Loving Lawless

I am in love. So deeply, I hurt when he hurts. When he smiles, I smile. When he is happy, I am happy. Will it always be this way? I am so afraid. Afraid something might change and I will lose him. Afraid something will come between us. Afraid one day we will wake up and resent each other. How do I make sure that doesn't happen? How do I know this is it? My heart hurts when I am not with him. My heart hurts thinking about losing him. But haven't all those other couples that came before, haven't they had these feelings too?? How do you know it is real? More importantly, how do you make sure it stays like this forever? I have yet to see one successful relationship. Do they all fall apart? At some point, do they have to resent each other? Do they all reach the point where they don't want to fight anymore? The minute you stop fighting, you stop fighting for your love. Right? If you don't even care enough to make your point, you certainly can't care enough for the other person. Am I wrong? So I guess my issue is this. How the hell do I make sure I never, ever get to that point? How do I make sure that my love for this amazing man never fades? How do I make sure that we are together forever? Not because we have to be. Not because we said we would. Because we want to. We can not imagine our lives without each other. Just being together makes us happy. Does that happen any more? Do people love like that any more? It seems like no one has it, so it must be fleeting. I am so, so, so afraid of this incredible feeling going away. I am so afraid that one day I am going to wake up and it will all be gone. I am so afraid of having to live one second of my life without him. I am not Living Lawless any more. I am Loving Lawless. Hoping and praying that this heart never breaks again, that it never wants for anything any more, that I am forever and always relentlessly, overwhelmingly, completely IN LOVE!!!

Drinking it away...

Has a portion of your life ever just came rushing back? Have the flood gates ever just opened up and brought you right back to a place and time in your life you thought you had forgot?
It just happened to me as I was, get this, watching the Real World. The drunken, overly emotional, screwed in the head antics of one of the "characters" reminded me, of me. I saw clearly the similarities between me and this girl, I understood why. I was reminded of a time in my life, a situation that I thought was gone and buried.
One night I ran into this guy that I went to college with. He was a couple years older than me, and I totally had a crush on him. We ended up hanging out and I got wasted. I left the bar with him, and I went to one of his friend's houses. I vaguely remember being there. And for some reason, I feel like I lost it and flipped out on him. Hours later two police officers woke me up. I had been sleeping on some one's patio, someone I did not know, and they did not know me. After getting the 3rd degree and being called everything from a delinquent to a slut by one of the cops, they called me a cab. The cab took me to my car which I had left near the club, and then I headed home, or so I thought. Hours later I remember finding myself on the other side of the city. I couldn't for the life of me remember how I got there, where I had been or why I was there. I finally made it home, with barely any memories of the night before. So what did I do? I buried it. I kept shoving it down and brushing it off until it was gone, or so I thought.
Watching the Real World tonight, it came back to me and I realized why I got so drunk that night.
I remembered I liked him the guy from college. What I didn't allow myself to think about was why I didn't like him.
When we were in college I got drunk and ended up hooking up with one of his friends. I buried that night, down deep, in a place I thought where I thought it would never resurface. Tonight, it came back. I remembered the guy I was hooking up with inviting his boys in. One of them was this guy I liked. The reason I buried that night... just came rushing back. It is so difficult for me to face, I cannot even say it out loud. I was violated, by several guys.
Fast forward to the night at the club, when for some reason I decided I wanted to hang out with him, even flirt with him. Maybe I thought it would be fun to shoot him down. Instead, I found myself drinking and drinking and drinking.
I left the club with this guy and went to his friends house, now really fucked up, and it all came spilling out. I got kicked out of the house for my drunken rant, accusing my crush of.. well you know. I was miles from my home, in the middle of the night. I just started walking, got lost in a neighborhood and finally needed to rest so I landed on a bench on a stranger's patio.
What I realized tonight was that I allowed myself to get that drunk, because I was trying to forget. I was hoping I could just pretend like it never happened, drink enough that I had a different life.
I was self-medicating, hoping when the buzz wore off, I would have a different life. Instead, the drinking just brought out the issues I had worked so hard to bury. I didn't want to think about what happened years ago, something I blamed myself for. The truth is, I drank way too much for several years. The truth is, I was only creating more issues when I was trying to drink them away. The truth is, there are a lot of things in my life I don't want to face, don't want to remember, don't want to deal with. The truth is, I just realized why I always got so fucked up. I got fucked up because I was fucked up...and I still am... fucked up.

I WILL DO ANYTHING!

BITCH... That's probably the only word to describe me right now. I am so sensitive... so angry... so fragile. I am so fed up with being in pain... so fed up with the fact that I can not get help... so fed up with doctors. Doctor... when you think of a doctor... you think of help... life-saving... relief... hero. I have yet to find my Superman (or woman). I know first hand that you need to be an advocate for yourself. I know that I need to push when it comes to my medical care to get what I need. But it doesn't seem to matter what I do... where I go... I can not seem to make anyone understand. I have seen some of the "supposed best" doctors in town. And yet here I am... still in excruciating pain... still self-medicating, self-loathing, self-destructing. For two years now, I have been dealing with this shit. And for two years now, it has been getting worse, not better. I don't know what is going on with me... but I know something must be really wrong. I know that at 29 years of age... I should not be in constant... debilitating pain. I know that I am not making it up. I know what I feel. But for some reason.. I can not get anyone else to listen, to believe me. Do you have any idea what it is like to be in constant pain? To spend your life faking it... pretending like you are okay, when inside you are really dying?? Do you know what it is like to not have the support and care that you need, that you deserve?? If I had just sat around for two years... hoping that it would get better, I would have no one to blame but myself. But that is not at all what I have been doing. I have seen more doctors in these past two years than most people see in a lifetime. And still I sit here... IN PAIN. I can't sleep... can't focus... can't function... can't accomplish... can't be nice. I spend all my energy just getting through the day... and then when I get home.. I take it out on the ONE person who really loves me. The one person who is always there for me. I don't know what is wrong with me. I really feel like I am going crazy. I honestly do not believe you can be in this much pain.. and still be sane. I just want to be normal... I want to be happy... I want to feel good... I want to feel in control of my health and my life. I want a doctor... one doctor... to understand... to believe me... to feel my pain.. to take action... to want to fix me as much as I want to fix myself. I can't do this much longer. It has been two years... TWO FUCKING YEARS... I am tired. Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of getting my hopes up, tired of faking it, tired of being a bitch, just plain TIRED! I honestly don't know what to do... but I do know, something has to give. I can't live like this anymore. It is ruining my self-esteem, my job, my friendships and most importantly... it is ruining my relationship- The one thing that means the very most to me in life. I can not live without my boyfriend. I literally would be lost without him. He is the only thing that has made me make it this far. And the one person who makes me believe there may be a light at the end of this fucked-up tunnel. I WANT HELP... I DESERVE HELP... I NEED HELP. Life is not supposed to be this painful... what the fuck do I have to do to get some relief??? I WILL DO ANYTHING!!!!!

Unraisable

Unraisable... This week I got some very disturbing news. After a 2 year salary freeze... everyone got a raise in their last paycheck... everyone but me that is. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. As we have discussed before, I know that I am disliked by people with power at work. But still, I come to work and I work hard. And I'm pretty sure I have handled the shit that was thrown my way pretty well. I don't complain... I just work. Still I feel like these people in power can't seem to look past whatever the fuck it is they hate about me, to see just how much I do. What makes me even more angry is that they haven't even been in power for the last 2 years... 2 years when I didn't get the opportunity to get a raise, but I'm sure other people would have agreed I definitely deserved one. Years when I was considered good at my job... and people respected me. It makes me feel like shit... once again. It makes me so angry. I don't know what more I can do. I feel like I have already swallowed my pride... sucked it up... done everything that is asked of me... with a good attitude... even when there was awful, unfair shit happening to me. I seriously have no idea how someone could look at me... my work... my work ethic.. and decide that I am unraisable. But that's excatly what they did. How do I work for people who can't see who I really am... and what I do? It's just so hard to face that fact that some people see you only as... unraisable.

Over Me

SELFISH... It's certainly not a word anybody wants used to describe them. But that's exactly what my MOM said I was... SELFISH. "Don't worry," she said. "You come by it naturally." What? I don't want to be selfish. I certainly don't want people to think of me like that. She said when I get stressed and have a lot going on, I just get wrapped up in myself. And she told me I've had my "turn in the spotlight a lot lately". Do I really make everything about me? I know I get stressed and bitchy. But I feel like when I do act like that, I apologize to those I have hurt. And I feel like I certainly appreciate the hand-full of people I can really count on. When I'm talking to someone, even when I need to vent, or I'm stressed... I think I always try to take time to ask about them, thank them for being there for me. Maybe I don't... maybe I would just like to think I do. Either way, this selfish conversation really hit home for me. And one thing I know for sure... I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE CALLED SELFISH AGAIN. My mom said it's just who I am... well guess what?? I don't have to be that way... I can change. I think that is quite possibly one of the ugliest character flaws ever. And if I had it (which apparently I did)... I know can ditch it. Because you see... there is another "S" word to describe me... STUBBORN. I know what it is like to have selfish people around you, people who only care about themselves. I have never thought of myself as being that kind of person. And just because my life has been really fucking difficult these last couple of years... doesn't mean it's all about me. It doesn't mean that everyone should always be focused on me. I'm over me... and I'm sure everyone else in my life is too.