Unloveable

Uncomfortabe in your own skin, angry with your emotions, mad at your thoughts, frustrated you have no control. It's a place, a feeling, a situation I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. There is nothing worse than knowing how truly irrational, unstable and emotional you are being and still not being able to fix it. There is nothing worse than knowing there is nothing anyone can say or do at that moment to make you feel better. There is nothing worse than making the people who love and care about you the most, the people who only want the best for you, feel awful and not stop yourself from doing it. There is nothing like listening to a laundry list of reasons you rock... but only HEARING the part where you are hurting someone else. There is nothing like having someone tell you they love you, know they would never lie to your or hurt you, but still not being able to believe it. When words of encouragement and love are somehow distorted in your brain to be painful lies. It is the darkest, lonliest, scariest place. A place where I don't even want to be with me, so why should anyone else? A place where I can't stand my actions, my words, my thoughts. A place where I know what I should be saying, feeling and thinking, but can't will it enough to happen. A place where I should just shut my self up and not talk to anyone, so that I can't hurt the people I love, but I can't even make that good decision. A place where I feel hopeless and helpless. A place where the only way to describe how I am feeling is unloveable. I hate the way I am acting, being, feeling... the decisions I am making. And so therefore, all I can believe is that, is how other people are seeing me as well. And if they aren't, that's how they should be. I am not worthy of the love, affection, caring and comfort that the people around me are trying to give. So their words can not... and should not be true. Then when the people that love me, who are trying to comfort me, can not... their feeling get hurt. Thus confirming for me what I already know... I am unloveable. And the vicious cycle continues.
It really is like Alice In Wonderland, falling down the black hole. I can feel myself falling but there is no way to stop it. And once I am down there, there is no turning back. It is the darkest and most alone I have ever felt and the worst part is... that is what I truly believe I deserve. And then... as quickly as the darkness comes... I see a light... a light at the end of my tunnel and I know I will make it through. But in the darkness and despair, it is hard to remember the light. And even scarier to worry that this time... it will not come.