Letting it go!

Is this how it's always going to be?? Bitter, angry, aggressive?? It's certainly not how I pictured my forever after. I just don't understand. He is so amazing most of the time... and then he can be so mean, so hurtful. But more disturbing is that I feel like he holds on to every thing he gets really mad at me for. Instad of talking to me about the situation, he buries it, until it boils over and then he explodes and really acts like an ass. But everything he has said... HE REALLY MEANT. AND HE REALLY BELIEVES IS THE TRUTH. It scares me to death. Is this how my life is going to be... forever and ever? He is the man I want to be with. But I don't want to feel like I am walking on egg shells. Like I have to be careful what I say, because it will haunt me for the rest of my life. Bottom line... we are both going to fuck up... say the wrong thing, hurt eachother's feelings. And we are allowed to be angry and hurt. But we need to be able to talk to each other and let it go... for real... forever... My concern... can we both do this??

Take That!

So as previously mentioned... I am reading this amazing book called The Survivors Club by Ben Sherwood, and when you get to the end, you have the opportunity to go online and take a survivors profile test, essentially a test to tell you what type of survivor you are, what your skills are, what you do well when tested. So tonight I did it. And these are my results....

Your Survivor Type: FIGHTER


Your Survivor IQ tells you precisely which kind you are. After analyzing your answers, it’s clear that you’re a Fighter. To deserve this description, you don’t have to punch like Muhammad Ali or refuse to surrender like John McCain. While fighters come in every size and shape, they share one critical trait: They attack adversity head on with purpose and determination. Against any odds, they’re driven to succeed and won’t stop till they achieve their goals. When you’re a Fighter, you never stop attacking. Even at your lowest, you still find a way to bounce back and counterpunch. You have a passion for life and seize every day with zest and zeal. You’ve got the willpower and determination to struggle, resist and overcome even in the face of formidable opposition. Maybe you’re courageous and brave. Maybe you’re aggressive and competitive. Maybe you’re stubborn and unyielding. No matter, you get pumped up by the heat of battle. You push yourself to be the best. You’re motivated by a sense of purpose or a calling greater than yourself. You’re here on earth for a reason that’s worth real sacrifice. You’re resilient, tenacious and often feel stronger because you’ve endured hardship in the past. When you get knocked down, you bounce back again. You’re indomitable, psychologically tough and you can endure more physical pain and suffering than most. You keep going when others have given up and you battle to the very end. Above all, you’re a Fighter.

I have to tell you, I'm pretty proud. I'm happy to be a fighter, happy to know I have what it takes to overcome life's obstacles. I think this was just what I needed. After all that I have been through, from the feeling crazy and unaccepted, to the physical pain, to the things you can't possibly try to explain... it's nice to know that, at least this IQ test thinks I'm tough. After all off that, I think I lost a lot of my confidence, in who I was as a person and what I had to offer. So it was really inspirational for me to read that I am a fighter. I may have been through a lot... but I have and will come out on top, because the bottom line is I will never give up. It's all things I could have told you about myself without blinking a year ago, but now I question everyday. It's just good to hear someone still believes I got a little fight left in me.