The brothel...

This story is old, but totally worth telling! It came up the other day, and I decided I must share.
My friend "J" used to live in Tucson and while she was there, she became totally obsessed with this band (and it's lead singer). So, every once in awile they come to the Valley to play a show and everytime they do, she drags me to them with her... promising this is the time she is actually going to talk to the singer!!! (In truth, she only drug me to the first show. I really like the band now and enjoy going to the shows) Anyway, so one day she told me they were playing a show in Tempe on Saturday night and asked me if I wanted to go. I of course said yes and asked where (I lived and drank in Tempe for 9 years, I figure there are not too many bars I haven't been too, although I may not remember them all!!!) She told me the name of the bar and surprisingly I had never heard of it. Then she told me where it was and I couldn't even picture where a bar would be there. But whatever, we were in. So we decide to meet at this bar. First of all, it's in the middle of a warehouse district. I mean, you drive down a road, lined with warehouse businesses... when all of a sudden this two story building with music blaring and white lights in the trees appears. We figured this must be it... and parked. As we walked up to the building, I got a very wierd feeling... (Note to all: listen to your gut... it is always right!) But we continued on, up the wooden stairs to the second story patio area where we entered another world. There was this large outdoor bar, made of concrete. On top of it were several scantily clad (think stripper-like) women, dancing, for money, which was being cleverly placed in their g-strings. J and I made our way through the patio, thinking that was obviously not where we belonged. We went through a heavy black door... into what looked kind of like a house.. only if your house was dark and creepy. There was a tiny bar with a couple of stools and a little area where some hard rock band was playing. I mean four feet away from me the lead singer was screaming his song... and thrashing his head around so his sweat was actually hitting me. I wanted to bail but instead we sat down at the small bar and ordered drinks. (Well, J ordered a drink, unfortunately at this point in my life I couldn't drink which just made this all the more painful) As we looked around at the eccletic group of people and wondered where the hell were we, we saw a spiral staircase. A staircase that apparently took us downstairs to the area where our band was going to play. Soon I realized that was the only way up and down. And I watched time and time again, as someone would have to back up to let someone up the one-person-at-a-time metal staircase. As J was yelling over the horrible rock band to have some sort of conversation, I realized where we were... The Hotel California... "You can check out, but you can't ever leave." That's when J told me we needed to go outside so she could smoke. We went out to the patio and took a spot in the corner. We were standing there talking, J with her back to the crowd. I felt like almost every guy out there was looking at us (did I mention 90% of the people out there were men... duh? That's where the nearly-naked chicks dancing on the bar were) I blew it off, believing they were looking beyond us, to the dancing ladies. After J's smoke, we went back inside and she asked if I was ready to go downstairs. At this point I freaked out. The Hotel California got the best of me. I actually started to have a panic attack and had to take a Xanax to get through it. After a couple minutes of coaxing, J convinced me it was time to tackle the stairs. So after careful timing... we went down. There we found yet another bar... a big room that apparently our band would play in.. a hall leading to a living room-like area that no one was in... another hall with a bathroom and several closed doors... but that wasn't the wierd part. First, there was this door with a keypad on it. People kept going in and out, first entering some code before the door would unlock and allow them in. Then there was an area with a velvet rope and a bodyguard in a suit. Young women and some guys were going in and out... only after first meeting the bouncer's approval. We fell into a conversation with a couple of people who happened to be waiting for the same band we were, which is how we learned what was behind the velvet rope. Apparently the guy had asked the bodyguard who told him there was a hot tub back there... and that "what happens back there, stays back there" WTF... where the hell were we? At this point, J tells me she needs another smoke, which requires another treck up the staircase from hell... and into stripper city. I'm ready to kill her, but I don't dare be left alone in this crazy place... so I go. As I'm up there this time, I see two of the "ladies" I had seen exit the velvet room, now "working the crowd" on the patio, going from group of guys, to group of guys. I start to wonder if they aren't prostitutes... or something like that. Then I realize guys really are staring at J and I, probably wondering if we are in the same "line of work". J finishes her smoke and we go back down into the depths of hell. Now, finally it is time for our band to play. We go into the room with about 10 other people. (Apparently our music choice isn't really popular with the hookers... good to know) The band starts to play, sounding as good as they always do. During their show, some people wander in. A way too young blonde, with an old guy. Another guy who wanders up to them, pulls the girl away for a minute or two... before sending her back to grandpa (can you say "pimp") The show is great, but short and as soon as it is over, we are ready to try to make our escape from the Hotel California. We leave in one piece, but I don't think we will ever be the same. J and I both agree that it is an experience that we could try to explain, but if you were not there, you will just never understand. (I hope my description has given you some mental picture) Later, my google-stalking friend finds several websites which say said bar is a cover for a brothel and that they film pornos there. And it all starts to make sense. Will I ever go back?? Hell no. But as they say, you never forget your first trip to a whore-house, right??

Can someone say "awkward"?????

So the other night, "J" and I are out to dinner for a friend's birthday. Along for the ride are three of her other friends, you know from a different circle. 2 of them girls, 1 boy. Both girls in serious relationships (1 married, 1 engaged). All of them considerably older than J and I (I would say at least 5 years). (P.S. This is all background information for you, which will become very important when I get to the punch line. When is that happening? Chill out.. I'm getting there)
So.. we're having this lovely dinner.. talking about all sorts of things: getting drunk, relationships, etc. At one point, J and I (who are on one end of the table) are having our own little discussion when suddenly a few words from the other conversation grab our attention. It went a little something like this.
Girl #1-"Abnormal paps... yea. That was how we could always tell which of our friends had been sleeping around."
Girl #2- "Yea, that was always a sure sign of the whores."
Boy- "You know, most of the time those are caused by HPV, the sexually transmitted disease."
At this point, I'm not even sure where the conversation went at that end of the table, but I know how it went on my end... chirp, chirp.
I refused to look up, instead solely focusing my attention on my wine, examining it as I swirled it in my glass, wishing I could take a big pull off the bottle.
All the while, I can feel the tension from J.
You see, both of us have had those "abnormal paps". And both of us of had that lovely conversation with our gynos where we learned we had HPV. So, basically both of us are "those whores". I couldn't look at J for fear of giving away our dirty little secret. (Pun totally intended)
I have several things to say about this...
First, since when has this become dinner conversation? I must admit, I was caught totally off guard. I never thought I would have to worry about such a thing coming up at a birthday dinner.
Second, how the hell does the boy at the table know such things about abnormal paps??
And lastly, there is nothing wrong with being a whore!!
I felt a little defensive and part of me wanted to shout out..."Like 90% of the sexually active population has HPV. One of you probably has it and doesn't even know it!!" But the more sane part of me just wanted to hide. Should we feel ashamed we have HPV? I've known I've had it for years now, and so I have come to terms with it, and the whore-ish-ness that gave it to me. I actually look at it like this, for all the guys I have slept with, and all the times I was a whore... I feel pretty damn lucky to just have HPV, an STD that increases your risk of cervical cancer but that's about it. I just have to be dilligent about my yearly check-ups, which I am.
I hope that HPV is not like the new "in" dinner party conversation, but if having it means I was a whore... the honest answer is "yes-sometimes I was". Should I feel bad, maybe. But instead I just kinda feel like I bet I have a lot better stories than you do.

Great Heart-break

Heart-break. I used to think it was the most horrible thing ever. Something no one should have to, or want to go through. I have a new outlook now. Because now, you see, I believe there are two kinds of heart-break. The kind you get when you just found out that your asshole husband has been cheating on you with women all over the country, even using the same line he used to make you fall in love with him, on another chick. And then, kind of heart-break I am experiencing. My bleeding heart is a self-imposed pain... and it is actually good. Stay with me. You see, I was lucky enough to find the love of my life. Not just someone I love, someone that gives me butterflies, makes me laugh when it doesn't seem possible, hugs me in just the right way, knows what I am thinking even before I do, is always looking out for me, makes me feel like I am THE most important and beautiful woman in the world. The kind of love I think just about everyone is looking for, but few find. I consider myself lucky, everyday I thank (insert your religious holy one) for giving him to me. But as we all know, nothing is perfect. Our obstacle happens to be an ocean... a big fucking shark infested ocean. Two seperate lives, two sets of friends, two sets of responsibilities, two different careers we have both worked extremely hard for. After 4 months and 1 week (but who's counting) we were reunited... and damn did it feel so good. He spent the past three weeks here with me. I was a little worried about how it was all going to work out, would our perfect relationship over the phone, be perfect in person? ((See my previous blog: Minutes)) But it was, he fit perfectly into my world, my arms, my heart. And all it did was to make me fall more in love with him. Something I actually thought was not possible. We had three weeks of bliss... a trip to Sedona, a pu-pu party, a Suns game, a Halloween party, numerous days spent snuggling in bed, walks with the dogs, dinners with friends and my mom. It was perfect... I have no other word than perfect. And then... then the dreaded day came when he had to leave. It was like D-day. And 24 hours before, my heart started breaking. In that final day I think I slept for 2 hours and cried for 8. Even now I am crying. Being away from him just breaks my heart... in a way I could never explain to you. I feel silly actually. For my entire life, I have prided myself on being someone who could do anything, be anything, handle whatever was thrown my way... and I never needed help. I still don't need help... but after these three weeks, I realize I want it. I don't want to go to the grocery store alone, because doing it with him was so much more fun. I don't want to go to bed with no one to hold me. I don't want to walk the dogs alone, with no one to laugh with at their silly moves to get ahead of each other. I don't want to shower alone, and have to get my own towel off the rack. And right now, I don't want to have to be wiping my own tears. I can do it... but I don't want to. And hence... the heart-break.. all associated with my long distance love. This is what I have to deal with for the love of my life. And in my opinion, our relationship is way deeper than just being "in love". That is why I have to make it through the pain. So, I am heart-broken... heart-broken because I am facing yet another countdown (8 weeks and 4 days) until I can feel the love of my life again. But this is a heart-break I would never give up. I could never wish this heart-break away. This pain, pain so bad it makes me physically keel over, feel like I have to throw up and makes me want to rip my heart out. This pain is all part of a great heart-break. A heart-break I can only hope will end with me and my love... together forever.

Too Available

Dating downfalls... I just read this great blog by my good friend "J" all about her problem when it comes to dating... her attraction to unavailable men. She's totally right on about everything she said... and don't worry, I will get back to her. But first, it got me thinking about me. And I think that I have always been too available. I always totally put myself out there, holding nothing back, expecting the best. I am the stereotypical dating optimist. But I hide it pretty well. For the majority of my dating career (Yes, it is a career. It is hard work... and dammit we should get paid for what we put up with on some dates!) I pretended that it didn't really matter... if he called, if we went out again, if it was yet another one-night stand. I pretended like I was in control, when in reality, I was always hoping that this guy would be different, this guy would turn into the one. This would be that one story... you know that one that every girl tells about her friend who met her husband in a bar, on a one-night stand and now they are happily married. My mind calls bullshit, but my heart was always secretly hoping it could be true. I think that's why I never held back. I never wanted to miss the one, I was always afraid if I didn't take this opportunity... that I may never find my true love. It's a theory that may make you vomit, in fact I'm a little disgusted at myself... but it has just always been the way I have worked. So consequently, there were quite a few... more times than I can count... that I got hurt, hoping this guy was different, this guy would call, this guy would stick around, this guy would be the one. Actually, that's why I think I don't really know exactly how many guys I have slept with. After they burned me, I burned them out of my brain. It was easier that way. Especially when your game is to pretend like you don't care. You can't let anyone see that along the way, you may be hurting. So, yes. I think "J" is totally right. We do all have our emotional, dating drawbacks. The things that sometimes hold us back. Do I think they will prevent us from finding our "true loves"? Hell fucking no. But I do think, that as friends, it is our job to call our friends out... I am always pushing "J" to just give it a chance. And I have had many friends along the line that have had to tell me to "give it up" or realize that he was "just not ever going to be worth it". Bottom line, we all have obstacles to overcome and as we all know... every date is an experience. Hell, the worst thing that could happen is they end up here... right???

What? You missed me??

No one panic!! Nothing horrible has happened, at least nothing out of the ordinary for my drama-filled world (Yes! I got to use a hyphen. Incorrectly? Perhaps, but you should know right now... I-have-a-hyphen-obsession. Get on board. It's super fun!!) Back to the point... for the past 3 weeks, I have been spending every moment I could tear myself away from work with the love of my life, the long distance love of my life. Don't worry... there are pleanty of blogs to come about where we go from here... just wanted you to know... I had not forgot about you... my loyal 2 readers. (That might be a stretch, my I'm kinda heart-broken right now... just give it to me... yes!! Another hyphen!)
Bottom line--stay tuned!