Goodbye "Perfect Friend"

It's time to say goodbye, adios, aloha... to one of my best friends. It is with mixed emotions that I give a final farewell to a constant companion... someone who was always there for me... always made me feel better... made my problems seem to melt away. Someone who was never selfish... never required anything from me... who always put me first.
Sounds like the perfect friend huh??
So why the hell would I be shutting this out of my life??
Well, it's like they say, things are not always as they seem.
See my "perfect friend" was also ruining my body and my self-esteem. I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror right now. My jeans don't fit right. I have about 25 pounds to lose. And as much as I have tried all other things... It comes down to this my "perfect friend" is the only thing holding me back.
I have become dependent on my friend to get through things... good and bad. It has been the one thing I turn to when I am depressed, but then it just makes me fat... and more depressed.
So I am stopping the viscious cycle.
Goodbye my friend...
At least for now I'm taking my last drink.
Peace out alcohol.
This last sip is for you....

Doctors & Mechanics- More Alike Than You Think

Those of you who have kept up on my blog at all know that doctors have become my lives... my saviors... and I certainly have been through enough of them to know when I have found a good one. It took me over a year... but I finally found good ones... really good ones... who cares about me... and about what's going on with me and what I need to deal with my life and the bullshit that goes along with it.
It made me think about a time less than a week ago when I was looking for a good mechanic because my car woudln't start.
They are basically the same things... doctors and mechanics... one takes car of our body...the other our bodywork... but both can fuck us over. One can lead to a big bill... the other a big hospital bill... I myself have had both!!!
I guess I just wish it weren't so difficult to find good doctors and mechanics... people you can trust, believe in. You know what... It's kind of like life. Unfortunatly, there are a lot more people out there that we can't trust, can't believe in, then there are people we can.
Back to my doctor... I am just freaking out, because he took care of my migraines. And I went through like 10 migraine medicines alredy... now I'm afraid, I'll have to do the same thing with yet another doctor. I just don't know if I can handle it!!!
AHHHH!!

Sometimes bad days just don't end...

So my bad day continued today... Our highest hopes that we would wake up... put a little more gas in the car... and get it to start... were quickly squashed!!! So my boyfriend had to drive me to work, before he went to his job. Needless to say, I arrived about an hour and a half early. So, I decided to make some phone calls about where to take my car and how the hell I was going to get my car there. After more than an hour... I had arranged to get my car to the shop that I really wanted it to be at, the one where I trusted most that they would rip me off. So my car gets there... and several hours later... I get a phone call, the dreaded phone call. My car is running now... and I can take it now, but I really need a new fuel pump. Guess how much that costs?? Oh... about $900. I also need two new tires and an oil change. I'm going to get the oil change. But they said they could rotate the tires for me, so that I could hold off on getting the new ones. Anyway... bottom line... I will end up spending about a grand on this lovely "tune up". Money, I P.S., DO NOT have. I am struggling to stay afloat right now, before this. So I had resorted to something I HATE. I am taking money from my parents. I am 28-years-old... and apparantely I still can't make it on my own. It just makes me feel like shit, like a failure. I love my parents for doing what they are doing... I just wish I didn't NEED their help. So that's two in a row... The question now... Will it ever end??

You think you had a bad day?????

So you think you had a bad day?? Let me tell you about mine. Work was fine... the usual... so we will move past that to the crash and burn part of my day. Let me start at the beginning. I had a doctor's appointment this morning, and not 5 minutes after I got into the car, my "E" light went off. That's right... no more gas. So, of course, I have no time to stop, so I continue on to my appointment. And then after that, I was late for work, so I just cruzed to work. All along, my plan was to get gas as soon as I got out of work. Well, that all got derailed when I got to work and got a couple of emails from my bank.... You can guess they weren't delivering good news. That's right... somehow I overdrew my account. In fact, one charge, they weren't going to cover. So basically now I am stuck. I have no money to buy gas. Let me say that sentence again... because even I have a hard time believing it... I HAVE NO MONEY TO BUY GAS. I called my boyfriend as I left work and told him what was going on. Of course, he came to my rescue, saying he would buy me some gas and everything would be okay. I told him he may have to come meet me, but he asked if I could make it home and then he would take my car to the gas station (so he wouldn't lose his parking spot!). I said I thought I could make it... and along I went. But something just didn't feel right. I drove the entire way home without air conditioning. Then when I got just three exits from home I called my boyfriend to ask him if he was going to come out and meet me... and disaster happened... the RPM's dropped... my car was officially out of gas. I was in the far left lane, right next to the HOV... and I had to act quickly. So I looked to my left... HOV lane clear... and I moved over to the far left median... against the center median.. which P.S. is NOT where you are supposed to park a car. I'm now on the phone with my boyfriend, all upset... I need gas... I'm stuck on the side of the road. And to make matters worse, I have no flashers. I rolled as far as I could... and then I just had to sit... I felt like a sitting duck. I cried the entire time... worried someone would plow into me... hello anxiety... I'm back!!! Finally, after 3 freaking out/ crying phone calls, my boyfriend shows up with gas. He puts 2 gallons in and we go to start my car... NOTHING. That's right... THE FUCKING CAR WON'T START. So after much cursing... switching drivers trying to turn the key.. we decide to go get 2 more gallons of gas. My boyfriend takes off... once again leaving me in this precarious position. P.S. Cars are wizzing past me so fast that my car is shaking... literally shaking. So, my boyfriend gets back with our magic gas... and then we go to start the car... AND... NOTHING!!!
By now... we have finally attracted the attention of a DPS officer... who had decided to park behind us and poke around. I am in no mood... being that I have cried at least 45 times by now and all I can hear is "my girlfriend ran out of gas"... "we can't seem to get the car started". It's then that I realize we must resort to the last resort... road side service from my insurance. I call... answer a bizillion stupid questions... and finally they decide they will send somebody out. (Oh, did I mention by now 2 DPS vehicles have arrived and now it seems to be social hour??) And it gets better... by now... I have killed my battery. That's right... my battery.. is DEAD! So about 30 minutes later my "savior"... i.e.my tow truck driver arrives. He quickly loads up my car... and tows it back to my complex. There we try to jump start it for at least 20 minutes... and you can tell it wants to start... so badly... but despite the dirty tow truck driver and my boyfriend's best efforts... we come up short. So right now.. I am car-less... frusterated... and more than over my bad day.
Think yours is better??? Prove it!!!

Aloha!

Not as in hello... but as in goodbye. I have the next week off of work... supposedly to go to Hawaii with my boyfriend, except there's a hitch. WE HAVE NO MONEY. I don't even know how I'm going to pay my bills this month. So I had to make a decision. Leaving town isn't just finding money for a plane ticket, my dogs have to be kenneled... and that practically doubles the cost of your trip. So now, I am staying and saying aloha to my boyfriend, who will be going back to help with a catering (and make money) and see his brother and twin nephews and all his friends. And I will be left here for four days... all by myself.. here's the kicker.. with no boyfriend... no work.. nothing to do.. and no money to make something happen. I am devastated. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad my boyfriend gets to go home, see his family and friends, have some good down time, AND MAKE MONEY!!! But what is my already depressed, fat ass going to do without him?? I'm just really sad... I'm sad that my boyfriend is going to be gone for 4 days (I don't think I realized until now how attached I have become to him) and I'm sad because he is going to get to do all the fun vacation things without me... and I will be here... alone... with my boys... whom I love don't get me wrong. I am just so sad at the prospect of being alone... Aloha!!