Thursday, April 9, 2009
To Medicate or Not Medicate...
...that is the question??? So the other day I went to see my therapist, originally with the plan to try to convince him that I should try to ween off my medications. But that plan was blow to bits the minute they decided to do layoffs at my work and for a week straight I was a crazy mess again... insomnia, migranes and anxiety attacks galore. So, I had to re-think my plan. Perhaps now is not the best time for me to be cutting back on the meds. But I did ask if this was how my life was always going to be, anytime I got super stressed my "craziness" was going to take over. Basically, my therapist said he couldn't really answer that. But that he has absolutely no problem with the amount of medications that I am on and doesn't think I should worry about that. Instead, I should be focused on just feeling good today... tomorrow and the day after. That got me thinking. Why was I so anxious to get off my medications? It's obvious I need them. And then it hit me. I have heard from numerous people that believe that since I started taking medication, I have become a different person. That's what was driving me... but I need to do what is best for me. My therapist told me medicating is like religion and politics, people have very strong views about whether it is right or wrong. I was talking to my mom about it all later, one of the people who had said she noticed a change in me, and she said she didn't mean that it was neccessarily the medication. She felt like I had changed, but she totally understood why. I had been through a lot, a near-death experience, a life-changing disorder, mental problems that went untreated for months. The truth is, I am a different person. Whether you blame the medication, or the life experiences, it doesn't change the fact that this past year has forever changed me. I'm pretty sure I can't ever go back to the person I was before. I just have to learn how to be the best person I can be now. And for me... at least for now... that includes medications... like it or not.
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Now, you know that I am going to be very honest with you, even if that means brutal honesty and I hope you would be the same way with me. You have changed. Not for the bad though. You have become a person who is more mature and thinks a little more due to the fact that you have more responsibilities and are a grown up now. I have changed too and I'm not on any meds, so remind those peeps that unless you are addicted to the meds, they are not the cause of the change. Just remember that I am going to support you no matter what and if you ever need to become relaxed or just need someone to sit on the phone and breathe with you, I'm here and will do that with you. I love you so much and am one of the luckiest people in the world to have a friend like you.
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