To Medicate or Not Medicate...

...that is the question??? So the other day I went to see my therapist, originally with the plan to try to convince him that I should try to ween off my medications. But that plan was blow to bits the minute they decided to do layoffs at my work and for a week straight I was a crazy mess again... insomnia, migranes and anxiety attacks galore. So, I had to re-think my plan. Perhaps now is not the best time for me to be cutting back on the meds. But I did ask if this was how my life was always going to be, anytime I got super stressed my "craziness" was going to take over. Basically, my therapist said he couldn't really answer that. But that he has absolutely no problem with the amount of medications that I am on and doesn't think I should worry about that. Instead, I should be focused on just feeling good today... tomorrow and the day after. That got me thinking. Why was I so anxious to get off my medications? It's obvious I need them. And then it hit me. I have heard from numerous people that believe that since I started taking medication, I have become a different person. That's what was driving me... but I need to do what is best for me. My therapist told me medicating is like religion and politics, people have very strong views about whether it is right or wrong. I was talking to my mom about it all later, one of the people who had said she noticed a change in me, and she said she didn't mean that it was neccessarily the medication. She felt like I had changed, but she totally understood why. I had been through a lot, a near-death experience, a life-changing disorder, mental problems that went untreated for months. The truth is, I am a different person. Whether you blame the medication, or the life experiences, it doesn't change the fact that this past year has forever changed me. I'm pretty sure I can't ever go back to the person I was before. I just have to learn how to be the best person I can be now. And for me... at least for now... that includes medications... like it or not.

2008- A Look Back

So I was sitting here thinking back on 2008 when I realized what a life-changing year this had been for me...
I nearly died
I had to quit drinking, smoking & birth control, all on the same day
I started having anxiety attacks-daily
I began having the worst PMS ever
Then I got horrible, horrible cramps
Along came the migranes
And the slew of ever-changing medications to try to cure my craziness.
Of course all of this came at a price- a very steep price- so for the first time ever, I went into debt (a place I am very uncomfortable being)
Then in this failing economy we were told no raises, no bonuses, just be lucky we have jobs!
And of course, I can't forget somewhere in the middle of all of that, I met the love of my life- the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. What a year!!!
I just wanted to take a minute to thank the people who have been there through it all... my friends and family, who were there when I was in pain and listened to me bitch, rushed to and never left my hospital bedside, filled the room with flowers, but more importantly gave me the support and love that I so needed at that time. And then in the weeks and months after, when it was like one blow after another, when it seemed like I should be getting better but instead always had a new problem, they were always there to listen to me. And I know so many times I was such a bitch to be around and they never compained (at least not to my face ;-)
Thank you all for being there for me... you know I have such high expectations for all of my friends, you have surpassed them and it will NEVER be forgotten.
To my boyfriend, the love of my life, my rock. The man who the first night I hung out with him, I had a massive anxiety attack and spilled it all... all about how crazy I was. Instead of running (probably like he should have) he rubbed my back and told me it was going to be okay. He still does that to this day. Before we even met, when we were just talking on the phone, that's when I was hospitalized, he sent a real fresh freezer-packed lei to the hospital for me. I couldn't even describe to you how supportive he has been of me and all my pu-pule pills (pu-pule is crazy in Hawaiian!!) And no one has gotten the wrath of my PMS worse than him. I don't know how I would have made it through this year without him. I can't think about trying to make it through this year without him.
I know I am not perfect- I mean I am perfect (insert your laughter) but we are still working on fixing my craziness. I feel like we are finally on the right path, and I just hope you all know that I could NOT have gotten here without you, your love and your support. Whether you knew it your not, there were days I wanted to quit, days I was so frustrated, days I was so over feeling crazy, or being in pain and then one of you, without even knowing, would do something nice and remind me what I was fighting for. I LOVE YOU ALL MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW. I don't have family here... you all are my family... Thank from the bottom of my heart for making what could have been a devestating year.. bearable!