Check ya later 2009

Buh-bye 2009... I am so not sorry to see you go. You were horrible and rotten and nothing but awful to me. I had nothing but great hopes for you... and then... not 20 days into the year, I was in the hospital, yet again. This time with a broken ankle. But not just any broken ankle. Because I can't do anything half-ass... I broke it in a spiral fracture, in 3 places, requiring surgery, a plate, 6 screws and two pins to piece it all back together. The pain was a kind I can not even describe, but that was just the beginning. I could not walk on it... AT ALL for the next 6 weeks. I got myself a nice little scooter instead of using those stupid crutches. But at home... I was sitting on my butt, scooting up and down my stairs. It was seriously one of the most trying times in my life. Somehow I made it through. But that was not nearly the end. As soon as my physical injury started to heal, I had to deal with my mental issues. I tried to do it on my own, but it was obvious that I needed more help. I went to a psychiatrist who did this whole big questionaire on me and then diagnosed me with mild depression, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and PMDD (which is basically just really bad PMS). So I'm slightly crazy. I started a new medication, one which, believe it or not, actually is used to treat all of those conditons (now keep in mind most people don't have all of them, but then again, I am not most people!!!). I also got on a stronger anxiety medication. I began seeing a therapist to work through the issues I am having, my stress.. etc. Just as I began to get that aspect of my life under control... my migraines spiraled out of control. I have had migraines for about a year, but now my doctor had retired... and I was going to a new doctor who wouldn't give me the medicine that I had been taking, instead insisted on giving me one migraine medication to try after another, none of them being successful. I ended up having migraines everyday... I woke up in the morning with one.. and went to bed with it at night. Finally they sent me to get a CAT scan, just to make sure everything was okay. The CAT scan showed nothing... and the neurologist wanted to do the same thing as the other doctor... just shove more migraine medication (which have I mentioned DO NOT WORK!!!) at me. You can only be in pain for so long before you literally feel like you are going crazy. When I reached a month and a half... I didn't know if I was going to make it any longer. I was desperate for relief. Enter December...when I turned to some alternative treatments. It started with a chiropractor... since my back and neck had become a huge problem. A side effect of the constant headaches or a cause of the headaches?? Maybe a little bit of both. Then, I turned to the Pain Center. A place where they put injections into all areas, pressure points, to ease the inflamation that causes pain. I have just really started but already I am seeing results. And I am feeling good heading into 2010.
But all of this getting better is quite pricey... I have doctor bills on top of doctor bills. While feeling "normal" again is my number one goal, it comes at a price.... one that has nearly bankrupt me, stresses me out, has forced me to give up all luxeries like getting my haircut, pedicures, going out to dinner. But it is the number one priority in my life right now.
If only it was just my health... There also was my photo radar tickets... I got my fair share... I managed to avoid most of them... but I got popped right at the end for two... at the lovely price of $440.
There was that time I ran out of gas on the freeway, and then when we filled my car up with gas.. it wouldn't start. That was a nice $1000 mechanic bill.
Oh.. and then there was that lovely little accident I had on Thanksgiving night. I must say, I wasn't too thankful for that. Not only did it freak me out, probably screw my back and neck up even more and dent my little Mildred May, but it also landed me a $155 ticket for "failure to control my vehicle".
So as I said... 2009... with your medical nightmares... your endless doctors bills... your car trouble... photo radar tickets... and accidents... FUCK OFF!!

Are you feeling lucky???

So I'm reading this book called "The Survivors Club" by Ben Sherwood (I highly recommend it!). It's all about facing a crisis whether it be car accident, serious illness, injury, violent crime, financial trouble, etc and coming out on top. Not only surviving, but thriving. I'm in the chapter entitled The Science of Luck. Basically, it's all about how much luck plays into surviving any of lives difficult situations. The book is based on interviews with survivors and studies done by more psycho-somethings than I can count. Anyway, part of this chapter talks about the differences between lucky and unlucky people, claiming that there is such a thing, but that we create our own luck. Lucky people expect good things to happen to them, they don't miss any of life's opportunities and they listen to their hunches. But it also says that lucky people see that even the bad things in their life could have been worse and are always looking at the postive side. It totally reminded me of my friend K who just got laid off of work and still has the most fantastic attitude. When I talk to her, she says she really believes she is going to better because of this. And a year from now, she will be thankful it happened. The most amazing responses. That is what I am totally missing. I think I am totally one of those "woe is me" type of people. Like with my broken ankle (P.S. Still broken, still have walking cast), I totally have the "why the f did this happen to me?" thing going. I don't see a light or a positive side. I feel like I already did my time in the hospital with the blood clot and spent months trying to get my life back on track and then this?? That's just not fair!!! See... nothing positive.
And then I read a part of the book that really got me thinking. It was all about this woman who was allegedly the "injury queen". She had more broken bones and near death experiences than you would think anyone could take. She was like a cat with 9 lives! So she decided to look into her accident prone-ness and along the way discovered several studies which suggest that people "who experience repeated accidents often suffer from psychological disorders like depression and anxiety." Sound familiar?? Both problems I am being treated for right now, problems I didn't have before the first hospitalization. She realized that somewhere along the line she figured out that getting hurt provided her with a kind of nurturing, that she didn't have to be totally responsible, and that the physical pain allowed her a reason to cry that other people would understand. I don't know that I believe I totally fit into all of that, but it is interesting... and kind of scary to think about. Could I have let myself get hurt???
I'll leave you with one last thought about being lucky. Studies show that accident prone-ness does exist... and the people most at risk tend to be more hyperactive, impulsive, neurotic, extroverted and inclined to use alcohol or drugs.
So now... are you feeling lucky???