Survivor

One year ago today... my life flashed before my eyes. In the blink of an eye, I ended up in the hospital with an Emergency Room doctor telling me I had a blood clot in my leg the size of Texas... and two clots that had broken off and traveled to my right lung. I spent the next 6 days in the hospital.. learning all about how lucky I was that I didn't die. I had probably been walking around with that ticking time bomb for at least three weeks... and if one of those chunks of clot that traveled through my heart had been just a little bit bigger... that would have been it.
May 9th, 2008 my world forever changed, I forever changed.
In the aftermath, I learned I had a clotting disorder which would make me susceptible to blood clots like this for the rest of my life. It also came with a laundry list of other side effects, like it can make it difficult to get pregnant, and if you do get pregnant, it will be a high risk pregnancy.
I was also immediately taken off birth control and told never to go back on it again. As a result my hormones went wacko, literally. I began having migraines, severe cramps and crazy PMS.
And then there was the worst part... the anxiety. I started having anxiety attacks... sometimes up to five times a day. They are undescribable, except to say that I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.
As a result, I am on medications to control my world and blood thinners.
There were some very dark times, and some times where I didn't feel like myself. I feel much better now, but I have forever been changed. I have always been a control freak, but I think now it is even worse. I want to control everything I possibly can in my life, because I know what it is like to lose control. I lost control of my health and that is a feeling I don't ever want to have again. One year later I am no where near recovered... or past this... but I am coping and learning and trying to be the best person I can be.
There have been some positives in all of this, I learned that I have a very rare clotting disorder that could have presented itself later, and the older you get the more likely you are to die from a blood clot.
I quit smoking... and so today also marks the one year anniversary of my last cigarette.
And I realized how strong a person I really am. No matter what anyone says to me, or thinks about where I am or where I should be, I know what I have been through. And I dare anyone to go through all that I have, and not come out a little bit scarred. If you went through this I guarentee you would understand what it is like to really be a fighter.
I'm not trying to pretend like I'm the only one who has faced tough times... I know they are all around us. I'm just saying I'm proud to say on my one year anniversary... I KNOW that I truly am a survivor.

The Pursuit of drunkiness...

Before you just decide that I must be some alcoholic... I must have some problem, let me explain. You see, I have not had a sip of alcohol in 3 months, 3 weeks and 1 day (but who's counting, right??) My new sober lifestyle is certainly not by choice... hence my current state... the pursuit of drunkiness. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. It was 3 months, 3 weeks and 1 day ago that I learned I had a blood clot the size of Texas growing in my left leg (nicknamed by my friend "R" Big Daddy). But Big Daddy wasn't alone... two of his little friends had broken off and traveled to my right lung (dubbed Bert & Ernie). Consequently, I ended up in the hospital for 6 days and things in my life changed drastically! Immediately I had to quit smoking, stop taking birth control pills and start blood thinners (by IV while I was in the hospital, pills now that I'm out). And those blood thinners mean no drinking!! It's a situation that has definitely changed my life... and made me crazy. Sometimes I wonder if I really do have a problem. Because otherwise, why is this not drinking thing so difficult. But then I think it's really more than that. It's that so many things I was dependent on in one way or another, were taken away from me... all at the same time. It's enough to drive anyone crazy. So back to my pursuit of drunkiness... I feel like my goal these days... is to just make it through, get healthy and hurry up and make it to the point in my life where I can start drinking again. The point where I no longer have to be on these blood thinners. I look at that day as the day that I'll be able to go back to that comfortable life I had before I almost died. I truly believe on that day I will no longer be crazy. Is that really going to happen?? I don't know... maybe it's wishful thinking. But it's all I have right now. It's the day I dream about... the day I can't wait for... the day I will be re-born and my pursuit of drunkiness... will end!