JUST STOP

STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.
STOP TELLING ME THAT WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER OPENS.
STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.
STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.
STOP TELLING ME THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.
STOP TELLING ME THAT SOMEDAY I AM GOING TO LOOK BACK ON THIS AND REALIZE IT IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME.
JUST STOP...
I know you all are just trying to help... but it is not working. I am mad... sad... hurt. I feel disrespected, unappreciated, misunderstood. I am angry... ashamed... depressed. I can't eat... can't sleep... can't stop thinking about it. A huge part of my world... a part that I worked so hard for, that I was so committed to, that I was so proud of, that I was passionate about, that I loved... has been crushed... and a part of my heart has been crushed with it. Maybe someday I will be able to feel like you all want me to feel now, maybe someday I will be able to look back on this and see the good.. but for now... all I see and feel is pain. For now, I know that someday is nowhere near. Most days, I have to drag myself out of bed and plaster on a plastic smile just to make it through. Most days I have to give myself a pep talk every hour just so I won't cry. Most days I have to remind myself that I am a good person and that I am good at what I do. And maybe someday, I will once again be surrounded by people who feel the same.

Check ya later 2009

Buh-bye 2009... I am so not sorry to see you go. You were horrible and rotten and nothing but awful to me. I had nothing but great hopes for you... and then... not 20 days into the year, I was in the hospital, yet again. This time with a broken ankle. But not just any broken ankle. Because I can't do anything half-ass... I broke it in a spiral fracture, in 3 places, requiring surgery, a plate, 6 screws and two pins to piece it all back together. The pain was a kind I can not even describe, but that was just the beginning. I could not walk on it... AT ALL for the next 6 weeks. I got myself a nice little scooter instead of using those stupid crutches. But at home... I was sitting on my butt, scooting up and down my stairs. It was seriously one of the most trying times in my life. Somehow I made it through. But that was not nearly the end. As soon as my physical injury started to heal, I had to deal with my mental issues. I tried to do it on my own, but it was obvious that I needed more help. I went to a psychiatrist who did this whole big questionaire on me and then diagnosed me with mild depression, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and PMDD (which is basically just really bad PMS). So I'm slightly crazy. I started a new medication, one which, believe it or not, actually is used to treat all of those conditons (now keep in mind most people don't have all of them, but then again, I am not most people!!!). I also got on a stronger anxiety medication. I began seeing a therapist to work through the issues I am having, my stress.. etc. Just as I began to get that aspect of my life under control... my migraines spiraled out of control. I have had migraines for about a year, but now my doctor had retired... and I was going to a new doctor who wouldn't give me the medicine that I had been taking, instead insisted on giving me one migraine medication to try after another, none of them being successful. I ended up having migraines everyday... I woke up in the morning with one.. and went to bed with it at night. Finally they sent me to get a CAT scan, just to make sure everything was okay. The CAT scan showed nothing... and the neurologist wanted to do the same thing as the other doctor... just shove more migraine medication (which have I mentioned DO NOT WORK!!!) at me. You can only be in pain for so long before you literally feel like you are going crazy. When I reached a month and a half... I didn't know if I was going to make it any longer. I was desperate for relief. Enter December...when I turned to some alternative treatments. It started with a chiropractor... since my back and neck had become a huge problem. A side effect of the constant headaches or a cause of the headaches?? Maybe a little bit of both. Then, I turned to the Pain Center. A place where they put injections into all areas, pressure points, to ease the inflamation that causes pain. I have just really started but already I am seeing results. And I am feeling good heading into 2010.
But all of this getting better is quite pricey... I have doctor bills on top of doctor bills. While feeling "normal" again is my number one goal, it comes at a price.... one that has nearly bankrupt me, stresses me out, has forced me to give up all luxeries like getting my haircut, pedicures, going out to dinner. But it is the number one priority in my life right now.
If only it was just my health... There also was my photo radar tickets... I got my fair share... I managed to avoid most of them... but I got popped right at the end for two... at the lovely price of $440.
There was that time I ran out of gas on the freeway, and then when we filled my car up with gas.. it wouldn't start. That was a nice $1000 mechanic bill.
Oh.. and then there was that lovely little accident I had on Thanksgiving night. I must say, I wasn't too thankful for that. Not only did it freak me out, probably screw my back and neck up even more and dent my little Mildred May, but it also landed me a $155 ticket for "failure to control my vehicle".
So as I said... 2009... with your medical nightmares... your endless doctors bills... your car trouble... photo radar tickets... and accidents... FUCK OFF!!

Are We Falling Apart??

Are we falling apart? My perfect man, my perfect love story, my forever... I have no idea what is happening to us right now and I have no idea how to fix it. But I feel like you are so unhappy, so unhappy with me, like I am making you miserable, this move has made you miserable. And the bottom line is, I have no idea how to make it better. I love you. I really do. My heart aches at the thought of losing you. But I don't know what to do to make you happy. And if you aren't happy with me now, I don't want you to stay with me just because you feel like you should. We aren't married, we don't have kids. There is no reason for us to get locked into a relationship if we both aren't happy. And if we aren't happy now, lord knows we aren't going to be happy 10 years from now. I have no idea how this happened. I thought for sure we would be able to survive anything. But here's the thing. I am doing my best right now. And it just doesn't seem to be enough for you. And if it's not enough, than I am just not enough. I don't know how many more times we can have this same fight. And the bottom line is, more than anything, all I want for you is to be happy. And if I can't make you happy, if you aren't happy here, you should go somewhere you will be. I say that through sobs and huge tears running down my face. It is not something I want to be saying. But I love you. And I want what is best for you. Maybe I'm too screwed up to be the "best".

Give Me Pain

Words so painful, each felt like a kick to the kidney.
A disappointment so strong I felt like I was getting my insides ripped out, slowly... working up to my already broken heart.
Feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin, I was literally trying to kick my way out.
Hurting so badly, yet having an overwhelming desire to feel physical pain... a feeling so strong I was scratching at my wrists... hoping for the sight of blood.
You are the one person in this world I love more than anyone else. And yet you, knowing exactly where I was and how I felt, decided to rip me to pieces.
"You are such a child"
"It is never your fault"
"It is always about you"
"I can never do anything to comfort you"
"Your problems are always more important"
"You are never happy"
"You are never there for me"
"You never ask about what's going on with me"

Kay, I get it. I suck. It feels awful to feel like a failure. But if feels even worse when the person you love most in this world is the one reinforcing that feeling.

The Other Woman

Tonight I found out about the other woman, the one my boyfriend turns to to give him everything I can not, or do not. She is apparently self-less and all-too understanding. Her world revolves around him. She is always there to listen, to comfort, to care, to be whatever he needs her to be. She never has any of her own problems that "get in the way". She never asks for anything in return. She never expects the same care and compassion from him. For her, he is everything. and that is what he needs. I, on the other hand, have way too many problems of my own. I am always trying to deal with my own issues and therefore am much too busy too pay proper attention to my boyfriend's needs. I am selfish and spoiled and "IT IS NEVER MY FAULT". I am nothing like her.
So who is this mystery woman... alcohol.