Over Me

SELFISH... It's certainly not a word anybody wants used to describe them. But that's exactly what my MOM said I was... SELFISH. "Don't worry," she said. "You come by it naturally." What? I don't want to be selfish. I certainly don't want people to think of me like that. She said when I get stressed and have a lot going on, I just get wrapped up in myself. And she told me I've had my "turn in the spotlight a lot lately". Do I really make everything about me? I know I get stressed and bitchy. But I feel like when I do act like that, I apologize to those I have hurt. And I feel like I certainly appreciate the hand-full of people I can really count on. When I'm talking to someone, even when I need to vent, or I'm stressed... I think I always try to take time to ask about them, thank them for being there for me. Maybe I don't... maybe I would just like to think I do. Either way, this selfish conversation really hit home for me. And one thing I know for sure... I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE CALLED SELFISH AGAIN. My mom said it's just who I am... well guess what?? I don't have to be that way... I can change. I think that is quite possibly one of the ugliest character flaws ever. And if I had it (which apparently I did)... I know can ditch it. Because you see... there is another "S" word to describe me... STUBBORN. I know what it is like to have selfish people around you, people who only care about themselves. I have never thought of myself as being that kind of person. And just because my life has been really fucking difficult these last couple of years... doesn't mean it's all about me. It doesn't mean that everyone should always be focused on me. I'm over me... and I'm sure everyone else in my life is too.

Going Through Hell

Sometimes our lives our hell. Sometimes we go through hell for the people we love. That's exactly what I did today. It may have been my extreme PMS... or the fact that I just got injections into my spine and head. Perhaps it was the five bulging discs in my neck... the constant headache... the fact that my neck felt like it was in a brace... my shoulder, back and colar bone pain. Maybe it was a little bit of everything. But despite my off-the-charts pain... my pain was meaningless compared to what my boyfriend was doing today. It was a big day for him. So I did my best to put on a happy face. Unfortunately, my best kind of sucked. And I spent most of the day hiding... and crying... and feeling like shit. I sucked it up for dinner. And tried not to be hurt by the fact that my boyfriend had other priorities today. But I still felt very alone... alone in my pain. And then as I was sitting here I realized something. What a selfish bitch I am. Am I really going to be mad at my boyfriend because he didn't have time to personally come and check on me? Am I really going to hold a grudge because I braved one of the worst and most uncomfortable days of my life... so he could make a good impression? My boyfriend is the one person who I can honestly say I believe would give anything to take away my pain. He has and always does put me first... especially when I am in pain. And when you are in love with someone... you make sacrifices. Today... I went through hell for the love of my life. And I would do it again in a heartbeat.

The Other Woman

Tonight I found out about the other woman, the one my boyfriend turns to to give him everything I can not, or do not. She is apparently self-less and all-too understanding. Her world revolves around him. She is always there to listen, to comfort, to care, to be whatever he needs her to be. She never has any of her own problems that "get in the way". She never asks for anything in return. She never expects the same care and compassion from him. For her, he is everything. and that is what he needs. I, on the other hand, have way too many problems of my own. I am always trying to deal with my own issues and therefore am much too busy too pay proper attention to my boyfriend's needs. I am selfish and spoiled and "IT IS NEVER MY FAULT". I am nothing like her.
So who is this mystery woman... alcohol.