Aloha!

Not as in hello... but as in goodbye. I have the next week off of work... supposedly to go to Hawaii with my boyfriend, except there's a hitch. WE HAVE NO MONEY. I don't even know how I'm going to pay my bills this month. So I had to make a decision. Leaving town isn't just finding money for a plane ticket, my dogs have to be kenneled... and that practically doubles the cost of your trip. So now, I am staying and saying aloha to my boyfriend, who will be going back to help with a catering (and make money) and see his brother and twin nephews and all his friends. And I will be left here for four days... all by myself.. here's the kicker.. with no boyfriend... no work.. nothing to do.. and no money to make something happen. I am devastated. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad my boyfriend gets to go home, see his family and friends, have some good down time, AND MAKE MONEY!!! But what is my already depressed, fat ass going to do without him?? I'm just really sad... I'm sad that my boyfriend is going to be gone for 4 days (I don't think I realized until now how attached I have become to him) and I'm sad because he is going to get to do all the fun vacation things without me... and I will be here... alone... with my boys... whom I love don't get me wrong. I am just so sad at the prospect of being alone... Aloha!!

Love Dead

So yesterday I'm sitting at work when I get an email from my dad. It reads:
Do you know when the FBR Gold tourney is this year?
Dead

WTF?? I immediately respond to my dad...
Just got your email... first do you mean the FBR Open, like the golf tournament? And second, when you wrote Dead... did you mean Dad??

Turns out by gold he meant golf and dead was in fact dad.
He wrote me back saying he didn't know what happened... in fact he was a little concerned.. claiming maybe the "old age" was kicking in.
Then he signed it: Love, Dad (Dead)

It was hilarious... I'm not sure if I should be worried about my dad... but for the moment... I am just laughing.. and now I hope, so are you.

JUST TOO MUCH...

Do you ever just feel like you can't win? I am too needy... too crazy.. too impulsive... too anger management. Consequently, no one wants to hang out with me, even my own boyfriend. He thinks I am more than difficult, impossible. In fact, at times, I think he simply avoids me. Here's what I know. No.. you know what... right now.. I'm so angry, I don't know what I know. My boyfriend hates me. He thinks I am always over-reacting... he thinks I blow everything out of proportion. Let's break it down to what this fight is really about.. I have super bad PMS. I mean uncontrollable emotions... anger-management issues... I am out of control. I know it.. I can feel it... I realize it. I am well aware. Listen, I would have loved the opportunity to just go home and be at home in my comfort zone... and not have to worry about anyone else... any other interactions. But unfortunately that was not my lot in life today. My bf was all about hanging out with our friends... grilling steaks (yumm... did I mention I was a vegetarian??) and drinking scotch with the boys. Good for him.. but do I have to be involved because.. let's face it... I am in no condition to "kick it". I end up going to our friends house where my fave gf is not feeling her man either, makes it so much easier for me. We just hide out... I cry...
I cry because I feel like I am a failure... a failure for not finding him a job by now, a failure because he is not happy, a failure because he wishes more than anything he were not here.
Everyday I wake up and (ps I don't pray) but I wish that I have the strength to make it through the day. Bottom line... I am broke... more than I would ever like to admit. Would I love my bf to win Top Chef??? Would I just love my bf to get a job?? Hell Yea!!... but you wanna know what's most important to me?? Cheesy as it sounds.. that when he goes to bed at night... there is NO doubt in is mind that he wants to be with me... that we have fun together.
Of course all that also causes us pleanty of tension, I know he wants more and sometimes he takes that anger and agression out on me, he makes rude comments and then says he is kidding but I know they are designed to sting. I brought him here. To this big desert oasis wherer he still hasn't found work or a lot of his own friends. No matter what he tells you, he is bitter.. unhappy... probably angry.. and on the other side of all those emotions... ME!! Welcome to Arizona!

Fatty

So I had to go to the doctor today. And you know how they always weigh you? I never look because I have never wanted to know. But this nurse decided to announce it to me. I'm pretty sure that it is the most I have ever weighed. I am so unhappy with my body right now. I can't even fit into my jeans right anymore. And I know exactly what the problem is... drinking too much. But I am so stressed at work and then with money that sometimes I just want to escape. And then the drinking makes me snack. I'm still working out... eating good. I just start drinking after that. And what's worse... when I heard my weight... all it made me want to do, was drink. It's a viscious cycle... one that I don't know if I am strong enough to break. All I know, is I am not happy with myself, how I look. And I know that only I can change it. I just need to find the strength to stop self-medicating and stop being a fatty.

Bye, bye Rat Poison

That's right... After 1 year, 4 months and 13 days (but who is counting), I am finally weaning off Coumadin. For those who don't know, Coumadin is a blood thinner. It's designed to prevent me from getting another blood clot. But for the past several months, it hasn't been doing it's job. And it's rat poison. And it interacts with every other medication. And it makes it so I can't eat some of my favorite foods. So you can understand why I am so excited to be putting this part of my life behind me. In exactly 4 days, I will no longer be taking that shit. Instead, I will take an 81mg aspirin 2x a day. Fine by me. Aspirin is not rat poison. So to coumadin and the rat poison... I say... check ya later!