Lonely for control

Do you ever feel like you are living your life in a dream? Like at times you are watching parts go by, but not really participating? Or at other times, watching from the outside... yelling about how you want to change things, or say something different, but no one can hear you? Do you ever feel like your life, this life that is so amazing from the outside... is so out of control you don't know what to do about it?? Control... it seems to be the one thing I keep coming back to in my life. I panic/have anxiety attacks whenever I feel like I'm losing/lost it. It's perhaps THE most important thing to me right now, being in control of my life, EVERYTHING in my life. You think it's silly. Of course no one can be in control of everything in their life. You're right, you can't, yet still I try. And when I fail, I go into panic mode. Why?? I'm not exactly sure, but as far as I can tell, it stems from the fact that a little over a year ago, I completely lost control of my life and almost lost it. So now, maybe, if I just hold on tight enough...
Really it's just driving me crazy. And probably the people in my life too. I need to know what's going on with them, so I can make sure that I am being the best friend, best girlfriend, best employee, best co-worker. It's exhausting. And the bottom line is, I can't do it all. Not everyone is going to be happy with me all the time. I need to be happy with myself. I know that. And I could say it over and over in my head a bigillion times, but it doesn't make it hurt any less when my friend is not supportive of who I am right now or what I am doing, or my boss doesn't like the way I approach things and thinks I'm a bitch, or my boyfriend doesn't want to talk to me and needs his own time and space. If you think you question my decisions... you should be inside my head. I question everything I say... think... do. Do you have any idea how exhausting that is?? Tell me that it doesn't matter what other people think about you, only what you think about yourself. I'll tell you BULLSHIT~! I don't need everyone to like me.. but when the people you count on suddenly aren't there... this world can feel very lonely.