Evil

You are an evil person. Only an evil person would use their power to deliberately crush another person's hopes and dreams. Only an evil person would have the audacity to look someone in the eyes and show zero emotion while they were taking away everything they had worked so hard for. Only an evil person would put personal feelings ahead of what they should be focused on. Only an evil person would intentionally try to break another person. You think I am weak... It is you that is weak. If this is your way of leading... that is weak. You are sexist. It is so obvious in the comments you make... and the way you treat people. And you know nothing about me. Yet you have made up your mind about who I am and what I do. And everything you have decided, couldn't be further from the truth. But none of that matters. None of it matters because you happen to have the power in this situation. You may have the power there, but you do not control me. You can try to break me... and you may partially be succeeding... but I am fighting back... I will not let you break me... in the end I will come out on top. And you will still be an evil, evil man. You will get yours. You see, I believe in karma. And you have done such awful things to so many people, you should be very, very afraid of what you have coming to you. That gives me a little satisfaction. But I can't worry about you, because I need to focus on me... and finding the strength somewhere inside me to pick myself up... find my happiness... and forget about you. Because in the end, you are just a giant bump in my road. An evil, rude, asshole of a bump in my road.
I leave you with a quote from a wise man:
"Power over others is weakness disguised as strength."

Daddy

The first man to ever hold my hand.
The first man to kiss me goodnight.
The first man to soothe me to sleep.
The first man to ever make me feel safe.

The first man to encourage my dreams.
The first man to make me realize how special I am.
The first man to tell me to settle for nothing less than success.
The first man to believe I was more than a housewife.

The first man to tell me I was beautiful.
The first man to instill in me a sense of self worth.
The first man to make me understand what I deserved from the people in my life.
The first man to pick me up and dust me off when I was let down.

The first man to wipe away my tears.
The first man to tell me it was going to be alright and really make me believe it.
The first man who could make me feel better without saying a word.
The only man who has yet to break my heart.

My dad...
My friend...
My confidante...
The man I've always admired, looked up to and felt lucky to have.

Lonely for control

Do you ever feel like you are living your life in a dream? Like at times you are watching parts go by, but not really participating? Or at other times, watching from the outside... yelling about how you want to change things, or say something different, but no one can hear you? Do you ever feel like your life, this life that is so amazing from the outside... is so out of control you don't know what to do about it?? Control... it seems to be the one thing I keep coming back to in my life. I panic/have anxiety attacks whenever I feel like I'm losing/lost it. It's perhaps THE most important thing to me right now, being in control of my life, EVERYTHING in my life. You think it's silly. Of course no one can be in control of everything in their life. You're right, you can't, yet still I try. And when I fail, I go into panic mode. Why?? I'm not exactly sure, but as far as I can tell, it stems from the fact that a little over a year ago, I completely lost control of my life and almost lost it. So now, maybe, if I just hold on tight enough...
Really it's just driving me crazy. And probably the people in my life too. I need to know what's going on with them, so I can make sure that I am being the best friend, best girlfriend, best employee, best co-worker. It's exhausting. And the bottom line is, I can't do it all. Not everyone is going to be happy with me all the time. I need to be happy with myself. I know that. And I could say it over and over in my head a bigillion times, but it doesn't make it hurt any less when my friend is not supportive of who I am right now or what I am doing, or my boss doesn't like the way I approach things and thinks I'm a bitch, or my boyfriend doesn't want to talk to me and needs his own time and space. If you think you question my decisions... you should be inside my head. I question everything I say... think... do. Do you have any idea how exhausting that is?? Tell me that it doesn't matter what other people think about you, only what you think about yourself. I'll tell you BULLSHIT~! I don't need everyone to like me.. but when the people you count on suddenly aren't there... this world can feel very lonely.

Jury Dreams Dashed

All my jury duty hopes and dreams were dashed today. Believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to jury duty. Not that I wanted to get picked, just that I wanted to go see what it was all about. My instructions were simple. Call at 11am to hear when your group number is to report for jury duty today. I was ready and waiting at 11am. I anxiously dialed the number and the recording began... "please listen to the message all the way to the end. Groups number .... are to report to the Courthouse at 12:45am. Groups.... and 8501 (my group)... are released. If your services are needed in the future, you will receive another summons." Ahh... the heartbreak... no jury duty. Maybe I was just curious since the courts are something I deal with at work all the time... maybe I should be counting my blessings that I didn't get called. But I can't help but feeling a little bit cheated. Did you know that neither one of my parents have ever been called for jury duty either?? I think it's the name!!!