I WILL DO ANYTHING!

BITCH... That's probably the only word to describe me right now. I am so sensitive... so angry... so fragile. I am so fed up with being in pain... so fed up with the fact that I can not get help... so fed up with doctors. Doctor... when you think of a doctor... you think of help... life-saving... relief... hero. I have yet to find my Superman (or woman). I know first hand that you need to be an advocate for yourself. I know that I need to push when it comes to my medical care to get what I need. But it doesn't seem to matter what I do... where I go... I can not seem to make anyone understand. I have seen some of the "supposed best" doctors in town. And yet here I am... still in excruciating pain... still self-medicating, self-loathing, self-destructing. For two years now, I have been dealing with this shit. And for two years now, it has been getting worse, not better. I don't know what is going on with me... but I know something must be really wrong. I know that at 29 years of age... I should not be in constant... debilitating pain. I know that I am not making it up. I know what I feel. But for some reason.. I can not get anyone else to listen, to believe me. Do you have any idea what it is like to be in constant pain? To spend your life faking it... pretending like you are okay, when inside you are really dying?? Do you know what it is like to not have the support and care that you need, that you deserve?? If I had just sat around for two years... hoping that it would get better, I would have no one to blame but myself. But that is not at all what I have been doing. I have seen more doctors in these past two years than most people see in a lifetime. And still I sit here... IN PAIN. I can't sleep... can't focus... can't function... can't accomplish... can't be nice. I spend all my energy just getting through the day... and then when I get home.. I take it out on the ONE person who really loves me. The one person who is always there for me. I don't know what is wrong with me. I really feel like I am going crazy. I honestly do not believe you can be in this much pain.. and still be sane. I just want to be normal... I want to be happy... I want to feel good... I want to feel in control of my health and my life. I want a doctor... one doctor... to understand... to believe me... to feel my pain.. to take action... to want to fix me as much as I want to fix myself. I can't do this much longer. It has been two years... TWO FUCKING YEARS... I am tired. Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of getting my hopes up, tired of faking it, tired of being a bitch, just plain TIRED! I honestly don't know what to do... but I do know, something has to give. I can't live like this anymore. It is ruining my self-esteem, my job, my friendships and most importantly... it is ruining my relationship- The one thing that means the very most to me in life. I can not live without my boyfriend. I literally would be lost without him. He is the only thing that has made me make it this far. And the one person who makes me believe there may be a light at the end of this fucked-up tunnel. I WANT HELP... I DESERVE HELP... I NEED HELP. Life is not supposed to be this painful... what the fuck do I have to do to get some relief??? I WILL DO ANYTHING!!!!!

2 years of hell

That's what my life has been... 2 years of hell. (Insert you little violin, playing a little song just for me, but this is my blog and I'm still going to bitch if you don't like it... stop reading now! Keep reading, maybe you might relate!) It all started in April of 2007 when I fell down the stairs drunk in a pair of too tall heels. Who knew a simple little ankle injury would fuck up my life. A month and several misdiagnosis later, I was in the hospital with a blood clot the size of Texas in my leg (stop me if you've heard this one!) and two small clots (thank god they were small) in my right lung (we nicknamed them Bert & Ernie). After 6 days in the hospital, a few days on complete bedrest I was ready to go home... to my brand new life with a clotting disorder. No more birth control, no more smoking, coumadin for at least 6 months, and no drinking. HELL!! Take away the birth control, and I get SEVERE PMS... AND HORRENDOUS CRAMPS. Then came the mental effects of nearly dying. Severe anxiety attacks... depression... a psychiatrist diagnosed me with mild depression, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder and panic disorder. That came with a couple of medications to control my panic attacks and mood swings and such. Of course, it took time to find the ones that actually worked for me. And then came the migraines. Headaches like I have never expierenced before... usually around the same time I would get severe PMS. Sometimes so badly I couldn't see straight. As the months went on, they came more and more frequently. And then... just when I thought I was getting my mental health in order... I fell down some stairs (yes, I know, AGAIN) while in Hawaii on vacation with my boyfriend. This time, I couldn't just bruise a bone... I really went all the way. I got myself a spiral fracture of both bones in my ankle... basically I broke it in 3 places requiring surgery... a plate... 6 screws and 2 pins to repair it. It also meant that I had to be completely off my ankle for the next 6 weeks... then in a walking cast for 5 weeks. You should have seen me scooting up and down my stairs on my butt for weeks on end. It was by far the worst pain I have ever endured.. and the biggest pain in the ass. You just don't realize how much you need a leg until it is taken away! So now that that's taken care of... let's get back to those pesky migraines that still have not gone away... and did I mention are just getting more and more frequent. I saw doctor after doctor... who put me on migraine medicine after migraine medicine... all without success. I saw a neurologist who sent me for an MRI which showed nothing... and then he put me on yet another migraine medicine which of course didn't work. So when I finally got a migraine for 6 weeks straight... I decided to take some drastic steps. I went to this center where they do injections to treat chronic pain... actual shots into your head, neck, shoulders, back. They are a sort of anti-inflamatory that when injected works to soothe nerves and muscles. Also I started going to a chiropractor, who x-rayed my back and showed me how messed up it really was... requiring treatments 3x a week. So while I am trying to make myself healthier... I get yet another setback... this time from work. All of this is 1 year and 10 months. And that's just the health stuff....
Let us not forget about my several car troubles costing a couple thousand dollars... one time leaving me stranded on the side of the freeway... an accident on Thanksgiving that was ruled my fault and resulted in a nice ticket for me... my several photo radar tickets...
And of course, my always tight financial situation, due mostly to my never ending medical bills.
I now see a therapist about once every 2 weeks.
A chiropractor 3 times a week.
My pain injection doctor once every 2 weeks.
My pychiatrist once every 6-8 weeks.
All in an effort to get control of my health, my life.
But it just seems like everytime I get a handle on one thing, something else pops up... everytime it seems like my life is finally getting on the right track.. heading out of hell, someone or something derails me.