Loving Lawless

I am in love. So deeply, I hurt when he hurts. When he smiles, I smile. When he is happy, I am happy. Will it always be this way? I am so afraid. Afraid something might change and I will lose him. Afraid something will come between us. Afraid one day we will wake up and resent each other. How do I make sure that doesn't happen? How do I know this is it? My heart hurts when I am not with him. My heart hurts thinking about losing him. But haven't all those other couples that came before, haven't they had these feelings too?? How do you know it is real? More importantly, how do you make sure it stays like this forever? I have yet to see one successful relationship. Do they all fall apart? At some point, do they have to resent each other? Do they all reach the point where they don't want to fight anymore? The minute you stop fighting, you stop fighting for your love. Right? If you don't even care enough to make your point, you certainly can't care enough for the other person. Am I wrong? So I guess my issue is this. How the hell do I make sure I never, ever get to that point? How do I make sure that my love for this amazing man never fades? How do I make sure that we are together forever? Not because we have to be. Not because we said we would. Because we want to. We can not imagine our lives without each other. Just being together makes us happy. Does that happen any more? Do people love like that any more? It seems like no one has it, so it must be fleeting. I am so, so, so afraid of this incredible feeling going away. I am so afraid that one day I am going to wake up and it will all be gone. I am so afraid of having to live one second of my life without him. I am not Living Lawless any more. I am Loving Lawless. Hoping and praying that this heart never breaks again, that it never wants for anything any more, that I am forever and always relentlessly, overwhelmingly, completely IN LOVE!!!

I WILL DO ANYTHING!

BITCH... That's probably the only word to describe me right now. I am so sensitive... so angry... so fragile. I am so fed up with being in pain... so fed up with the fact that I can not get help... so fed up with doctors. Doctor... when you think of a doctor... you think of help... life-saving... relief... hero. I have yet to find my Superman (or woman). I know first hand that you need to be an advocate for yourself. I know that I need to push when it comes to my medical care to get what I need. But it doesn't seem to matter what I do... where I go... I can not seem to make anyone understand. I have seen some of the "supposed best" doctors in town. And yet here I am... still in excruciating pain... still self-medicating, self-loathing, self-destructing. For two years now, I have been dealing with this shit. And for two years now, it has been getting worse, not better. I don't know what is going on with me... but I know something must be really wrong. I know that at 29 years of age... I should not be in constant... debilitating pain. I know that I am not making it up. I know what I feel. But for some reason.. I can not get anyone else to listen, to believe me. Do you have any idea what it is like to be in constant pain? To spend your life faking it... pretending like you are okay, when inside you are really dying?? Do you know what it is like to not have the support and care that you need, that you deserve?? If I had just sat around for two years... hoping that it would get better, I would have no one to blame but myself. But that is not at all what I have been doing. I have seen more doctors in these past two years than most people see in a lifetime. And still I sit here... IN PAIN. I can't sleep... can't focus... can't function... can't accomplish... can't be nice. I spend all my energy just getting through the day... and then when I get home.. I take it out on the ONE person who really loves me. The one person who is always there for me. I don't know what is wrong with me. I really feel like I am going crazy. I honestly do not believe you can be in this much pain.. and still be sane. I just want to be normal... I want to be happy... I want to feel good... I want to feel in control of my health and my life. I want a doctor... one doctor... to understand... to believe me... to feel my pain.. to take action... to want to fix me as much as I want to fix myself. I can't do this much longer. It has been two years... TWO FUCKING YEARS... I am tired. Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of getting my hopes up, tired of faking it, tired of being a bitch, just plain TIRED! I honestly don't know what to do... but I do know, something has to give. I can't live like this anymore. It is ruining my self-esteem, my job, my friendships and most importantly... it is ruining my relationship- The one thing that means the very most to me in life. I can not live without my boyfriend. I literally would be lost without him. He is the only thing that has made me make it this far. And the one person who makes me believe there may be a light at the end of this fucked-up tunnel. I WANT HELP... I DESERVE HELP... I NEED HELP. Life is not supposed to be this painful... what the fuck do I have to do to get some relief??? I WILL DO ANYTHING!!!!!

What Does It Take???

Lately it seems like the most difficult thing to find. It's just about the only thing I want... and yet I just can't seem to get my hands on it. It doesn't seem to matter what I do. I will myself to have it. I cry because I don't. I talk about having it, in hopes it will appear. I fake it and pretend like I do. I wish really, really hard. I sleep for a really long time and dream that I will wake up with it. I numb myself so that I don't have to think about living without it anymore. I pretend like I don't really need it (so then maybe it will come). I think I have tried just about everything... and still nothing. So what does it take? What does one have to do to be happy these days?? I miss more than anything being happy. Feeling good about myself and my life. I want my happiness back. I just don't know how to get it. I know only I can make myself truly happy, no one else can do it for me. But I feel so lost, so alone, so ashamed. I feel like such a failure. How did I get here? Well, I guess I know how I got here. Now I need to know how to dig myself out of this massive hole I call my life. I WANT TO BE HAPPY... at this point... I'll even settle for content.

Space

What is with your fucking attitude lately? What is with the sarcasm... the treating me like shit? What is with the snapping at me... the short temper? And why the fuck must it be now? Now, when you know I am in hell. Now, when you know I am extremely sensitive. Now, when you know I feel like no one is on my side. Now, when all I need from you is to be there for me. What the fuck is going on with you? I don't understand. I really don't understand how you would decide to act like this at the time I need you most. Especially after all I have done for you. When you were down and needed help, I was there for you. When you were looking for jobs, I did the leg work, happily. When you were miserable at your job... I supported you, even when you were taking it out on me... treating me like shit. And now that you are happy, I couldn't be happier for you. So why the fuck can't I get some of the same compassion, love, understanding, support. You are supposed to be my best friend, my rock, the person I turn to in any and all situations. Lately it feels like I have to walk on egg shells around you. I'm fucking sick of it.
Let's take last night for example: I walk in the door to a barrage of anger... all about how you didn't sleep good last night because you were sleeping on your arm. "Why were you sleeping on your arm.", I ask sweetly. Him-"Well, you try to sleep on 8 inches of bed... with one dog here and one dog here (picture a re-enactment here) and you here and 4 feet of bed on the other side of you." Me-"Honey, if the dogs are in your way, just move them over. If I am crowding you, just gently move me over." Him-"Oh like that's gonna work. I know how crabby you are when you wake up." Me-"Yes, but you also know what a heavy sleeper I am. Once I'm out, I won't even notice if you move me." This goes on and on for a good 20 minutes. I blow up. I've just got home from a long day, does he really need to interrogate me right now? We don't talk for about a half hour, then it starts again. Him-"I'm a right handed sleeper and I sleep on the left side of the bed... When I roll over, I'm on the end of the bed." Me-"Babe, why don't you just start in the middle of the bed then." Him-"Fine, that's what I'll do." It's finally settled but we basically don't speak for the rest of the night, he is so angry with me about the fact I apparently ruined his night of sleep. Then, when we do go to bed. He gets in first. And by the time, I get in... he is in the middle of the bed... with get this!... a pillow next to him as a make-shift barricade... just to make sure I don't get too close. I get into bed and then call the dogs from his side of the bed... to mine. But he stops me, "They're fine!" Me-"Are you sure? I just don't want them to bother you." Him-"Yes, I said they're fine." So, basically I am the only problem. I am the only one bothering him while he is trying to get his precious beauty sleep. Heaven forbid I should want to sleep next to the love of my life. You want your space asshole... you're gonna get it.

Give it up?

Why should I have to give up something I love, just to be happy? Why should I have to change my life, my world, to keep my sanity? How is it that one person can poison it for everyone? Everyone keeps saying that I just need to let it go, let it roll off my back, not let it get to me. Don't you think I am trying to do that? But it is so much bigger than that. I am so angry. Angry at the ways things have changed. Angry that I am physically sick now. Angry that something that used to make me happy, I used to love to do, I now dread. Angry that all we do is focus on the negative. Angry I have anxiety and migraines the second I walk in the door. Angry that it is normal to snap at each other, take things out on each other, blame each other, throw each other under the bus. I am angry at what we have become, what I am a part of. I used to be proud, now I just try and get by. So what do I do? Let one person make me give up what I love or make myself happy? What is more important, my sanity and health on a daily basis or something I have always wanted to do and I am damn good at, even if no one recognizes it lately? What would you do??

Marriage Secrets

What makes a marriage last? And not just last... but happy? These are questions I have been pondering and not just because I am home visiting my parents who have been married for more than 30 years... and certainly don't always have a happy marriage. They bicker and pick on each other and sometimes, I think, intentionally piss each other off. Or my newly married friends, who seemed to have the perfect relationship and are having problems now, not problems that would break up their marriage, but things are no longer perfect. Then there is my two girlfriends who each got married and divorced in a year. I'm just wondering, does marriage ruin the relationship?? Can things be all fine and dandy until you throw that marriage thing in there? I know relationships are not all fun and games. I understand there are fights, tears and words you wish you could take back. But, I guess my question is, do the trying times get enhanced once you slip the wedding band on?? Is is because we stop trying so hard? Now we have the guy/girl and so we don't have to impress as much (bring flowers, remember to compliment, listen). Or perhaps those fights were happening all along behind the scenes. Perhaps when people get married, they just get vocal about their problems. You always hear men or women bitching about their spouses, like it's funny. It's a joke. Bottom line is... I don't want to be one of those couples... married or not... laughing about how much I dislike my partner. I don't expect things to be roses and sunshine always, but I do want to love the man that I am with for the rest of my life. I want to be happy with him for the rest of my life. I want to feel lucky to have him for the rest of my life. I want to remember how I feel about him now... forever. Can that be done?? What is the secret to a happy marriage???