Drinking it away...

Has a portion of your life ever just came rushing back? Have the flood gates ever just opened up and brought you right back to a place and time in your life you thought you had forgot?
It just happened to me as I was, get this, watching the Real World. The drunken, overly emotional, screwed in the head antics of one of the "characters" reminded me, of me. I saw clearly the similarities between me and this girl, I understood why. I was reminded of a time in my life, a situation that I thought was gone and buried.
One night I ran into this guy that I went to college with. He was a couple years older than me, and I totally had a crush on him. We ended up hanging out and I got wasted. I left the bar with him, and I went to one of his friend's houses. I vaguely remember being there. And for some reason, I feel like I lost it and flipped out on him. Hours later two police officers woke me up. I had been sleeping on some one's patio, someone I did not know, and they did not know me. After getting the 3rd degree and being called everything from a delinquent to a slut by one of the cops, they called me a cab. The cab took me to my car which I had left near the club, and then I headed home, or so I thought. Hours later I remember finding myself on the other side of the city. I couldn't for the life of me remember how I got there, where I had been or why I was there. I finally made it home, with barely any memories of the night before. So what did I do? I buried it. I kept shoving it down and brushing it off until it was gone, or so I thought.
Watching the Real World tonight, it came back to me and I realized why I got so drunk that night.
I remembered I liked him the guy from college. What I didn't allow myself to think about was why I didn't like him.
When we were in college I got drunk and ended up hooking up with one of his friends. I buried that night, down deep, in a place I thought where I thought it would never resurface. Tonight, it came back. I remembered the guy I was hooking up with inviting his boys in. One of them was this guy I liked. The reason I buried that night... just came rushing back. It is so difficult for me to face, I cannot even say it out loud. I was violated, by several guys.
Fast forward to the night at the club, when for some reason I decided I wanted to hang out with him, even flirt with him. Maybe I thought it would be fun to shoot him down. Instead, I found myself drinking and drinking and drinking.
I left the club with this guy and went to his friends house, now really fucked up, and it all came spilling out. I got kicked out of the house for my drunken rant, accusing my crush of.. well you know. I was miles from my home, in the middle of the night. I just started walking, got lost in a neighborhood and finally needed to rest so I landed on a bench on a stranger's patio.
What I realized tonight was that I allowed myself to get that drunk, because I was trying to forget. I was hoping I could just pretend like it never happened, drink enough that I had a different life.
I was self-medicating, hoping when the buzz wore off, I would have a different life. Instead, the drinking just brought out the issues I had worked so hard to bury. I didn't want to think about what happened years ago, something I blamed myself for. The truth is, I drank way too much for several years. The truth is, I was only creating more issues when I was trying to drink them away. The truth is, there are a lot of things in my life I don't want to face, don't want to remember, don't want to deal with. The truth is, I just realized why I always got so fucked up. I got fucked up because I was fucked up...and I still am... fucked up.

We got problems

You know when we got problems??? The minute you start lying to me. What do I look like? An idiot?? You know what my favorite part is though?? Finding the receipt, time-stamped at 4:30pm and getting a super excited call from you at 5:15pm about your new job prospect... so you promise me we're gonna have a great night, you aren't gonna be drunk. You actually said that, word for word. And then I get home and find a completely different you. And when I question you about it, what do you do? Throw a temper tantrum, like a spoiled little brat. Refuse to answer my questions, instead you stomp upstairs at 8:30pm and say you are going to bed.
More like passing out. Whatever. Fuck you. And fuck your lying too. You wanna know what the saddest part is, I'm not even that angry... not at all surprised. I'm just so fucking disappointed. But right now, I'm trying to figure out who I am disappointed in... you for lying to me or me for putting up with you. It won't last long... I promise you that. I'll figure it out soon. This numb feeling will wear off and I'm sure I'll start to feel the pain. And then, you better watch out.

A Hilarious First

A first for me!!! Let's face it... it doesn't happen very often for me (I'm kinda one of those been there, done there kinda girls!!) So I get super excited to do something new... and let's just say this last adventure did not disappoint.
Yes... I have a bucket list. I decided to make it early in life... and add all along the way, making sure that I am always pushing myself to do different things. So one of the things that has been sitting on my list for at least a year... going to a comedy show. Then I heard Chelsea Handler, star of one of my favorite late night talk shows and author of a book I'm reading right now, was coming to Phoenix. I had to go!! I easily found two girlfriends to accompany me... and we were off. I was hoping to be entertained... but I got that... and so much more!!
First... Heather, Long-boobs, camel-toe opened. She was hilarious in her own way (If you don't watch Chelsea Lately... at least for the round tables at the beginning of the show... you are totally missing out!!)
And then came Chelsea!!! I know that she is supposed to be a raging alcoholic... who loves to fuck... sometimes really wierd guys... at least until she got her new boyfriend (who she calls the "silver fox") and I have heard is the head of E! which is why she got a show. P.S. I don't really care why she got a show... she is fucking hilarious... she should have one!! So anyway... this whole drinking thing. As a loyal Chelsea Lately viewer I can tell you she is not drunk while she tapes the show... the same however is not true for her comedy shows. She was definitely drunk... except she could still do her show... and make me laugh so hard my stomach hurt. Do they call that "functioning alcoholic"??? If so, I say function away... she cracked me up. On stage... she had two water bottles and glass with a stray and a lemon... I can only assume vodka and soda accompanied it! (Correct me if I'm wrong Chelsea!!!) Whatever it was, it doesn't matter. Her show was everything I wanted and more. Totally inapporpriate... a lot about sex... with a little something else thrown in. I laughed so hard I cried, nearly peed my pants... and seriously felt like I had been doing sit-ups for hours. My first comedy show... definitely a success... I may be addicted now... who's next?!!