We got problems

You know when we got problems??? The minute you start lying to me. What do I look like? An idiot?? You know what my favorite part is though?? Finding the receipt, time-stamped at 4:30pm and getting a super excited call from you at 5:15pm about your new job prospect... so you promise me we're gonna have a great night, you aren't gonna be drunk. You actually said that, word for word. And then I get home and find a completely different you. And when I question you about it, what do you do? Throw a temper tantrum, like a spoiled little brat. Refuse to answer my questions, instead you stomp upstairs at 8:30pm and say you are going to bed.
More like passing out. Whatever. Fuck you. And fuck your lying too. You wanna know what the saddest part is, I'm not even that angry... not at all surprised. I'm just so fucking disappointed. But right now, I'm trying to figure out who I am disappointed in... you for lying to me or me for putting up with you. It won't last long... I promise you that. I'll figure it out soon. This numb feeling will wear off and I'm sure I'll start to feel the pain. And then, you better watch out.

Crawl before you walk

What's that saying... "you have to learn how to crawl before you can walk"?? Well I am crawling again and praying I can figure out this walking thing. I feel like a toddler all over again. Except I don't have a cushey diaper to land on if I fall down!! That's right folks... the cast is off and it's now time for me to start walking again. Easier said than done. My right calf is seriously half the size of the left one and I feel like I have no control over the muscles in my ankle. Every movement is painful... but I have to do it... I have to push through. That's what happens when muscles aren't used in 7 weeks and your ankle is completely rebuilt with a bunch of metal!! So I'm in a walking cast, but I can't yet walk in it. I have to use crutches to help, hopefully not for long. Anyway, the bottom line is I'm back to crawling... using that couch to pull myself up... and hoping to soon be able to take my first steps. Get your video cameras ready kids...

Living in fear

For 3 weeks I was living in fear... in fear of this thing that can creep up with no warning... and if you are not paying enough attention, take over in an instant. This thing that can lay dormant for days or weeks, or at any moment decide to take you life. This thing that I have battled and beat once before. Would the odds be in my favor yet again? For 3 weeks I was living in fear of another blood clot. You see, it is all about the thickness of my blood. It is a very delicate process. When they did surgery on my ankle, they had to thicken up my blood or I could have bled out on the table. But then after surgery, we had to, as quickly as possible, get my blood back to the right "thinness" so that I am not at risk of clotting, because you are most at risk of clotting when you are immobilizing a part of your body. The blood is naturally not going to circulate as well in that area, making it easier for a clot to form. Add to that the fact that I have a clotting disorder, a mutation that makes my blood more susceptible to clots. And then on top of that.. throw in the fact that this same situation was how I got my last clots. Only then we didn't know. Now we know... and now we know what we have to do... get my blood back to the right thinness. But for whatever reason, my blood is not thinning quickly enough. I have shots in my stomach twice a day for a week to cover me. That is supposed to be long enough for my blood to thin, but it is not. For 3 weeks, once a week I go to get tested and then wait for days for the phone call, the call that I hope will give me some peace of mind, the call that will tell me my blood is "theraputic"... that's what they call it when it's thin enough. But for 3 weeks it is bad news... still to thick... still at risk. For 3 weeks I worry, what if I have a clot under my cast and I just can't see the symptoms? What if the pain is from the clot not the ankle break? What if I don't pick up on it? I don't want to be back in the hospital. And what are the odds that I could walk around with another blood clot.. and not do major damage? For 3 weeks I was living in fear... and then... I got the news I was waiting for... therapeutic. It doesn't mean I can't get a clot, but it does mean my chances are a lot lower. They are the chances I will have to live with for the rest of my life... I have a clotting disorder... but at least for now... it looks like I have dodged a bullet.

Let down... and not gently

Every once in a while we all get let down... even by our closest, best, most thoughtful and caring friends. But it doesn't mean I have to like it. When you needed me I dropped everything to be there... to do whatever was needed to make you feel better. To support... to love... And today, I needed you. I needed you to help me feel better. To do me a favor so that I could make it through my day. A favor I asked for way in advance... and you promised you would do. But instead you decided shopping was more important... so you blew me off. You left me to spend the entire day at work in pain... knowing full well what I would be going through. But perhaps even worse... you made my babies suffer... 24 hours with no bathroom breaks... meant two nice big pee spots on my carpet when I got home. And I can't blame them. It's my fault really. They are my responsibility... and I shouldn't have forgotten my meds... but you still let me down. It doesn't mean I don't love you... or that I love you any less... but you picked shopping over me... and that's just a sad fact. One I hope never happens again...
The lesson here my friends... we all make mistakes... we all fuck up... we all make bad choices...
But I think when we put something as stupid as say "shopping" in front of our friends... we are really dropping the ball.
Time to pick it up... learn from our mistakes... make our apologies and move on.
You don't let great friends go over stupid things like this.. but you certainly don't let them slide either.
I just think everyday you should be asking yourself.. what kind of friend do I want to be... and what kind of friend am I being?