Scooter Envy

So as many of you know, I have this "scooter" to get around since I broke both the bones in my ankle and have been banned from walking. Basically it is a walker... with a shelf for me to rest my leg on and then I push with my good leg. I can certainly move faster on the scooter than I can on crutches and it gives me the ability to carry something in one hand (which you can absolutely not do on crutches) so I guess you could say it has made my life with a broken ankle easier. But it has also started this whole new phenomenon that I just don't understand... one that drives me literally crazy... scooter envy. I can not tell you how many people have told me how "cool" it is and that "they want one". And then today, this guy is at our work, he has a walking cast on and so he says to me "Hey I need one of those" and flashes me his walking cast as he goes WALKING by. WALKING people.... that's the problem. That walking cast... is my next step (literally). That is the goal of my next doctor's visit, to get me into one of those, but for the past 7 weeks I have not been able to walk. It's like not being able to brush your teeth, it's one of those things we just take for granted without really realizing what a pain in the ass it is to not be able to do it!!! And this, my friends, is why I can not handle the scooter envy. If you can walk, don't talk to me about how you want one, or need one. NO YOU DON'T! And as someone who would give just about anything to walk right now, I don't think it's cute or funny. Now don't get me wrong, I know people are curious and want to take the scooter for a spin and I don't mind that at all. But to those who think their twisted ankle should get them a scooter... and then we could maybe bond over it... I say F-OFF (or as some of you like to say EFF-OFF) Perhaps when I can once again WALK... your scooter envy will not make me want to run you over.

Penis Envy

So I'm out with a couple of my girlfriends... and they have had a few (too many). I am still on my restricted drinking plan (i.e. way too sober!- but hey, at least I'm drinking at all!!!) So anyway, one of my girlfriends says that this guys that she is "seeing" has sent her a very inappropriate picture (he is out of town right now). So, of course I want to see it. I doesn't take much cajoling. She's drunk and well, I am very convincing. So she shows us his rock hard penis, fully erect. Nice picture. But all it makes me think is... WTF. I have been in a long distance relationship for months... I have sent pleanty of dirty pictures... we have our fair share of phone sex, but I have yet to receive a penis picture from my BOYFRIEND. And this little... I don't even know what to call him... of hers, is already giving it up. Once again... WTF? So of course, when I talk to my boyfriend on my way home that night I ask... WTF? He insists he has offered numerous times and I have shot him down. What???? Me turn down dick? We all know that does not happen. So I make it perfectly clear that I want a fully erect penis picture ASAP!
So this morning... my text message alert goes off... and I see it's from him. I can hardly contain my excitement!!! I open it up to a fully hard penis picture. Ahhh!!! Life is fair again. Under the picture... he has written "Good Morning Wood!" Funny... cute... great sex... and he loves me... man I'm lucky!!
So I call him immediately and say "I can not believe you just sent me a picture of your penis. That is so inappropriate."
"You told me to", he protests (I can hear him getting irritated)
"I would never say such a thing", I respond, before I burst out laughing. Then I tell him how much I love it!!!
So I was telling my girlfriend about the whole story this morning, and she said... it's funny. Some women get jealous when their friends get flowers or gifts from boys... you get upset over penis pictures. That's right... I guess I just have penis (picture) envy!!!