Loving Lawless

I am in love. So deeply, I hurt when he hurts. When he smiles, I smile. When he is happy, I am happy. Will it always be this way? I am so afraid. Afraid something might change and I will lose him. Afraid something will come between us. Afraid one day we will wake up and resent each other. How do I make sure that doesn't happen? How do I know this is it? My heart hurts when I am not with him. My heart hurts thinking about losing him. But haven't all those other couples that came before, haven't they had these feelings too?? How do you know it is real? More importantly, how do you make sure it stays like this forever? I have yet to see one successful relationship. Do they all fall apart? At some point, do they have to resent each other? Do they all reach the point where they don't want to fight anymore? The minute you stop fighting, you stop fighting for your love. Right? If you don't even care enough to make your point, you certainly can't care enough for the other person. Am I wrong? So I guess my issue is this. How the hell do I make sure I never, ever get to that point? How do I make sure that my love for this amazing man never fades? How do I make sure that we are together forever? Not because we have to be. Not because we said we would. Because we want to. We can not imagine our lives without each other. Just being together makes us happy. Does that happen any more? Do people love like that any more? It seems like no one has it, so it must be fleeting. I am so, so, so afraid of this incredible feeling going away. I am so afraid that one day I am going to wake up and it will all be gone. I am so afraid of having to live one second of my life without him. I am not Living Lawless any more. I am Loving Lawless. Hoping and praying that this heart never breaks again, that it never wants for anything any more, that I am forever and always relentlessly, overwhelmingly, completely IN LOVE!!!

Creating My Crazy...

Am I creating my crazy?? It's an interesting question... one posed to me tonight by my friend, well not by my friend, but by a book she was reading. Essentially it said that mental illness comes from us not being able to handle things not being perfect, or always being happy in our lives; that mental illness was really the result of us complaining about our lives being so difficult for such a long period of time, that we don't realize that no one's life is perfect. Other people are just choosing not to bitch about it everyday, instead to pick up the pieces... do the best they can and move on. It is an incredibly interesting theory. One that really has me thinking about how much of my crazy I have created. Do I think I could probably make better decisions for myself at times?? Absolutely. But do I think that my mental health would be fine if I just accepted the fact that everyone has hard times... NO FUCKING WAY. The book talked about not denying... not running away.. not hiding from problems. Well, I've done that in my life. And I can tell you right now, I am not. I am facing all of my problems, all of my issues head on. I am fighting as hard as I can, everyday, to find inner peace, to believe in myself, to love myself, to have the feeling of control over my life I so badly need, to not take things too personally, to try and let things go... I AM FIGHTING. Do I have mental illness??? It's probably one of the hardest things to say... or admit to myself, but yes. But I'm not just taking it lying down. I'm not just popping a bunch of pills and calling it a day. No, everyday I get up with the goal of being a better person. Everyday I work on making myself whole, feeling good again. And everyday, I take a step in the direction of getting off my medication. I just know it's so much easier if you are not in the glass house to throw the stones. And while I know everyone's bottom line is wanting to help... you want to know what the best help is... LOVE AND SUPPORT. It truly is that simple. Now if only I knew the cure for crazy.......