Space

What is with your fucking attitude lately? What is with the sarcasm... the treating me like shit? What is with the snapping at me... the short temper? And why the fuck must it be now? Now, when you know I am in hell. Now, when you know I am extremely sensitive. Now, when you know I feel like no one is on my side. Now, when all I need from you is to be there for me. What the fuck is going on with you? I don't understand. I really don't understand how you would decide to act like this at the time I need you most. Especially after all I have done for you. When you were down and needed help, I was there for you. When you were looking for jobs, I did the leg work, happily. When you were miserable at your job... I supported you, even when you were taking it out on me... treating me like shit. And now that you are happy, I couldn't be happier for you. So why the fuck can't I get some of the same compassion, love, understanding, support. You are supposed to be my best friend, my rock, the person I turn to in any and all situations. Lately it feels like I have to walk on egg shells around you. I'm fucking sick of it.
Let's take last night for example: I walk in the door to a barrage of anger... all about how you didn't sleep good last night because you were sleeping on your arm. "Why were you sleeping on your arm.", I ask sweetly. Him-"Well, you try to sleep on 8 inches of bed... with one dog here and one dog here (picture a re-enactment here) and you here and 4 feet of bed on the other side of you." Me-"Honey, if the dogs are in your way, just move them over. If I am crowding you, just gently move me over." Him-"Oh like that's gonna work. I know how crabby you are when you wake up." Me-"Yes, but you also know what a heavy sleeper I am. Once I'm out, I won't even notice if you move me." This goes on and on for a good 20 minutes. I blow up. I've just got home from a long day, does he really need to interrogate me right now? We don't talk for about a half hour, then it starts again. Him-"I'm a right handed sleeper and I sleep on the left side of the bed... When I roll over, I'm on the end of the bed." Me-"Babe, why don't you just start in the middle of the bed then." Him-"Fine, that's what I'll do." It's finally settled but we basically don't speak for the rest of the night, he is so angry with me about the fact I apparently ruined his night of sleep. Then, when we do go to bed. He gets in first. And by the time, I get in... he is in the middle of the bed... with get this!... a pillow next to him as a make-shift barricade... just to make sure I don't get too close. I get into bed and then call the dogs from his side of the bed... to mine. But he stops me, "They're fine!" Me-"Are you sure? I just don't want them to bother you." Him-"Yes, I said they're fine." So, basically I am the only problem. I am the only one bothering him while he is trying to get his precious beauty sleep. Heaven forbid I should want to sleep next to the love of my life. You want your space asshole... you're gonna get it.

Creating My Crazy...

Am I creating my crazy?? It's an interesting question... one posed to me tonight by my friend, well not by my friend, but by a book she was reading. Essentially it said that mental illness comes from us not being able to handle things not being perfect, or always being happy in our lives; that mental illness was really the result of us complaining about our lives being so difficult for such a long period of time, that we don't realize that no one's life is perfect. Other people are just choosing not to bitch about it everyday, instead to pick up the pieces... do the best they can and move on. It is an incredibly interesting theory. One that really has me thinking about how much of my crazy I have created. Do I think I could probably make better decisions for myself at times?? Absolutely. But do I think that my mental health would be fine if I just accepted the fact that everyone has hard times... NO FUCKING WAY. The book talked about not denying... not running away.. not hiding from problems. Well, I've done that in my life. And I can tell you right now, I am not. I am facing all of my problems, all of my issues head on. I am fighting as hard as I can, everyday, to find inner peace, to believe in myself, to love myself, to have the feeling of control over my life I so badly need, to not take things too personally, to try and let things go... I AM FIGHTING. Do I have mental illness??? It's probably one of the hardest things to say... or admit to myself, but yes. But I'm not just taking it lying down. I'm not just popping a bunch of pills and calling it a day. No, everyday I get up with the goal of being a better person. Everyday I work on making myself whole, feeling good again. And everyday, I take a step in the direction of getting off my medication. I just know it's so much easier if you are not in the glass house to throw the stones. And while I know everyone's bottom line is wanting to help... you want to know what the best help is... LOVE AND SUPPORT. It truly is that simple. Now if only I knew the cure for crazy.......

My Mom

It's inevitable. As teenagers we never truly appreciate our parents, we treat them like shit and think we are the victims. Then we grow up. This was most definitely the case with my mom. When I look back now, I can not believe how rude and disrespectful I was to her. There were years when we couldn't have a conversation without it ending in yelling and door slamming. Now, I have no idea what I would do without her.
Last year, when I was hospitalized for 6 days, she hopped the first flight out to be with me. She stayed at my house and took care of my dogs, even letting them sleep with her despite the fact that she isn't what you would call a "dog lover". Not only did she take care of my dogs, but she took care of me. I don't know how I would have made it through without her.
And in the year since then, she has been an amazing outlet for me, always listening to my concerns, my craziness, the new problem that has popped up. She offers me advice, listens to me cry, assures me that I am going to get through this, tells me how strong I am, encourages me to keep fighting.
Sometimes, unfortunately, I think it takes these kind of life changing events for us to realize the amazing people we have in our lives. Today, I feel lucky to have a Mom who is an inspiration, a rock, a friend, an encourager, a healer, a constant support.
If I am ever a mom... I hope I can do as good a job for my child, as she has done for me.