Mood Swing Sally

So for real... I am crazy. I am having the worst mood swings ever. Mood swings that I can see happening but can not control. I know why I am irritated, and I do have a right to be irritated, but I do not have a right to act like I have been acting. I am acting like a child. It's ridiculous. The problem... even though I can see it happening, I can't stop it. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?? Imagine watching yourself act crazy, almost like you are a ghost floating outside of your body, knowing that you should stop yourself or change your behavior.. or at the very least... apologize, but still NOT being able to do it. All that does is make you more frustrated. It is a viscious cycle. I hate it... I wish more than anything I had control over my life, my feelings, my reactions. Here's the thing... I am on medications.. I have been working on my "mental state" for at least 9 months. I'm sick of still feeling out of control, I'm sick of stil feeling like something is wrong with me, I'm sick of being crazy. Perhaps it is my lot in life, and the sooner I accept it, the better off I will be. I just want to be better, to be able to have a conversation with my boyfriend without intentionally making him feel badly and then getting off the phone and 10 minutes later being like WTF???? I am the biggest bitch ever!!! I am a mood swing mess... I just hope that I can manage to get myself together before I lose the best thing I've ever had.

I Hate Crazy!

I hate being angry. I hate being irritated. I hate anxiety. But most of all, I hate that I can't control it... any of it. It is the most frustrating feeling ever! Have you ever felt your self getting irritated and irrational? Have you ever felt yourself teetering on the edge of the crazy mountain... realizing you were about to tumble over the side and still not being able to stop it? As if crazy, angry, over-the-top emotions weren't enough... now I can't even find a way to get it in check. It's enough to make a crazy person, crazier! I feel bad for the people that have to deal with me. Especially those who are closest to me, because, inevitably, I end up taking it out on them. And I can see myself doing it... but still I can't stop it. It's like I'm watching my crazy life on tv... I'm watching myself be a bitch to everyone around me. I'm watching me flip out about the littlest thing. I'm watching me get irritated over nothing. And as much as I want me to get it together... I just can't make me do it. I think having the ability to see myself clearly is way worse. You know those people who are annoying but have no idea? Those people who are obnoxious, but think everyone likes them? The people who think they are hilarious, but really they are offensive? Those people are lucky. At least they can continue living their life in their own little "I rock" bubble. I, on the other hand, don't have that luxury. I am well aware that I suck... and can be a real pain in the ass to be around. But even that isn't enough to make me stop. So in the end.. even I am irritated with me. I guess what it all boils down to... is I HATE BEING CRAZY!!!!