Over Me

SELFISH... It's certainly not a word anybody wants used to describe them. But that's exactly what my MOM said I was... SELFISH. "Don't worry," she said. "You come by it naturally." What? I don't want to be selfish. I certainly don't want people to think of me like that. She said when I get stressed and have a lot going on, I just get wrapped up in myself. And she told me I've had my "turn in the spotlight a lot lately". Do I really make everything about me? I know I get stressed and bitchy. But I feel like when I do act like that, I apologize to those I have hurt. And I feel like I certainly appreciate the hand-full of people I can really count on. When I'm talking to someone, even when I need to vent, or I'm stressed... I think I always try to take time to ask about them, thank them for being there for me. Maybe I don't... maybe I would just like to think I do. Either way, this selfish conversation really hit home for me. And one thing I know for sure... I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE CALLED SELFISH AGAIN. My mom said it's just who I am... well guess what?? I don't have to be that way... I can change. I think that is quite possibly one of the ugliest character flaws ever. And if I had it (which apparently I did)... I know can ditch it. Because you see... there is another "S" word to describe me... STUBBORN. I know what it is like to have selfish people around you, people who only care about themselves. I have never thought of myself as being that kind of person. And just because my life has been really fucking difficult these last couple of years... doesn't mean it's all about me. It doesn't mean that everyone should always be focused on me. I'm over me... and I'm sure everyone else in my life is too.

T-Minus 17 Hours To Invasion...

I am just 17 short (LONGEST HOURS OF MY LIFE) away from meeting my boyfriend. We are picking up his truck in L.A. and then driving home... together... to our home... where we will be living and no one will be leaving. I feel like I have been waiting for this day to come for so long. I am so excited and so nervous all at the same time. Not about my decision, or his decision. I just want him to be happy. I want to make him happy and I am so afraid that living with me, really being with me will pop this pretty little bubble he has of who I am. I know I haven't been anyone but myself with him. And I know that he knows more than anyone my struggles. I guess what my problem is... is that I can't quite understand why he loves me so much still. Why he still thinks I'm so amazing and wonderful and is willing to move 3000 miles away from everything he knows... for me... this crazy, unstable, bitchy girl. I love him even more for loving me like that. But I think I am just afraid that like every other man in my life (except my dad) he is going to disappoint. He is going to realize, I am just too much too handle, too difficult, too overwhelming... and bail. I feel like that is what they have all done. I feel like that is what people at work think about me... what some of my closest (or once closest friends) think about me... even perhaps what my therapist thinks about me. I am an overwhelming nut job!! Here's what I know... I love him more than I have ever loved any person. I need him in my life. I can't wait to share the rest of my life with him. And all I can do, is hope that he thinks my quirks... my craziness, my wackiness is as cute in person, as he has for all these months over the phone. He is my soul mate... I hope he knows it, feels it, wants it, just as badly as I do.