Over Me

SELFISH... It's certainly not a word anybody wants used to describe them. But that's exactly what my MOM said I was... SELFISH. "Don't worry," she said. "You come by it naturally." What? I don't want to be selfish. I certainly don't want people to think of me like that. She said when I get stressed and have a lot going on, I just get wrapped up in myself. And she told me I've had my "turn in the spotlight a lot lately". Do I really make everything about me? I know I get stressed and bitchy. But I feel like when I do act like that, I apologize to those I have hurt. And I feel like I certainly appreciate the hand-full of people I can really count on. When I'm talking to someone, even when I need to vent, or I'm stressed... I think I always try to take time to ask about them, thank them for being there for me. Maybe I don't... maybe I would just like to think I do. Either way, this selfish conversation really hit home for me. And one thing I know for sure... I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE CALLED SELFISH AGAIN. My mom said it's just who I am... well guess what?? I don't have to be that way... I can change. I think that is quite possibly one of the ugliest character flaws ever. And if I had it (which apparently I did)... I know can ditch it. Because you see... there is another "S" word to describe me... STUBBORN. I know what it is like to have selfish people around you, people who only care about themselves. I have never thought of myself as being that kind of person. And just because my life has been really fucking difficult these last couple of years... doesn't mean it's all about me. It doesn't mean that everyone should always be focused on me. I'm over me... and I'm sure everyone else in my life is too.

My Mom

It's inevitable. As teenagers we never truly appreciate our parents, we treat them like shit and think we are the victims. Then we grow up. This was most definitely the case with my mom. When I look back now, I can not believe how rude and disrespectful I was to her. There were years when we couldn't have a conversation without it ending in yelling and door slamming. Now, I have no idea what I would do without her.
Last year, when I was hospitalized for 6 days, she hopped the first flight out to be with me. She stayed at my house and took care of my dogs, even letting them sleep with her despite the fact that she isn't what you would call a "dog lover". Not only did she take care of my dogs, but she took care of me. I don't know how I would have made it through without her.
And in the year since then, she has been an amazing outlet for me, always listening to my concerns, my craziness, the new problem that has popped up. She offers me advice, listens to me cry, assures me that I am going to get through this, tells me how strong I am, encourages me to keep fighting.
Sometimes, unfortunately, I think it takes these kind of life changing events for us to realize the amazing people we have in our lives. Today, I feel lucky to have a Mom who is an inspiration, a rock, a friend, an encourager, a healer, a constant support.
If I am ever a mom... I hope I can do as good a job for my child, as she has done for me.