Are We Falling Apart??

Are we falling apart? My perfect man, my perfect love story, my forever... I have no idea what is happening to us right now and I have no idea how to fix it. But I feel like you are so unhappy, so unhappy with me, like I am making you miserable, this move has made you miserable. And the bottom line is, I have no idea how to make it better. I love you. I really do. My heart aches at the thought of losing you. But I don't know what to do to make you happy. And if you aren't happy with me now, I don't want you to stay with me just because you feel like you should. We aren't married, we don't have kids. There is no reason for us to get locked into a relationship if we both aren't happy. And if we aren't happy now, lord knows we aren't going to be happy 10 years from now. I have no idea how this happened. I thought for sure we would be able to survive anything. But here's the thing. I am doing my best right now. And it just doesn't seem to be enough for you. And if it's not enough, than I am just not enough. I don't know how many more times we can have this same fight. And the bottom line is, more than anything, all I want for you is to be happy. And if I can't make you happy, if you aren't happy here, you should go somewhere you will be. I say that through sobs and huge tears running down my face. It is not something I want to be saying. But I love you. And I want what is best for you. Maybe I'm too screwed up to be the "best".

Give Me Pain

Words so painful, each felt like a kick to the kidney.
A disappointment so strong I felt like I was getting my insides ripped out, slowly... working up to my already broken heart.
Feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin, I was literally trying to kick my way out.
Hurting so badly, yet having an overwhelming desire to feel physical pain... a feeling so strong I was scratching at my wrists... hoping for the sight of blood.
You are the one person in this world I love more than anyone else. And yet you, knowing exactly where I was and how I felt, decided to rip me to pieces.
"You are such a child"
"It is never your fault"
"It is always about you"
"I can never do anything to comfort you"
"Your problems are always more important"
"You are never happy"
"You are never there for me"
"You never ask about what's going on with me"

Kay, I get it. I suck. It feels awful to feel like a failure. But if feels even worse when the person you love most in this world is the one reinforcing that feeling.

The Other Woman

Tonight I found out about the other woman, the one my boyfriend turns to to give him everything I can not, or do not. She is apparently self-less and all-too understanding. Her world revolves around him. She is always there to listen, to comfort, to care, to be whatever he needs her to be. She never has any of her own problems that "get in the way". She never asks for anything in return. She never expects the same care and compassion from him. For her, he is everything. and that is what he needs. I, on the other hand, have way too many problems of my own. I am always trying to deal with my own issues and therefore am much too busy too pay proper attention to my boyfriend's needs. I am selfish and spoiled and "IT IS NEVER MY FAULT". I am nothing like her.
So who is this mystery woman... alcohol.

Boy Fight!!!

OMG... Who knew men had so much drama? Seriously... tonight, I basically mediated a fight between my boyfriend and his best friend here. Actually his wife and I tease them that they have a bro-mance. Well, tonight this bro-mance had their first bro-down. Basically... it was a gigantic misunderstanding, but here's the thing with guys... they are all about their ego and so... of course... nothing could be easy. I mean it was all over phone calls and text messages and assumptions. First we were never going to be friends again. Then, I was a traitor for even talking to them. And finally, some realization that perhaps everything had been blow out of proportion and when it came down to it, they both just loved each other!!! It took awhile for us to get there, but we did. It's just so funny... so much drama... FROM BOYS!!! So the next time your boyfriend tries to tell you that you and girlfriends are the ones always creating drama... I beg to differ!!!!!!

We got problems

You know when we got problems??? The minute you start lying to me. What do I look like? An idiot?? You know what my favorite part is though?? Finding the receipt, time-stamped at 4:30pm and getting a super excited call from you at 5:15pm about your new job prospect... so you promise me we're gonna have a great night, you aren't gonna be drunk. You actually said that, word for word. And then I get home and find a completely different you. And when I question you about it, what do you do? Throw a temper tantrum, like a spoiled little brat. Refuse to answer my questions, instead you stomp upstairs at 8:30pm and say you are going to bed.
More like passing out. Whatever. Fuck you. And fuck your lying too. You wanna know what the saddest part is, I'm not even that angry... not at all surprised. I'm just so fucking disappointed. But right now, I'm trying to figure out who I am disappointed in... you for lying to me or me for putting up with you. It won't last long... I promise you that. I'll figure it out soon. This numb feeling will wear off and I'm sure I'll start to feel the pain. And then, you better watch out.