I am so mad at you

I am so mad at you. I needed you so badly... and you weren't there. I left you a message, sobbing, pleading for you to call me and you didn't. Not that night, not the next day. You even texted me asking me to call you that night... and then when I did, not only did you not answer, but you didn't even call me back. I have never experienced what I experienced that night. I needed you.. and you couldn't be bothered to be there for me. I don't care why. I don't care what your excuse is, because I know it is not good enough. After all I have done for you, all the times I have been there for you, you couldn't be there for me when I needed you most. I'm so mad at you.

Shortie: Photo Radar Vandalism

So yesterday a photo radar camera van was vandalized, right by my crazy doctor's office. I happened to have an appointment that morning, and saw the van on my way there (oh I saw it, had to slam on my brakes). Now we all know how I feel about photo radar, but I just want to clear the record. I DID NOT DO IT. It didn't even ticket me. If I was going to vandalize any photo radar camera, it would be the one that popped me last Thursday... the one that I know is there, I was just fucking distracted, dammit!!! Once again, for the record, I DID NOTHING TO THAT CAMERA. I am however awaiting yet another photo radar ticket that I will magically not get (wink, wink).

Give it up?

Why should I have to give up something I love, just to be happy? Why should I have to change my life, my world, to keep my sanity? How is it that one person can poison it for everyone? Everyone keeps saying that I just need to let it go, let it roll off my back, not let it get to me. Don't you think I am trying to do that? But it is so much bigger than that. I am so angry. Angry at the ways things have changed. Angry that I am physically sick now. Angry that something that used to make me happy, I used to love to do, I now dread. Angry that all we do is focus on the negative. Angry I have anxiety and migraines the second I walk in the door. Angry that it is normal to snap at each other, take things out on each other, blame each other, throw each other under the bus. I am angry at what we have become, what I am a part of. I used to be proud, now I just try and get by. So what do I do? Let one person make me give up what I love or make myself happy? What is more important, my sanity and health on a daily basis or something I have always wanted to do and I am damn good at, even if no one recognizes it lately? What would you do??

Alone with my pain...

My life has come down to 2 options. Everyday I wake up and hope I will be able to pull off the first. Faking It. Faking it like everything is okay. Like I am happy with where I am and what is going on around me. The second option is to simply be a mess. Anxiety ridden, facing panic attacks, having migraine headaches, short-tempered, a super emotional fucking mess. For months I had the faking it thing down pat. I was the queen of the plastic smiles and the "sounds great". Then, I was knocked completely off my game. And now I am a mess. No matter how many pep talks I give myself, no matter how much medication I take, everyday I am just struggling to get by. And I feel like when I tell people what's going on, they are beyond over it. They are sick of my migraines, sick of me not feeling good, sick of me being an emotional wreck. Even my boyfriend, who is so supportive and loving and understanding, seems to be losing his patience. It feels like I'm burdening him by talking about it and like he just wants me to be over it already. And so here I am... alone with my pain. Alone with the anxiety and panic attacks that you can not possibly understand unless you have experienced. Alone with my migraines that blur my vision, make it impossible for me to think straight and make me feel like a complete idiot. Alone with my mood swings that could strike at any minute... sparing no one and then leaving me feeling like the biggest bitch ever.
And alone with the fact that despite my numerous trips to several different doctors over the past year and a half, my emotional issues are still NO WHERE NEAR UNDER CONTROL. Despite all my medications, I am still not in control of myself, my body or my mind. It is an incredibly helpless feeling. One I hope you will never feel. But if you do... I hope you will learn how to fake it with the best of them. Meanwhile... I just I hope I can somehow find my way out of the pain and back to the faking it. I just don't know how much longer I can take it before I break.

Can we take a vote???

You are the biggest asshole I know. I have NEVER met anyone quite as arrogant or disrespectful as you. How the hell do you expect people to look up to you, to respect you, when you treat them like shit on a daily basis. You are constantly belittling people. Does it make you feel better about yourself?? Do you feel like a bigger, more powerful person when you put other people down? When you remind us that "we are nothing", do you feel better? Do you know that yelling doesn't mean people will listen to you? Do you know that talking down to people doesn't encourage them to value your opinion? Do you know that prancing around like a peacock, causing huge problems and then offering no solutions doesn't make anyone look at you as a leader? And just because people seem to be nice to you, doesn't mean they like you. They are afraid of you, afraid you may fly off the handle if they don't laugh at your jokes, afraid to say the wrong thing and be publicly humiliated. Speaking of your public humiliation... if you think that motivates people, you couldn't be further from the truth. And if you think having us throw each other under the bus and create in-house fighting, is beneficial, you are so wrong. We are a team... we need to be a strong supportive team. We need to work together and depend on each other. It doesn't mean we don't hold each other accountable, but it goes back to the public humiliation thing. It serves no purpose, other than I suppose entertaining you. You say we should all be allowed to share our opinions, but if we do, you cut us off, talk over us, or simply tell us we are wrong. You constantly contradict yourself. You tell one person one thing... and another something completely different. If you think because people don't challenge you... you are respected... you are wrong. If you think because you have power you are trusted... you are wrong. If you think because people listen when you talk they believe what you say... you are wrong. Don't believe me... just look at your record. Look at how many people have left- by choice- since you came. I wish there were a chance that you would examine your ways and perhaps even think about changing... but I know better. I know you are WAY to arrogant for that. I know you think you are the best and there is nothing that could possibly change.
But can we take a vote??