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What is with your fucking attitude lately? What is with the sarcasm... the treating me like shit? What is with the snapping at me... the short temper? And why the fuck must it be now? Now, when you know I am in hell. Now, when you know I am extremely sensitive. Now, when you know I feel like no one is on my side. Now, when all I need from you is to be there for me. What the fuck is going on with you? I don't understand. I really don't understand how you would decide to act like this at the time I need you most. Especially after all I have done for you. When you were down and needed help, I was there for you. When you were looking for jobs, I did the leg work, happily. When you were miserable at your job... I supported you, even when you were taking it out on me... treating me like shit. And now that you are happy, I couldn't be happier for you. So why the fuck can't I get some of the same compassion, love, understanding, support. You are supposed to be my best friend, my rock, the person I turn to in any and all situations. Lately it feels like I have to walk on egg shells around you. I'm fucking sick of it.
Let's take last night for example: I walk in the door to a barrage of anger... all about how you didn't sleep good last night because you were sleeping on your arm. "Why were you sleeping on your arm.", I ask sweetly. Him-"Well, you try to sleep on 8 inches of bed... with one dog here and one dog here (picture a re-enactment here) and you here and 4 feet of bed on the other side of you." Me-"Honey, if the dogs are in your way, just move them over. If I am crowding you, just gently move me over." Him-"Oh like that's gonna work. I know how crabby you are when you wake up." Me-"Yes, but you also know what a heavy sleeper I am. Once I'm out, I won't even notice if you move me." This goes on and on for a good 20 minutes. I blow up. I've just got home from a long day, does he really need to interrogate me right now? We don't talk for about a half hour, then it starts again. Him-"I'm a right handed sleeper and I sleep on the left side of the bed... When I roll over, I'm on the end of the bed." Me-"Babe, why don't you just start in the middle of the bed then." Him-"Fine, that's what I'll do." It's finally settled but we basically don't speak for the rest of the night, he is so angry with me about the fact I apparently ruined his night of sleep. Then, when we do go to bed. He gets in first. And by the time, I get in... he is in the middle of the bed... with get this!... a pillow next to him as a make-shift barricade... just to make sure I don't get too close. I get into bed and then call the dogs from his side of the bed... to mine. But he stops me, "They're fine!" Me-"Are you sure? I just don't want them to bother you." Him-"Yes, I said they're fine." So, basically I am the only problem. I am the only one bothering him while he is trying to get his precious beauty sleep. Heaven forbid I should want to sleep next to the love of my life. You want your space asshole... you're gonna get it.

Standing a chance....

Do you know who you can trust? Do you know who really has your back? Do you know who is really on your side? Do you know who will still be there for you when the chips are down?? Do you know who will stand up for you when the "really important" people have turned their backs? I used to think I knew. I used to be sure who was going to be there for me... who would always have my back. But I have since learned, I was totally wrong on a lot of fronts. Now, the people I can trust are few and far between. The people I can count on... I can count on one hand. The people I consider true friends, the ones I believe probably didn't sell me out the first chance they had, are far out-weighed by those that did. It's sad but true. It's something that I am trying to come to terms with. Something that I am trying to understand. It's a dog-eat-dog world and friendships just don't stand a chance.

2 years of hell

That's what my life has been... 2 years of hell. (Insert you little violin, playing a little song just for me, but this is my blog and I'm still going to bitch if you don't like it... stop reading now! Keep reading, maybe you might relate!) It all started in April of 2007 when I fell down the stairs drunk in a pair of too tall heels. Who knew a simple little ankle injury would fuck up my life. A month and several misdiagnosis later, I was in the hospital with a blood clot the size of Texas in my leg (stop me if you've heard this one!) and two small clots (thank god they were small) in my right lung (we nicknamed them Bert & Ernie). After 6 days in the hospital, a few days on complete bedrest I was ready to go home... to my brand new life with a clotting disorder. No more birth control, no more smoking, coumadin for at least 6 months, and no drinking. HELL!! Take away the birth control, and I get SEVERE PMS... AND HORRENDOUS CRAMPS. Then came the mental effects of nearly dying. Severe anxiety attacks... depression... a psychiatrist diagnosed me with mild depression, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder and panic disorder. That came with a couple of medications to control my panic attacks and mood swings and such. Of course, it took time to find the ones that actually worked for me. And then came the migraines. Headaches like I have never expierenced before... usually around the same time I would get severe PMS. Sometimes so badly I couldn't see straight. As the months went on, they came more and more frequently. And then... just when I thought I was getting my mental health in order... I fell down some stairs (yes, I know, AGAIN) while in Hawaii on vacation with my boyfriend. This time, I couldn't just bruise a bone... I really went all the way. I got myself a spiral fracture of both bones in my ankle... basically I broke it in 3 places requiring surgery... a plate... 6 screws and 2 pins to repair it. It also meant that I had to be completely off my ankle for the next 6 weeks... then in a walking cast for 5 weeks. You should have seen me scooting up and down my stairs on my butt for weeks on end. It was by far the worst pain I have ever endured.. and the biggest pain in the ass. You just don't realize how much you need a leg until it is taken away! So now that that's taken care of... let's get back to those pesky migraines that still have not gone away... and did I mention are just getting more and more frequent. I saw doctor after doctor... who put me on migraine medicine after migraine medicine... all without success. I saw a neurologist who sent me for an MRI which showed nothing... and then he put me on yet another migraine medicine which of course didn't work. So when I finally got a migraine for 6 weeks straight... I decided to take some drastic steps. I went to this center where they do injections to treat chronic pain... actual shots into your head, neck, shoulders, back. They are a sort of anti-inflamatory that when injected works to soothe nerves and muscles. Also I started going to a chiropractor, who x-rayed my back and showed me how messed up it really was... requiring treatments 3x a week. So while I am trying to make myself healthier... I get yet another setback... this time from work. All of this is 1 year and 10 months. And that's just the health stuff....
Let us not forget about my several car troubles costing a couple thousand dollars... one time leaving me stranded on the side of the freeway... an accident on Thanksgiving that was ruled my fault and resulted in a nice ticket for me... my several photo radar tickets...
And of course, my always tight financial situation, due mostly to my never ending medical bills.
I now see a therapist about once every 2 weeks.
A chiropractor 3 times a week.
My pain injection doctor once every 2 weeks.
My pychiatrist once every 6-8 weeks.
All in an effort to get control of my health, my life.
But it just seems like everytime I get a handle on one thing, something else pops up... everytime it seems like my life is finally getting on the right track.. heading out of hell, someone or something derails me.

JUST STOP

STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.
STOP TELLING ME THAT WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER OPENS.
STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.
STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.
STOP TELLING ME THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.
STOP TELLING ME THAT SOMEDAY I AM GOING TO LOOK BACK ON THIS AND REALIZE IT IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME.
JUST STOP...
I know you all are just trying to help... but it is not working. I am mad... sad... hurt. I feel disrespected, unappreciated, misunderstood. I am angry... ashamed... depressed. I can't eat... can't sleep... can't stop thinking about it. A huge part of my world... a part that I worked so hard for, that I was so committed to, that I was so proud of, that I was passionate about, that I loved... has been crushed... and a part of my heart has been crushed with it. Maybe someday I will be able to feel like you all want me to feel now, maybe someday I will be able to look back on this and see the good.. but for now... all I see and feel is pain. For now, I know that someday is nowhere near. Most days, I have to drag myself out of bed and plaster on a plastic smile just to make it through. Most days I have to give myself a pep talk every hour just so I won't cry. Most days I have to remind myself that I am a good person and that I am good at what I do. And maybe someday, I will once again be surrounded by people who feel the same.

Check ya later 2009

Buh-bye 2009... I am so not sorry to see you go. You were horrible and rotten and nothing but awful to me. I had nothing but great hopes for you... and then... not 20 days into the year, I was in the hospital, yet again. This time with a broken ankle. But not just any broken ankle. Because I can't do anything half-ass... I broke it in a spiral fracture, in 3 places, requiring surgery, a plate, 6 screws and two pins to piece it all back together. The pain was a kind I can not even describe, but that was just the beginning. I could not walk on it... AT ALL for the next 6 weeks. I got myself a nice little scooter instead of using those stupid crutches. But at home... I was sitting on my butt, scooting up and down my stairs. It was seriously one of the most trying times in my life. Somehow I made it through. But that was not nearly the end. As soon as my physical injury started to heal, I had to deal with my mental issues. I tried to do it on my own, but it was obvious that I needed more help. I went to a psychiatrist who did this whole big questionaire on me and then diagnosed me with mild depression, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and PMDD (which is basically just really bad PMS). So I'm slightly crazy. I started a new medication, one which, believe it or not, actually is used to treat all of those conditons (now keep in mind most people don't have all of them, but then again, I am not most people!!!). I also got on a stronger anxiety medication. I began seeing a therapist to work through the issues I am having, my stress.. etc. Just as I began to get that aspect of my life under control... my migraines spiraled out of control. I have had migraines for about a year, but now my doctor had retired... and I was going to a new doctor who wouldn't give me the medicine that I had been taking, instead insisted on giving me one migraine medication to try after another, none of them being successful. I ended up having migraines everyday... I woke up in the morning with one.. and went to bed with it at night. Finally they sent me to get a CAT scan, just to make sure everything was okay. The CAT scan showed nothing... and the neurologist wanted to do the same thing as the other doctor... just shove more migraine medication (which have I mentioned DO NOT WORK!!!) at me. You can only be in pain for so long before you literally feel like you are going crazy. When I reached a month and a half... I didn't know if I was going to make it any longer. I was desperate for relief. Enter December...when I turned to some alternative treatments. It started with a chiropractor... since my back and neck had become a huge problem. A side effect of the constant headaches or a cause of the headaches?? Maybe a little bit of both. Then, I turned to the Pain Center. A place where they put injections into all areas, pressure points, to ease the inflamation that causes pain. I have just really started but already I am seeing results. And I am feeling good heading into 2010.
But all of this getting better is quite pricey... I have doctor bills on top of doctor bills. While feeling "normal" again is my number one goal, it comes at a price.... one that has nearly bankrupt me, stresses me out, has forced me to give up all luxeries like getting my haircut, pedicures, going out to dinner. But it is the number one priority in my life right now.
If only it was just my health... There also was my photo radar tickets... I got my fair share... I managed to avoid most of them... but I got popped right at the end for two... at the lovely price of $440.
There was that time I ran out of gas on the freeway, and then when we filled my car up with gas.. it wouldn't start. That was a nice $1000 mechanic bill.
Oh.. and then there was that lovely little accident I had on Thanksgiving night. I must say, I wasn't too thankful for that. Not only did it freak me out, probably screw my back and neck up even more and dent my little Mildred May, but it also landed me a $155 ticket for "failure to control my vehicle".
So as I said... 2009... with your medical nightmares... your endless doctors bills... your car trouble... photo radar tickets... and accidents... FUCK OFF!!