I WILL DO ANYTHING!

BITCH... That's probably the only word to describe me right now. I am so sensitive... so angry... so fragile. I am so fed up with being in pain... so fed up with the fact that I can not get help... so fed up with doctors. Doctor... when you think of a doctor... you think of help... life-saving... relief... hero. I have yet to find my Superman (or woman). I know first hand that you need to be an advocate for yourself. I know that I need to push when it comes to my medical care to get what I need. But it doesn't seem to matter what I do... where I go... I can not seem to make anyone understand. I have seen some of the "supposed best" doctors in town. And yet here I am... still in excruciating pain... still self-medicating, self-loathing, self-destructing. For two years now, I have been dealing with this shit. And for two years now, it has been getting worse, not better. I don't know what is going on with me... but I know something must be really wrong. I know that at 29 years of age... I should not be in constant... debilitating pain. I know that I am not making it up. I know what I feel. But for some reason.. I can not get anyone else to listen, to believe me. Do you have any idea what it is like to be in constant pain? To spend your life faking it... pretending like you are okay, when inside you are really dying?? Do you know what it is like to not have the support and care that you need, that you deserve?? If I had just sat around for two years... hoping that it would get better, I would have no one to blame but myself. But that is not at all what I have been doing. I have seen more doctors in these past two years than most people see in a lifetime. And still I sit here... IN PAIN. I can't sleep... can't focus... can't function... can't accomplish... can't be nice. I spend all my energy just getting through the day... and then when I get home.. I take it out on the ONE person who really loves me. The one person who is always there for me. I don't know what is wrong with me. I really feel like I am going crazy. I honestly do not believe you can be in this much pain.. and still be sane. I just want to be normal... I want to be happy... I want to feel good... I want to feel in control of my health and my life. I want a doctor... one doctor... to understand... to believe me... to feel my pain.. to take action... to want to fix me as much as I want to fix myself. I can't do this much longer. It has been two years... TWO FUCKING YEARS... I am tired. Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of getting my hopes up, tired of faking it, tired of being a bitch, just plain TIRED! I honestly don't know what to do... but I do know, something has to give. I can't live like this anymore. It is ruining my self-esteem, my job, my friendships and most importantly... it is ruining my relationship- The one thing that means the very most to me in life. I can not live without my boyfriend. I literally would be lost without him. He is the only thing that has made me make it this far. And the one person who makes me believe there may be a light at the end of this fucked-up tunnel. I WANT HELP... I DESERVE HELP... I NEED HELP. Life is not supposed to be this painful... what the fuck do I have to do to get some relief??? I WILL DO ANYTHING!!!!!

Unraisable

Unraisable... This week I got some very disturbing news. After a 2 year salary freeze... everyone got a raise in their last paycheck... everyone but me that is. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. As we have discussed before, I know that I am disliked by people with power at work. But still, I come to work and I work hard. And I'm pretty sure I have handled the shit that was thrown my way pretty well. I don't complain... I just work. Still I feel like these people in power can't seem to look past whatever the fuck it is they hate about me, to see just how much I do. What makes me even more angry is that they haven't even been in power for the last 2 years... 2 years when I didn't get the opportunity to get a raise, but I'm sure other people would have agreed I definitely deserved one. Years when I was considered good at my job... and people respected me. It makes me feel like shit... once again. It makes me so angry. I don't know what more I can do. I feel like I have already swallowed my pride... sucked it up... done everything that is asked of me... with a good attitude... even when there was awful, unfair shit happening to me. I seriously have no idea how someone could look at me... my work... my work ethic.. and decide that I am unraisable. But that's excatly what they did. How do I work for people who can't see who I really am... and what I do? It's just so hard to face that fact that some people see you only as... unraisable.

Over Me

SELFISH... It's certainly not a word anybody wants used to describe them. But that's exactly what my MOM said I was... SELFISH. "Don't worry," she said. "You come by it naturally." What? I don't want to be selfish. I certainly don't want people to think of me like that. She said when I get stressed and have a lot going on, I just get wrapped up in myself. And she told me I've had my "turn in the spotlight a lot lately". Do I really make everything about me? I know I get stressed and bitchy. But I feel like when I do act like that, I apologize to those I have hurt. And I feel like I certainly appreciate the hand-full of people I can really count on. When I'm talking to someone, even when I need to vent, or I'm stressed... I think I always try to take time to ask about them, thank them for being there for me. Maybe I don't... maybe I would just like to think I do. Either way, this selfish conversation really hit home for me. And one thing I know for sure... I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE CALLED SELFISH AGAIN. My mom said it's just who I am... well guess what?? I don't have to be that way... I can change. I think that is quite possibly one of the ugliest character flaws ever. And if I had it (which apparently I did)... I know can ditch it. Because you see... there is another "S" word to describe me... STUBBORN. I know what it is like to have selfish people around you, people who only care about themselves. I have never thought of myself as being that kind of person. And just because my life has been really fucking difficult these last couple of years... doesn't mean it's all about me. It doesn't mean that everyone should always be focused on me. I'm over me... and I'm sure everyone else in my life is too.

Going Through Hell

Sometimes our lives our hell. Sometimes we go through hell for the people we love. That's exactly what I did today. It may have been my extreme PMS... or the fact that I just got injections into my spine and head. Perhaps it was the five bulging discs in my neck... the constant headache... the fact that my neck felt like it was in a brace... my shoulder, back and colar bone pain. Maybe it was a little bit of everything. But despite my off-the-charts pain... my pain was meaningless compared to what my boyfriend was doing today. It was a big day for him. So I did my best to put on a happy face. Unfortunately, my best kind of sucked. And I spent most of the day hiding... and crying... and feeling like shit. I sucked it up for dinner. And tried not to be hurt by the fact that my boyfriend had other priorities today. But I still felt very alone... alone in my pain. And then as I was sitting here I realized something. What a selfish bitch I am. Am I really going to be mad at my boyfriend because he didn't have time to personally come and check on me? Am I really going to hold a grudge because I braved one of the worst and most uncomfortable days of my life... so he could make a good impression? My boyfriend is the one person who I can honestly say I believe would give anything to take away my pain. He has and always does put me first... especially when I am in pain. And when you are in love with someone... you make sacrifices. Today... I went through hell for the love of my life. And I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Guilt Pains

So the other day I'm talking to my mom and my job comes up and we are talking about how things are going in my "new position" with my "new schedule" and she says, "Well you must have less stress." To which I reply, "Yes, I do." Mom- "So, then you must be feeling better." Me- "What do you mean?" Mom- "I mean your health, migraines and anxiety attacks." Me- "Umm...NO! Actually my migraines are getting worse right now, more frequent than they have been. I think I need to go back to the pain center." Mom- "Oh."
So when I came home tonight with a migraine feeling like absolute shit... it got me thinking... thinking about this conversation I had had with a co-worker (a pretty powerful co-worker) who said to me... "maybe this is for the best"... and "now you will have less stress and feel better". I know that there was more than just one person behind my fall from grace. But if these people think that they were doing me any favors.. if they sleep better at night because they believe that they actually helped me... they can bite me. My health has not improved because of their little career plan for me... which by the way I was not consulted about. I would just hate for anyone to be getting a good night's sleep while I still can't. Guess you'll have to come up with another excuse to ease the guilt pains.