Creating My Crazy...

Am I creating my crazy?? It's an interesting question... one posed to me tonight by my friend, well not by my friend, but by a book she was reading. Essentially it said that mental illness comes from us not being able to handle things not being perfect, or always being happy in our lives; that mental illness was really the result of us complaining about our lives being so difficult for such a long period of time, that we don't realize that no one's life is perfect. Other people are just choosing not to bitch about it everyday, instead to pick up the pieces... do the best they can and move on. It is an incredibly interesting theory. One that really has me thinking about how much of my crazy I have created. Do I think I could probably make better decisions for myself at times?? Absolutely. But do I think that my mental health would be fine if I just accepted the fact that everyone has hard times... NO FUCKING WAY. The book talked about not denying... not running away.. not hiding from problems. Well, I've done that in my life. And I can tell you right now, I am not. I am facing all of my problems, all of my issues head on. I am fighting as hard as I can, everyday, to find inner peace, to believe in myself, to love myself, to have the feeling of control over my life I so badly need, to not take things too personally, to try and let things go... I AM FIGHTING. Do I have mental illness??? It's probably one of the hardest things to say... or admit to myself, but yes. But I'm not just taking it lying down. I'm not just popping a bunch of pills and calling it a day. No, everyday I get up with the goal of being a better person. Everyday I work on making myself whole, feeling good again. And everyday, I take a step in the direction of getting off my medication. I just know it's so much easier if you are not in the glass house to throw the stones. And while I know everyone's bottom line is wanting to help... you want to know what the best help is... LOVE AND SUPPORT. It truly is that simple. Now if only I knew the cure for crazy.......

T-Minus 17 Hours To Invasion...

I am just 17 short (LONGEST HOURS OF MY LIFE) away from meeting my boyfriend. We are picking up his truck in L.A. and then driving home... together... to our home... where we will be living and no one will be leaving. I feel like I have been waiting for this day to come for so long. I am so excited and so nervous all at the same time. Not about my decision, or his decision. I just want him to be happy. I want to make him happy and I am so afraid that living with me, really being with me will pop this pretty little bubble he has of who I am. I know I haven't been anyone but myself with him. And I know that he knows more than anyone my struggles. I guess what my problem is... is that I can't quite understand why he loves me so much still. Why he still thinks I'm so amazing and wonderful and is willing to move 3000 miles away from everything he knows... for me... this crazy, unstable, bitchy girl. I love him even more for loving me like that. But I think I am just afraid that like every other man in my life (except my dad) he is going to disappoint. He is going to realize, I am just too much too handle, too difficult, too overwhelming... and bail. I feel like that is what they have all done. I feel like that is what people at work think about me... what some of my closest (or once closest friends) think about me... even perhaps what my therapist thinks about me. I am an overwhelming nut job!! Here's what I know... I love him more than I have ever loved any person. I need him in my life. I can't wait to share the rest of my life with him. And all I can do, is hope that he thinks my quirks... my craziness, my wackiness is as cute in person, as he has for all these months over the phone. He is my soul mate... I hope he knows it, feels it, wants it, just as badly as I do.

Mood Swing Sally

So for real... I am crazy. I am having the worst mood swings ever. Mood swings that I can see happening but can not control. I know why I am irritated, and I do have a right to be irritated, but I do not have a right to act like I have been acting. I am acting like a child. It's ridiculous. The problem... even though I can see it happening, I can't stop it. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?? Imagine watching yourself act crazy, almost like you are a ghost floating outside of your body, knowing that you should stop yourself or change your behavior.. or at the very least... apologize, but still NOT being able to do it. All that does is make you more frustrated. It is a viscious cycle. I hate it... I wish more than anything I had control over my life, my feelings, my reactions. Here's the thing... I am on medications.. I have been working on my "mental state" for at least 9 months. I'm sick of still feeling out of control, I'm sick of stil feeling like something is wrong with me, I'm sick of being crazy. Perhaps it is my lot in life, and the sooner I accept it, the better off I will be. I just want to be better, to be able to have a conversation with my boyfriend without intentionally making him feel badly and then getting off the phone and 10 minutes later being like WTF???? I am the biggest bitch ever!!! I am a mood swing mess... I just hope that I can manage to get myself together before I lose the best thing I've ever had.

T-minus 8 days to invasion

I'm being invaded... by a boy!!! In 8 days my long distance love will be up close and personal. He's moving 3,000 miles... and moving in. I'm super excited, in fact I can't wait for it to happen. I am counting down the days/hours/minutes. But everyone I tell has the same reaction. It goes a little something like this:
(scrunch your face)
"Have you ever lived with a boyfriend before?"
Me- "No"
"(Deep inhale through the mouth) Oh"

Am I missing something here?? Listen... I don't expect it to be smooth sailing. I don't expect that we aren't going to get into fights sometimes and get on each others nerves and that there aren't going to be some kinks in the road that we are going to have to work out, but here's what I think everyone else is missing. This isn't just some guy that lives 2 miles away that I have now decided to move in with. This is a guy that I have be in a committed very serious, very long distance relationship for a year now. Something neither of us would have EVER done unless it just had to be done. I think we've certainly already had more bumps in the road that most relationships. We've never really had that "honeymoon period". Ours last for 4 days or 1 week or maybe if we are lucky 2... but in the end, we both know that one of us is about to leave the other... and go a LONG way away!!! Call me crazy... call me naive. But I just really feel like this is right. And the next person that asks me if I have ever lived with a boyfriend before... and then gives me that "poor pathetic you, you have know idea what you're in for, your relationship is doomed face" is really going to get it. Just giving you all fair warning.

Almost Lovers

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

My sister gave me this CD and on it was this song... It's called "Almost Lovers" by A Fine Frenzy. The first time I heard it, I was drawn to it. I didn't know why. I am in a great relationship. I have an amazing lover. I had no idea why I kept wanting to hear this "Almost Lovers" song. Then today it hit me... I have an almost lover. I think we all have at least one almost lover. It doesn't diminish the relationship we have now, or make it any less special. It doesn't mean we are in the wrong relationship, it is just a significant person in our past that will always have a special place. I actually think it's those past relationships that shape our present one. They teach us about how we want to be in relationships, what is important to us, what we will put up with and what is absolutely unacceptable to us. They are the reasons for all our insecurities and our requirements for a partner. I think understanding our past relationships are vital to having a healthy present one. I have no regrets from my past relationships, in fact if anything, I feel bad for the guys... I mean.. look what they missed out on!!!

Belly Laugh- Apply Here

We all need a laugh... I suggest you get yours at the new movie "The Hangover". Seriously THE FUNNIEST MOVIE I HAVE SEEN POSSIBLY... NO FOR REAL... EVER!!! I laughed from beginning to end. So hard my belly hurt. And I had already heard how funny this movie was, so I already had high expectations, meaning I went in, expecting to be slightly disappointed. Instead, I was blow out of the water... seriously... laughing... so hard... my stomach hurt. Any way.. point is... everyone.. especially right now in our lives... needs a good laugh... a good time... a good release. Go see "The Hangover"... Laugh your ass off...

Letting go...

I am learning to let go... to let go of the negativity, the anger, the resentment, the hurt. I have realized that all of these bad feelings are only weighing me down. They are not affecting the people that I feel them toward. So, I am left to carry this bad energy. It's sucking the life out of me. I have way too much going on to carry one more thing around with me. I can't do it. Why should I do it? What good is it doing me? Nothing is coming of it. The only person feeling bad in this situation, is me. So I need to let go. That doesn't mean I need to forget what I know and protect myself in the future. But it does mean, I need to let go of the past. Like the old saying goes "to forgive, but not to forget". The only difference here is usually forgiveness is proceeded by an apology, but that unfortunately just isn't going to happen because of the situation that I am in, and so that is just another part that I am going to have to let go of. This is a huge test for me, because closure is kind of my thing. But in this case, I'm afraid closure is just not possible and what I have realized is holding on to this is destroying me. So everyday I am going to wake up.. take a big deep breath... and tell myself I am letting it all go. Maybe one day I will wake up and it will actually be gone.

Daddy

The first man to ever hold my hand.
The first man to kiss me goodnight.
The first man to soothe me to sleep.
The first man to ever make me feel safe.

The first man to encourage my dreams.
The first man to make me realize how special I am.
The first man to tell me to settle for nothing less than success.
The first man to believe I was more than a housewife.

The first man to tell me I was beautiful.
The first man to instill in me a sense of self worth.
The first man to make me understand what I deserved from the people in my life.
The first man to pick me up and dust me off when I was let down.

The first man to wipe away my tears.
The first man to tell me it was going to be alright and really make me believe it.
The first man who could make me feel better without saying a word.
The only man who has yet to break my heart.

My dad...
My friend...
My confidante...
The man I've always admired, looked up to and felt lucky to have.

Poison in the room

Did you know it only takes one drop to poison your food, one seed to poison a garden, one person to poison an entire room??
One person to poison an entire group of people, to take good people and make them do things they would never normally do, act like they would never normally act, treat each other like they would not think about treating each other before.
It's amazing the power one person can have over many. The worst part... the "one" is the cause of all the problems. But because of the "one's" perceived power, everyone else would rather turn on each other, than stand together. People that have been friends, respected each other, been there for each other for years... are now instead backing down, saying nothing, or worse yet, actually throwing someone else under the bus. It's quite possibly one of the most despicible things I have seen... at least since junior high. I don't respect it... I don't believe it in.. I don't want anything to do with it. If only it were that simple...

My best friend....

My best friend... for a long time.... it was cigarettes. The tempting nicottine that was always there for me. It was a friend I could always count on, a friend that never betrayed me and always had my back. That is until he tried to kill me. Then I had to drop him... in a hurry. Now, it seems, I have found a new best friend, the only one I can really count on in my life right now, the one who is there for me when I need him, the only one who doesn't have his own "shit" or "plans" or "alterior motives"... it's alcohol. I know I have high standards, but are they so high that only addictive behaviors will do?? I know I'm not always the easiest person to deal with, but is this what my life has become?? I know I'm not an alcoholic.. I don't eat, breathe and sleep alcohol. I don't have to have it every day, but I am depending more and more on it. It has become more and more important to me as a tool to get by, my best friend that I rely on to get through the end of today and face tomorrow. I wish more than anything I had a person that I could really rely on, that could take this evil place. And I hope that is my future very soon.... until then... cheers.

Asshole Horn Blowers

In the last three days, I have managed to be honked at 3 times, all of them by ASSHOLE DRIVERS. Now let me get one thing straight. I have nothing against the horn. If you aren't paying attention at the light, I'll honk at you. If you try to move into my lane without seeing me, I'll honk at you. Those my friends are appropriate uses of the horn... THESE ARE NOT!!!!
1. I was going to get onto the freeway and it was a metered ramp. There was no one in front of me, but still there is a light, so I stopped, waiting for the green. Just then the asshole behind me honks at me. WTF? Listen, I am all about driving fast, but not about running red lights. Chill out mother f-er.
2. I was driving my friend home and we had both my dogs in the car and somehow Joey had managed to sneak onto my lap (totally not allowed). We were stopped at a red light, and I was trying to get some crap out of poor Oscar's eye. The light turns green and I start to go but apparently not fast enough for the asshole behind me who honks and then whips into the turn lane next to me to turn a milisecond before I did.
3. I was leaving my friend's house, trying to turn out onto a very busy road without a middle turn lane to ease the situation. It happened to be a heavy traffic time and it seemed like every time there were no cars coming from my left, there were cars coming from my right. You can't just turn when half the traffic is open because there is literally no place to go, but this asshole in a huge moving truck decides that I am not moving fast enough and honks at me. Really?? Where do you want me to go with traffic coming from all directions.
There should be a new law against blatant mis-use of the horn. Pay attention people. I know you are in a hurry, so am I. I know you would like to get going, so would I. But I am not God. I can not make red lights, green. And I am not about to endanger myself... or my dogs for your stupid ass... so chill the fuck out... and lay off the horns. I'll tell you when you have a right to use them... and it is never when it is directed at me!!!!!!

A Million Little Pieces

I'm not really sure how I got here, but I know it's a place I certainly thought I would never be. I have always loved my job. I love what I do, the fast pace of it, the way things are constantly changing, even the pressure. But more than that, I loved the people that I worked with. They were more than co-workers, they were friends. And now, things are completely different. I don't know who to trust, don't know who is on my side, but worst off, I feel incredibly alone. Ever been in a room full of people and just felt like you were standing in the middle of the Sahara Desert? I miss the way things used to be, the way we used to treat each other, the way we used to care about each other. I miss my friends. I always told people how lucky I was to have a job that I loved. But what I have realized is maybe it's more important to have co-workers that you love. They are the ones that help you get through the day, good or bad... have your back and always understand what you are going through. I'm so confused... and so sad... sad that my wonderful work world that I totally took for granted has been shattered into a million little pieces, pieces I'm not quite sure will ever come back together again.