Showing posts with label mood swings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mood swings. Show all posts
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Mood Swing Sally
So for real... I am crazy. I am having the worst mood swings ever. Mood swings that I can see happening but can not control. I know why I am irritated, and I do have a right to be irritated, but I do not have a right to act like I have been acting. I am acting like a child. It's ridiculous. The problem... even though I can see it happening, I can't stop it. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?? Imagine watching yourself act crazy, almost like you are a ghost floating outside of your body, knowing that you should stop yourself or change your behavior.. or at the very least... apologize, but still NOT being able to do it. All that does is make you more frustrated. It is a viscious cycle. I hate it... I wish more than anything I had control over my life, my feelings, my reactions. Here's the thing... I am on medications.. I have been working on my "mental state" for at least 9 months. I'm sick of still feeling out of control, I'm sick of stil feeling like something is wrong with me, I'm sick of being crazy. Perhaps it is my lot in life, and the sooner I accept it, the better off I will be. I just want to be better, to be able to have a conversation with my boyfriend without intentionally making him feel badly and then getting off the phone and 10 minutes later being like WTF???? I am the biggest bitch ever!!! I am a mood swing mess... I just hope that I can manage to get myself together before I lose the best thing I've ever had.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
You don't know!!!!
So, I totally feel like a bitch saying this... perhaps that is why I am saying it here. I could never say it out loud to anyone, but I have thought it so many times in the last five months... that if I don't say it somewhere, I am going to explode.
With that said... here goes.
Don't tell me you know how I feel. Don't tell me you know what I'm going through. Don't tell me you understand. There is no possible way you do. You have never had to realize that you spent four weeks, as a walking time bomb, one that could go off, taking your life at any minute. You have never had smoking, drinking and your sanity taken away in one swift move. You've never been poked every four hours for 6 days. And you've never had to face the fact that decisions you made... nearly cost you your life. You've never been told you have a mutation... a defect that will put you at risk for the rest of your life... and could cause you pregnancy problems. You have never made it through all that... only to learn that was just the beginning. The battle was not nearly over. Now... perhaps in part to the near-death experience and the fact that everything in your life is completely out of control, you have anxiety. Daily anxiety attacks that many times you can not control. A lack of control that makes you feel even more crazy that you already are... thus causing more anxiety... and the vicious cycle begins once again. You have never been there... you don't know. You don't know what it is like to be prescribed medication that is supposed to "solve your emotional problems", get your hopes up that you may be closer to normal again, and then get no results. You don't know what it is like to be taken off birth control (which did I mention you can never have again)... and be crazy for half of every month. Wild mood swings... migrane headaches... killer cramps... crazy. You don't know what it is like to be told there is really nothing that can be done for you, short of removing all your reproductive organs. You have no idea what it is like to face the fact that it may be nearly impossible for you to get pregnant... but at the same time, if you don't want to get pregnant you will forever have to use a condom. You don't know what it is like to have to carry five pill bottles with you at all times "just in case". You don't spend your life "pretending"... like you are happy, better, satisfied. You just don't know. I realize you may know what it is like to face one of these issues... or maybe even a couple during your life, but not all of them... at once. The bottom line is this... I appreciate the love and support. I appreciate people trying to help. I appreciate people trying to understand. But you could not possibly know what I am going through. You may think that all I am doing here is whinning, that I don't realize that everyone goes through tough times, that there are people who are way worse off than me, that it could have been much worse. That is again where you are wrong. I get that I am lucky I am still alive. That's part of what makes this all the more difficult. Because I made it, but I am still suffering. Because I should be happy, but instead much of the time I am miserable. You may think you know... but you have no idea.
With that said... here goes.
Don't tell me you know how I feel. Don't tell me you know what I'm going through. Don't tell me you understand. There is no possible way you do. You have never had to realize that you spent four weeks, as a walking time bomb, one that could go off, taking your life at any minute. You have never had smoking, drinking and your sanity taken away in one swift move. You've never been poked every four hours for 6 days. And you've never had to face the fact that decisions you made... nearly cost you your life. You've never been told you have a mutation... a defect that will put you at risk for the rest of your life... and could cause you pregnancy problems. You have never made it through all that... only to learn that was just the beginning. The battle was not nearly over. Now... perhaps in part to the near-death experience and the fact that everything in your life is completely out of control, you have anxiety. Daily anxiety attacks that many times you can not control. A lack of control that makes you feel even more crazy that you already are... thus causing more anxiety... and the vicious cycle begins once again. You have never been there... you don't know. You don't know what it is like to be prescribed medication that is supposed to "solve your emotional problems", get your hopes up that you may be closer to normal again, and then get no results. You don't know what it is like to be taken off birth control (which did I mention you can never have again)... and be crazy for half of every month. Wild mood swings... migrane headaches... killer cramps... crazy. You don't know what it is like to be told there is really nothing that can be done for you, short of removing all your reproductive organs. You have no idea what it is like to face the fact that it may be nearly impossible for you to get pregnant... but at the same time, if you don't want to get pregnant you will forever have to use a condom. You don't know what it is like to have to carry five pill bottles with you at all times "just in case". You don't spend your life "pretending"... like you are happy, better, satisfied. You just don't know. I realize you may know what it is like to face one of these issues... or maybe even a couple during your life, but not all of them... at once. The bottom line is this... I appreciate the love and support. I appreciate people trying to help. I appreciate people trying to understand. But you could not possibly know what I am going through. You may think that all I am doing here is whinning, that I don't realize that everyone goes through tough times, that there are people who are way worse off than me, that it could have been much worse. That is again where you are wrong. I get that I am lucky I am still alive. That's part of what makes this all the more difficult. Because I made it, but I am still suffering. Because I should be happy, but instead much of the time I am miserable. You may think you know... but you have no idea.
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