Loving Lawless

I am in love. So deeply, I hurt when he hurts. When he smiles, I smile. When he is happy, I am happy. Will it always be this way? I am so afraid. Afraid something might change and I will lose him. Afraid something will come between us. Afraid one day we will wake up and resent each other. How do I make sure that doesn't happen? How do I know this is it? My heart hurts when I am not with him. My heart hurts thinking about losing him. But haven't all those other couples that came before, haven't they had these feelings too?? How do you know it is real? More importantly, how do you make sure it stays like this forever? I have yet to see one successful relationship. Do they all fall apart? At some point, do they have to resent each other? Do they all reach the point where they don't want to fight anymore? The minute you stop fighting, you stop fighting for your love. Right? If you don't even care enough to make your point, you certainly can't care enough for the other person. Am I wrong? So I guess my issue is this. How the hell do I make sure I never, ever get to that point? How do I make sure that my love for this amazing man never fades? How do I make sure that we are together forever? Not because we have to be. Not because we said we would. Because we want to. We can not imagine our lives without each other. Just being together makes us happy. Does that happen any more? Do people love like that any more? It seems like no one has it, so it must be fleeting. I am so, so, so afraid of this incredible feeling going away. I am so afraid that one day I am going to wake up and it will all be gone. I am so afraid of having to live one second of my life without him. I am not Living Lawless any more. I am Loving Lawless. Hoping and praying that this heart never breaks again, that it never wants for anything any more, that I am forever and always relentlessly, overwhelmingly, completely IN LOVE!!!

Drinking it away...

Has a portion of your life ever just came rushing back? Have the flood gates ever just opened up and brought you right back to a place and time in your life you thought you had forgot?
It just happened to me as I was, get this, watching the Real World. The drunken, overly emotional, screwed in the head antics of one of the "characters" reminded me, of me. I saw clearly the similarities between me and this girl, I understood why. I was reminded of a time in my life, a situation that I thought was gone and buried.
One night I ran into this guy that I went to college with. He was a couple years older than me, and I totally had a crush on him. We ended up hanging out and I got wasted. I left the bar with him, and I went to one of his friend's houses. I vaguely remember being there. And for some reason, I feel like I lost it and flipped out on him. Hours later two police officers woke me up. I had been sleeping on some one's patio, someone I did not know, and they did not know me. After getting the 3rd degree and being called everything from a delinquent to a slut by one of the cops, they called me a cab. The cab took me to my car which I had left near the club, and then I headed home, or so I thought. Hours later I remember finding myself on the other side of the city. I couldn't for the life of me remember how I got there, where I had been or why I was there. I finally made it home, with barely any memories of the night before. So what did I do? I buried it. I kept shoving it down and brushing it off until it was gone, or so I thought.
Watching the Real World tonight, it came back to me and I realized why I got so drunk that night.
I remembered I liked him the guy from college. What I didn't allow myself to think about was why I didn't like him.
When we were in college I got drunk and ended up hooking up with one of his friends. I buried that night, down deep, in a place I thought where I thought it would never resurface. Tonight, it came back. I remembered the guy I was hooking up with inviting his boys in. One of them was this guy I liked. The reason I buried that night... just came rushing back. It is so difficult for me to face, I cannot even say it out loud. I was violated, by several guys.
Fast forward to the night at the club, when for some reason I decided I wanted to hang out with him, even flirt with him. Maybe I thought it would be fun to shoot him down. Instead, I found myself drinking and drinking and drinking.
I left the club with this guy and went to his friends house, now really fucked up, and it all came spilling out. I got kicked out of the house for my drunken rant, accusing my crush of.. well you know. I was miles from my home, in the middle of the night. I just started walking, got lost in a neighborhood and finally needed to rest so I landed on a bench on a stranger's patio.
What I realized tonight was that I allowed myself to get that drunk, because I was trying to forget. I was hoping I could just pretend like it never happened, drink enough that I had a different life.
I was self-medicating, hoping when the buzz wore off, I would have a different life. Instead, the drinking just brought out the issues I had worked so hard to bury. I didn't want to think about what happened years ago, something I blamed myself for. The truth is, I drank way too much for several years. The truth is, I was only creating more issues when I was trying to drink them away. The truth is, there are a lot of things in my life I don't want to face, don't want to remember, don't want to deal with. The truth is, I just realized why I always got so fucked up. I got fucked up because I was fucked up...and I still am... fucked up.

I WILL DO ANYTHING!

BITCH... That's probably the only word to describe me right now. I am so sensitive... so angry... so fragile. I am so fed up with being in pain... so fed up with the fact that I can not get help... so fed up with doctors. Doctor... when you think of a doctor... you think of help... life-saving... relief... hero. I have yet to find my Superman (or woman). I know first hand that you need to be an advocate for yourself. I know that I need to push when it comes to my medical care to get what I need. But it doesn't seem to matter what I do... where I go... I can not seem to make anyone understand. I have seen some of the "supposed best" doctors in town. And yet here I am... still in excruciating pain... still self-medicating, self-loathing, self-destructing. For two years now, I have been dealing with this shit. And for two years now, it has been getting worse, not better. I don't know what is going on with me... but I know something must be really wrong. I know that at 29 years of age... I should not be in constant... debilitating pain. I know that I am not making it up. I know what I feel. But for some reason.. I can not get anyone else to listen, to believe me. Do you have any idea what it is like to be in constant pain? To spend your life faking it... pretending like you are okay, when inside you are really dying?? Do you know what it is like to not have the support and care that you need, that you deserve?? If I had just sat around for two years... hoping that it would get better, I would have no one to blame but myself. But that is not at all what I have been doing. I have seen more doctors in these past two years than most people see in a lifetime. And still I sit here... IN PAIN. I can't sleep... can't focus... can't function... can't accomplish... can't be nice. I spend all my energy just getting through the day... and then when I get home.. I take it out on the ONE person who really loves me. The one person who is always there for me. I don't know what is wrong with me. I really feel like I am going crazy. I honestly do not believe you can be in this much pain.. and still be sane. I just want to be normal... I want to be happy... I want to feel good... I want to feel in control of my health and my life. I want a doctor... one doctor... to understand... to believe me... to feel my pain.. to take action... to want to fix me as much as I want to fix myself. I can't do this much longer. It has been two years... TWO FUCKING YEARS... I am tired. Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of getting my hopes up, tired of faking it, tired of being a bitch, just plain TIRED! I honestly don't know what to do... but I do know, something has to give. I can't live like this anymore. It is ruining my self-esteem, my job, my friendships and most importantly... it is ruining my relationship- The one thing that means the very most to me in life. I can not live without my boyfriend. I literally would be lost without him. He is the only thing that has made me make it this far. And the one person who makes me believe there may be a light at the end of this fucked-up tunnel. I WANT HELP... I DESERVE HELP... I NEED HELP. Life is not supposed to be this painful... what the fuck do I have to do to get some relief??? I WILL DO ANYTHING!!!!!

Unraisable

Unraisable... This week I got some very disturbing news. After a 2 year salary freeze... everyone got a raise in their last paycheck... everyone but me that is. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. As we have discussed before, I know that I am disliked by people with power at work. But still, I come to work and I work hard. And I'm pretty sure I have handled the shit that was thrown my way pretty well. I don't complain... I just work. Still I feel like these people in power can't seem to look past whatever the fuck it is they hate about me, to see just how much I do. What makes me even more angry is that they haven't even been in power for the last 2 years... 2 years when I didn't get the opportunity to get a raise, but I'm sure other people would have agreed I definitely deserved one. Years when I was considered good at my job... and people respected me. It makes me feel like shit... once again. It makes me so angry. I don't know what more I can do. I feel like I have already swallowed my pride... sucked it up... done everything that is asked of me... with a good attitude... even when there was awful, unfair shit happening to me. I seriously have no idea how someone could look at me... my work... my work ethic.. and decide that I am unraisable. But that's excatly what they did. How do I work for people who can't see who I really am... and what I do? It's just so hard to face that fact that some people see you only as... unraisable.

Over Me

SELFISH... It's certainly not a word anybody wants used to describe them. But that's exactly what my MOM said I was... SELFISH. "Don't worry," she said. "You come by it naturally." What? I don't want to be selfish. I certainly don't want people to think of me like that. She said when I get stressed and have a lot going on, I just get wrapped up in myself. And she told me I've had my "turn in the spotlight a lot lately". Do I really make everything about me? I know I get stressed and bitchy. But I feel like when I do act like that, I apologize to those I have hurt. And I feel like I certainly appreciate the hand-full of people I can really count on. When I'm talking to someone, even when I need to vent, or I'm stressed... I think I always try to take time to ask about them, thank them for being there for me. Maybe I don't... maybe I would just like to think I do. Either way, this selfish conversation really hit home for me. And one thing I know for sure... I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE CALLED SELFISH AGAIN. My mom said it's just who I am... well guess what?? I don't have to be that way... I can change. I think that is quite possibly one of the ugliest character flaws ever. And if I had it (which apparently I did)... I know can ditch it. Because you see... there is another "S" word to describe me... STUBBORN. I know what it is like to have selfish people around you, people who only care about themselves. I have never thought of myself as being that kind of person. And just because my life has been really fucking difficult these last couple of years... doesn't mean it's all about me. It doesn't mean that everyone should always be focused on me. I'm over me... and I'm sure everyone else in my life is too.

Going Through Hell

Sometimes our lives our hell. Sometimes we go through hell for the people we love. That's exactly what I did today. It may have been my extreme PMS... or the fact that I just got injections into my spine and head. Perhaps it was the five bulging discs in my neck... the constant headache... the fact that my neck felt like it was in a brace... my shoulder, back and colar bone pain. Maybe it was a little bit of everything. But despite my off-the-charts pain... my pain was meaningless compared to what my boyfriend was doing today. It was a big day for him. So I did my best to put on a happy face. Unfortunately, my best kind of sucked. And I spent most of the day hiding... and crying... and feeling like shit. I sucked it up for dinner. And tried not to be hurt by the fact that my boyfriend had other priorities today. But I still felt very alone... alone in my pain. And then as I was sitting here I realized something. What a selfish bitch I am. Am I really going to be mad at my boyfriend because he didn't have time to personally come and check on me? Am I really going to hold a grudge because I braved one of the worst and most uncomfortable days of my life... so he could make a good impression? My boyfriend is the one person who I can honestly say I believe would give anything to take away my pain. He has and always does put me first... especially when I am in pain. And when you are in love with someone... you make sacrifices. Today... I went through hell for the love of my life. And I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Guilt Pains

So the other day I'm talking to my mom and my job comes up and we are talking about how things are going in my "new position" with my "new schedule" and she says, "Well you must have less stress." To which I reply, "Yes, I do." Mom- "So, then you must be feeling better." Me- "What do you mean?" Mom- "I mean your health, migraines and anxiety attacks." Me- "Umm...NO! Actually my migraines are getting worse right now, more frequent than they have been. I think I need to go back to the pain center." Mom- "Oh."
So when I came home tonight with a migraine feeling like absolute shit... it got me thinking... thinking about this conversation I had had with a co-worker (a pretty powerful co-worker) who said to me... "maybe this is for the best"... and "now you will have less stress and feel better". I know that there was more than just one person behind my fall from grace. But if these people think that they were doing me any favors.. if they sleep better at night because they believe that they actually helped me... they can bite me. My health has not improved because of their little career plan for me... which by the way I was not consulted about. I would just hate for anyone to be getting a good night's sleep while I still can't. Guess you'll have to come up with another excuse to ease the guilt pains.

No One...

It sucks to feel all alone... I fucked up. I get it. I take responsibility for my actions. I am a shitty person. I have been knocked down... kicked in the gut. I have tried to pick myself up, tried to make the best of things, tried to do the best I can. But it is hard. And sometimes I feel unappreciated, like I am every one's bitch. It is hard to be that person and still feel good about yourself. I know it does not excuse my behavior. And trust me, I got a huge slap in the face today. I know I need to step up, no matter how I am feeling. Because no matter what, I need this. But what I do not need is to feel like everyone has turned against me, especially the one person who is always supposed to be on my side. I don't need to be scolded, I need to be supported. I don't need to be told how badly I fucked up, I need to be loved. Instead... I just feel like there is no one on my side. I am all alone. Dealing with all this bullshit all by myself. Feeling like a failure, a failure in every aspect of my life. No one thinks I am doing the best I can, no one is supporting me, no one just loves me even if I have fucked up.

"Easy" Happy Birthday

My day... the day dedicated just to me... Yet all day I felt like shit. I felt neglected, alone, dismissed, forgotten. All around me there were birthday parties for everyone else. People were being celebrated, loved ones planned great get-togethers for everyone else's birthday. But there was nothing for me. I could have gone to all of these other people's birthdays, but then what... I would be the birthday girl crashing someone else's party? I would be the girl trying to steal someone else's thunder? I would be the one who needed to ride on someone else's party coat-tail's because I had none of my own?? I got so many birthday text messages and facebook messages... but it got me thinking. Do we live in a world of technology that allows us to be "easy" friends? I mean how easy is it to shoot a text or a facebook note to a friend wishing them a "happy birthday". I got dozens of them. But none of them came with a "what are you doing for your birthday tonight?" "I really want to celebrate with you." Only two people, only two really good friends made it a priority to say they wanted to see me today. And one went as far as to say she would do whatever the hell I wanted, just to make sure that I could have a celebration. Am I just being a complete bitch? Am I expecting too much? Asking for too much? I guess I just feel like birthdays are supposed to be really special. I have always felt that way. I have always made it a priority to be there, to celebrate, to plan something really nice and special for my friends and family on their birthdays. But I just didn't feel like anyone stepped up this year to do that for me. It was disappointing. And depressing. On top of the fact that I had to work on my birthday. Something that I shouldn't have had to do, but because of my recent schedule change, made a necessity. I had been looking forward to having this birthday off for a long time, since I usually always have to work on my birthday and am never able to take it off. I think realizing that I had to work today, just brought back all of the feelings of why I am in this position to begin with. I also thought that one of my best friends forgot my birthday, because I had talked to her numerous times in the past few days and she hadn't mentioned anything. In the end, when I got home, there was flowers with a nice card from her. But all day I felt very disappointed and let down. On top of it all, I'm PMS-ing... which doesn't help anything. But I guess the bottom line is, I wish someone would have planned something for me, made me a priority. And by today... it was just too late. My feelings were already hurt, I was already depressed and I already felt let down. Maybe I'm just a pouter... but I guess that's what I am. I just know how special birthdays are... and how special birthdays should be treated. Maybe 30 will be better....

Evil

You are an evil person. Only an evil person would use their power to deliberately crush another person's hopes and dreams. Only an evil person would have the audacity to look someone in the eyes and show zero emotion while they were taking away everything they had worked so hard for. Only an evil person would put personal feelings ahead of what they should be focused on. Only an evil person would intentionally try to break another person. You think I am weak... It is you that is weak. If this is your way of leading... that is weak. You are sexist. It is so obvious in the comments you make... and the way you treat people. And you know nothing about me. Yet you have made up your mind about who I am and what I do. And everything you have decided, couldn't be further from the truth. But none of that matters. None of it matters because you happen to have the power in this situation. You may have the power there, but you do not control me. You can try to break me... and you may partially be succeeding... but I am fighting back... I will not let you break me... in the end I will come out on top. And you will still be an evil, evil man. You will get yours. You see, I believe in karma. And you have done such awful things to so many people, you should be very, very afraid of what you have coming to you. That gives me a little satisfaction. But I can't worry about you, because I need to focus on me... and finding the strength somewhere inside me to pick myself up... find my happiness... and forget about you. Because in the end, you are just a giant bump in my road. An evil, rude, asshole of a bump in my road.
I leave you with a quote from a wise man:
"Power over others is weakness disguised as strength."

What Does It Take???

Lately it seems like the most difficult thing to find. It's just about the only thing I want... and yet I just can't seem to get my hands on it. It doesn't seem to matter what I do. I will myself to have it. I cry because I don't. I talk about having it, in hopes it will appear. I fake it and pretend like I do. I wish really, really hard. I sleep for a really long time and dream that I will wake up with it. I numb myself so that I don't have to think about living without it anymore. I pretend like I don't really need it (so then maybe it will come). I think I have tried just about everything... and still nothing. So what does it take? What does one have to do to be happy these days?? I miss more than anything being happy. Feeling good about myself and my life. I want my happiness back. I just don't know how to get it. I know only I can make myself truly happy, no one else can do it for me. But I feel so lost, so alone, so ashamed. I feel like such a failure. How did I get here? Well, I guess I know how I got here. Now I need to know how to dig myself out of this massive hole I call my life. I WANT TO BE HAPPY... at this point... I'll even settle for content.

Space

What is with your fucking attitude lately? What is with the sarcasm... the treating me like shit? What is with the snapping at me... the short temper? And why the fuck must it be now? Now, when you know I am in hell. Now, when you know I am extremely sensitive. Now, when you know I feel like no one is on my side. Now, when all I need from you is to be there for me. What the fuck is going on with you? I don't understand. I really don't understand how you would decide to act like this at the time I need you most. Especially after all I have done for you. When you were down and needed help, I was there for you. When you were looking for jobs, I did the leg work, happily. When you were miserable at your job... I supported you, even when you were taking it out on me... treating me like shit. And now that you are happy, I couldn't be happier for you. So why the fuck can't I get some of the same compassion, love, understanding, support. You are supposed to be my best friend, my rock, the person I turn to in any and all situations. Lately it feels like I have to walk on egg shells around you. I'm fucking sick of it.
Let's take last night for example: I walk in the door to a barrage of anger... all about how you didn't sleep good last night because you were sleeping on your arm. "Why were you sleeping on your arm.", I ask sweetly. Him-"Well, you try to sleep on 8 inches of bed... with one dog here and one dog here (picture a re-enactment here) and you here and 4 feet of bed on the other side of you." Me-"Honey, if the dogs are in your way, just move them over. If I am crowding you, just gently move me over." Him-"Oh like that's gonna work. I know how crabby you are when you wake up." Me-"Yes, but you also know what a heavy sleeper I am. Once I'm out, I won't even notice if you move me." This goes on and on for a good 20 minutes. I blow up. I've just got home from a long day, does he really need to interrogate me right now? We don't talk for about a half hour, then it starts again. Him-"I'm a right handed sleeper and I sleep on the left side of the bed... When I roll over, I'm on the end of the bed." Me-"Babe, why don't you just start in the middle of the bed then." Him-"Fine, that's what I'll do." It's finally settled but we basically don't speak for the rest of the night, he is so angry with me about the fact I apparently ruined his night of sleep. Then, when we do go to bed. He gets in first. And by the time, I get in... he is in the middle of the bed... with get this!... a pillow next to him as a make-shift barricade... just to make sure I don't get too close. I get into bed and then call the dogs from his side of the bed... to mine. But he stops me, "They're fine!" Me-"Are you sure? I just don't want them to bother you." Him-"Yes, I said they're fine." So, basically I am the only problem. I am the only one bothering him while he is trying to get his precious beauty sleep. Heaven forbid I should want to sleep next to the love of my life. You want your space asshole... you're gonna get it.

Standing a chance....

Do you know who you can trust? Do you know who really has your back? Do you know who is really on your side? Do you know who will still be there for you when the chips are down?? Do you know who will stand up for you when the "really important" people have turned their backs? I used to think I knew. I used to be sure who was going to be there for me... who would always have my back. But I have since learned, I was totally wrong on a lot of fronts. Now, the people I can trust are few and far between. The people I can count on... I can count on one hand. The people I consider true friends, the ones I believe probably didn't sell me out the first chance they had, are far out-weighed by those that did. It's sad but true. It's something that I am trying to come to terms with. Something that I am trying to understand. It's a dog-eat-dog world and friendships just don't stand a chance.

2 years of hell

That's what my life has been... 2 years of hell. (Insert you little violin, playing a little song just for me, but this is my blog and I'm still going to bitch if you don't like it... stop reading now! Keep reading, maybe you might relate!) It all started in April of 2007 when I fell down the stairs drunk in a pair of too tall heels. Who knew a simple little ankle injury would fuck up my life. A month and several misdiagnosis later, I was in the hospital with a blood clot the size of Texas in my leg (stop me if you've heard this one!) and two small clots (thank god they were small) in my right lung (we nicknamed them Bert & Ernie). After 6 days in the hospital, a few days on complete bedrest I was ready to go home... to my brand new life with a clotting disorder. No more birth control, no more smoking, coumadin for at least 6 months, and no drinking. HELL!! Take away the birth control, and I get SEVERE PMS... AND HORRENDOUS CRAMPS. Then came the mental effects of nearly dying. Severe anxiety attacks... depression... a psychiatrist diagnosed me with mild depression, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder and panic disorder. That came with a couple of medications to control my panic attacks and mood swings and such. Of course, it took time to find the ones that actually worked for me. And then came the migraines. Headaches like I have never expierenced before... usually around the same time I would get severe PMS. Sometimes so badly I couldn't see straight. As the months went on, they came more and more frequently. And then... just when I thought I was getting my mental health in order... I fell down some stairs (yes, I know, AGAIN) while in Hawaii on vacation with my boyfriend. This time, I couldn't just bruise a bone... I really went all the way. I got myself a spiral fracture of both bones in my ankle... basically I broke it in 3 places requiring surgery... a plate... 6 screws and 2 pins to repair it. It also meant that I had to be completely off my ankle for the next 6 weeks... then in a walking cast for 5 weeks. You should have seen me scooting up and down my stairs on my butt for weeks on end. It was by far the worst pain I have ever endured.. and the biggest pain in the ass. You just don't realize how much you need a leg until it is taken away! So now that that's taken care of... let's get back to those pesky migraines that still have not gone away... and did I mention are just getting more and more frequent. I saw doctor after doctor... who put me on migraine medicine after migraine medicine... all without success. I saw a neurologist who sent me for an MRI which showed nothing... and then he put me on yet another migraine medicine which of course didn't work. So when I finally got a migraine for 6 weeks straight... I decided to take some drastic steps. I went to this center where they do injections to treat chronic pain... actual shots into your head, neck, shoulders, back. They are a sort of anti-inflamatory that when injected works to soothe nerves and muscles. Also I started going to a chiropractor, who x-rayed my back and showed me how messed up it really was... requiring treatments 3x a week. So while I am trying to make myself healthier... I get yet another setback... this time from work. All of this is 1 year and 10 months. And that's just the health stuff....
Let us not forget about my several car troubles costing a couple thousand dollars... one time leaving me stranded on the side of the freeway... an accident on Thanksgiving that was ruled my fault and resulted in a nice ticket for me... my several photo radar tickets...
And of course, my always tight financial situation, due mostly to my never ending medical bills.
I now see a therapist about once every 2 weeks.
A chiropractor 3 times a week.
My pain injection doctor once every 2 weeks.
My pychiatrist once every 6-8 weeks.
All in an effort to get control of my health, my life.
But it just seems like everytime I get a handle on one thing, something else pops up... everytime it seems like my life is finally getting on the right track.. heading out of hell, someone or something derails me.

JUST STOP

STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.
STOP TELLING ME THAT WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER OPENS.
STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.
STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.
STOP TELLING ME THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.
STOP TELLING ME THAT SOMEDAY I AM GOING TO LOOK BACK ON THIS AND REALIZE IT IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME.
JUST STOP...
I know you all are just trying to help... but it is not working. I am mad... sad... hurt. I feel disrespected, unappreciated, misunderstood. I am angry... ashamed... depressed. I can't eat... can't sleep... can't stop thinking about it. A huge part of my world... a part that I worked so hard for, that I was so committed to, that I was so proud of, that I was passionate about, that I loved... has been crushed... and a part of my heart has been crushed with it. Maybe someday I will be able to feel like you all want me to feel now, maybe someday I will be able to look back on this and see the good.. but for now... all I see and feel is pain. For now, I know that someday is nowhere near. Most days, I have to drag myself out of bed and plaster on a plastic smile just to make it through. Most days I have to give myself a pep talk every hour just so I won't cry. Most days I have to remind myself that I am a good person and that I am good at what I do. And maybe someday, I will once again be surrounded by people who feel the same.

Check ya later 2009

Buh-bye 2009... I am so not sorry to see you go. You were horrible and rotten and nothing but awful to me. I had nothing but great hopes for you... and then... not 20 days into the year, I was in the hospital, yet again. This time with a broken ankle. But not just any broken ankle. Because I can't do anything half-ass... I broke it in a spiral fracture, in 3 places, requiring surgery, a plate, 6 screws and two pins to piece it all back together. The pain was a kind I can not even describe, but that was just the beginning. I could not walk on it... AT ALL for the next 6 weeks. I got myself a nice little scooter instead of using those stupid crutches. But at home... I was sitting on my butt, scooting up and down my stairs. It was seriously one of the most trying times in my life. Somehow I made it through. But that was not nearly the end. As soon as my physical injury started to heal, I had to deal with my mental issues. I tried to do it on my own, but it was obvious that I needed more help. I went to a psychiatrist who did this whole big questionaire on me and then diagnosed me with mild depression, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and PMDD (which is basically just really bad PMS). So I'm slightly crazy. I started a new medication, one which, believe it or not, actually is used to treat all of those conditons (now keep in mind most people don't have all of them, but then again, I am not most people!!!). I also got on a stronger anxiety medication. I began seeing a therapist to work through the issues I am having, my stress.. etc. Just as I began to get that aspect of my life under control... my migraines spiraled out of control. I have had migraines for about a year, but now my doctor had retired... and I was going to a new doctor who wouldn't give me the medicine that I had been taking, instead insisted on giving me one migraine medication to try after another, none of them being successful. I ended up having migraines everyday... I woke up in the morning with one.. and went to bed with it at night. Finally they sent me to get a CAT scan, just to make sure everything was okay. The CAT scan showed nothing... and the neurologist wanted to do the same thing as the other doctor... just shove more migraine medication (which have I mentioned DO NOT WORK!!!) at me. You can only be in pain for so long before you literally feel like you are going crazy. When I reached a month and a half... I didn't know if I was going to make it any longer. I was desperate for relief. Enter December...when I turned to some alternative treatments. It started with a chiropractor... since my back and neck had become a huge problem. A side effect of the constant headaches or a cause of the headaches?? Maybe a little bit of both. Then, I turned to the Pain Center. A place where they put injections into all areas, pressure points, to ease the inflamation that causes pain. I have just really started but already I am seeing results. And I am feeling good heading into 2010.
But all of this getting better is quite pricey... I have doctor bills on top of doctor bills. While feeling "normal" again is my number one goal, it comes at a price.... one that has nearly bankrupt me, stresses me out, has forced me to give up all luxeries like getting my haircut, pedicures, going out to dinner. But it is the number one priority in my life right now.
If only it was just my health... There also was my photo radar tickets... I got my fair share... I managed to avoid most of them... but I got popped right at the end for two... at the lovely price of $440.
There was that time I ran out of gas on the freeway, and then when we filled my car up with gas.. it wouldn't start. That was a nice $1000 mechanic bill.
Oh.. and then there was that lovely little accident I had on Thanksgiving night. I must say, I wasn't too thankful for that. Not only did it freak me out, probably screw my back and neck up even more and dent my little Mildred May, but it also landed me a $155 ticket for "failure to control my vehicle".
So as I said... 2009... with your medical nightmares... your endless doctors bills... your car trouble... photo radar tickets... and accidents... FUCK OFF!!