Saturday, May 30, 2009

Betrayed

Betrayed... I think at least in my most recent dealings, there is no worse feeling, nothing worse you can do to a person/friend than to betray them. I Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, however you wish to look at it, I have realized that I haven't just been betrayed by one person I thought I could trust... thought was my friend, but at least two. The wounds in my back are deep. It's a pain unlike anything I've felt in years. I just don't "let people in". I don't just make anyone my friend. I have very high standards. In return, I hope that I always return those standards for my friends. But what I have now realized is that something else... something non-friendship related has become more important than I have. And sad but true, in this case, in these times, I think it it may be economic security. These people have been going behind my back... threatening my livelihood... without allowing me a say at all!!!!!!! My job is my life... I love what I do... but right now... I hate going to work. It truly is a sad situation. Everyday I feel like the majority of the people are out to get me. And on top of that, my friends have decided that saving their own asses have become more important than being honest with me about what is going on with mine. It's a position I hope I never sell myself in to....

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Human Punching Bag

Step right up.... Step right up...
Take your swing at the human punching bag...
She's cute... she's bitchy... she'll stand still...
It's my lot in life... to be everyone's punching bag...
Everyone's favorite punch line...
Hope you all are enjoying your laughs... because whether or not you see it... I'm too busy crying.
Tell me I'm too sensitive... I care too much... Then try to tell my how that makes me bad at my job.
Tell me I'm over-reacting... that's not what you meant... Then tell me how much you love me.
Tell me I just don't understand... it's not what it looks like... Then tell me you would still tell me anything.
The point is... if I were a dummy standing in the middle of this room... I'd have a lot of knives in my back... sad but true.
You can believe you put one their or not. That's totally up to you. What I know, is I have very little faith... in very little people... and that... is a sad place to be in.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Lonely for control

Do you ever feel like you are living your life in a dream? Like at times you are watching parts go by, but not really participating? Or at other times, watching from the outside... yelling about how you want to change things, or say something different, but no one can hear you? Do you ever feel like your life, this life that is so amazing from the outside... is so out of control you don't know what to do about it?? Control... it seems to be the one thing I keep coming back to in my life. I panic/have anxiety attacks whenever I feel like I'm losing/lost it. It's perhaps THE most important thing to me right now, being in control of my life, EVERYTHING in my life. You think it's silly. Of course no one can be in control of everything in their life. You're right, you can't, yet still I try. And when I fail, I go into panic mode. Why?? I'm not exactly sure, but as far as I can tell, it stems from the fact that a little over a year ago, I completely lost control of my life and almost lost it. So now, maybe, if I just hold on tight enough...
Really it's just driving me crazy. And probably the people in my life too. I need to know what's going on with them, so I can make sure that I am being the best friend, best girlfriend, best employee, best co-worker. It's exhausting. And the bottom line is, I can't do it all. Not everyone is going to be happy with me all the time. I need to be happy with myself. I know that. And I could say it over and over in my head a bigillion times, but it doesn't make it hurt any less when my friend is not supportive of who I am right now or what I am doing, or my boss doesn't like the way I approach things and thinks I'm a bitch, or my boyfriend doesn't want to talk to me and needs his own time and space. If you think you question my decisions... you should be inside my head. I question everything I say... think... do. Do you have any idea how exhausting that is?? Tell me that it doesn't matter what other people think about you, only what you think about yourself. I'll tell you BULLSHIT~! I don't need everyone to like me.. but when the people you count on suddenly aren't there... this world can feel very lonely.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

I HATE VITAMIN K

I HATE VITAMIN K. WHO EVEN HEARD OF IT?? I MEAN VITAMIN C... A... D... E... YEAH... THOSE I'VE HEARD OF, BUT K??? WTF? DID SOMEONE JUST MAKE THAT UP? I WISH, BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IT IS RUINING MY LIFE. YOU SEE VITAMIN K AND MY LITTLE FRIEND COUMADIN... DON'T GET ALONG, MEANING WHILE I'M ON THE COUMADIN (WHICH P.S. IS NOW OVER A YEAR) I CAN'T PARTAKE IN THE V-K. YOU MAY BE SAYING SO WHAT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT VITAMIN K IS, SO IT MUST NOT BE THAT IMPORTANT. WELL, IT IS IN ALL MY FAVORITE FOODS... BASICALLY ALL GREEN VEGETABLES... BROCCOLI... ASPARAGUS... SPINICH. AND GET THIS... IT'S EVEN IN CRANBERRY JUICE AND THEY WANT TO TAKE AWAY MY ALCOHOL TOO?!!! F-THEM. WHEN I LEFT THE HOSPITAL THEY SAID EAT VITAMIN K, JUST ONE SERVING A DAY. WELL NOW I DO MY OWN RESEARCH, ONLY TO LEARN THAT ONE SERVING A DAY, IS WAY TOO MUCH. I'M BASICALLY POISONING THE RAT POISON (THAT'S WHAT COUMADIN IS, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW). SO FOR ALL THIS TIME I'VE BEEN THINKING I'VE BEEN DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT, WHEN IN FACT, I COULDN'T BE MORE WRONG. I BLAME THE DOCTORS AND NURSES OUT THERE WHO SHOULD BE TELLING ME THESE THINGS... THE NUTRITIONIST I SAW BEFORE I LEFT THE HOSPITAL. I GUESS THIS IS JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF WHY YOU HAVE TO BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE, EDUCATE YOURSELF ABOUT YOUR HEALTH. BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY OTHERWISE YOU'LL BE LEFT IN THE DARK... TO BE STABBED IN THE BACK BY VITAMIN K... JUST LIKE I WAS!

If you would like to educate yourself more, check out this very useful website I found www.coumadin.com.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Crazy & I didn't even know it

Am I really that crazy?? All this time I have been trying to tell myself that the people who say these things about me, just don't understand. They just don't really support me. They just don't really care. But tonight, I finally realized, I'm pretty sure everyone thinks these things about me. I just have a few select friends and family members who see how hard I am trying and have decided to try to spare me. But the bottom line is... I must be crazy. Crazy and I didn't even know it. It's weird. I know what it is like to feel lost and not like myself and that is totally NOT how I feel now. I feel more like my true self, myself before all this happened than I have in months, yet others still look at me and see a completely different person, and apparently, a person many of them don't like, or are fed up with, or are tired of. Their big complaint is all the same... I repeat myself, over and over, without realizing when to stop or when to let go. I thought I realized when I was doing it, and I was working really hard not to do it. But apparently, it has not been working, because the complaints just keep rolling in. And if they don't come directly to me, they come behind my back. I'm not sure which hurts more. To have your friends tell you how crazy they think you are or to just have them talk about it behind your back. I've tried for weeks... hell months to let these things roll off my back and just focus on me getting better, me feeling better. But the bottom line is, it hurts. It hurts to know people are talking about how crazy you are. And it hurts to not even realize it is happening or know how to fix it. You know what really made me realize it was true... when I asked a friend, who I know is on my side, and she hesitated as she said "no, you don't really do that". How can you not know that you are doing something?? I don't know what's wrong with me... and I don't know how to fix it. It is the story of my life... at least for the past year. I guess it's no wonder I'm crazy.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

My Mom

It's inevitable. As teenagers we never truly appreciate our parents, we treat them like shit and think we are the victims. Then we grow up. This was most definitely the case with my mom. When I look back now, I can not believe how rude and disrespectful I was to her. There were years when we couldn't have a conversation without it ending in yelling and door slamming. Now, I have no idea what I would do without her.
Last year, when I was hospitalized for 6 days, she hopped the first flight out to be with me. She stayed at my house and took care of my dogs, even letting them sleep with her despite the fact that she isn't what you would call a "dog lover". Not only did she take care of my dogs, but she took care of me. I don't know how I would have made it through without her.
And in the year since then, she has been an amazing outlet for me, always listening to my concerns, my craziness, the new problem that has popped up. She offers me advice, listens to me cry, assures me that I am going to get through this, tells me how strong I am, encourages me to keep fighting.
Sometimes, unfortunately, I think it takes these kind of life changing events for us to realize the amazing people we have in our lives. Today, I feel lucky to have a Mom who is an inspiration, a rock, a friend, an encourager, a healer, a constant support.
If I am ever a mom... I hope I can do as good a job for my child, as she has done for me.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Survivor

One year ago today... my life flashed before my eyes. In the blink of an eye, I ended up in the hospital with an Emergency Room doctor telling me I had a blood clot in my leg the size of Texas... and two clots that had broken off and traveled to my right lung. I spent the next 6 days in the hospital.. learning all about how lucky I was that I didn't die. I had probably been walking around with that ticking time bomb for at least three weeks... and if one of those chunks of clot that traveled through my heart had been just a little bit bigger... that would have been it.
May 9th, 2008 my world forever changed, I forever changed.
In the aftermath, I learned I had a clotting disorder which would make me susceptible to blood clots like this for the rest of my life. It also came with a laundry list of other side effects, like it can make it difficult to get pregnant, and if you do get pregnant, it will be a high risk pregnancy.
I was also immediately taken off birth control and told never to go back on it again. As a result my hormones went wacko, literally. I began having migraines, severe cramps and crazy PMS.
And then there was the worst part... the anxiety. I started having anxiety attacks... sometimes up to five times a day. They are undescribable, except to say that I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.
As a result, I am on medications to control my world and blood thinners.
There were some very dark times, and some times where I didn't feel like myself. I feel much better now, but I have forever been changed. I have always been a control freak, but I think now it is even worse. I want to control everything I possibly can in my life, because I know what it is like to lose control. I lost control of my health and that is a feeling I don't ever want to have again. One year later I am no where near recovered... or past this... but I am coping and learning and trying to be the best person I can be.
There have been some positives in all of this, I learned that I have a very rare clotting disorder that could have presented itself later, and the older you get the more likely you are to die from a blood clot.
I quit smoking... and so today also marks the one year anniversary of my last cigarette.
And I realized how strong a person I really am. No matter what anyone says to me, or thinks about where I am or where I should be, I know what I have been through. And I dare anyone to go through all that I have, and not come out a little bit scarred. If you went through this I guarentee you would understand what it is like to really be a fighter.
I'm not trying to pretend like I'm the only one who has faced tough times... I know they are all around us. I'm just saying I'm proud to say on my one year anniversary... I KNOW that I truly am a survivor.

Perfect Partner

Listen up ladies... I have a new theory when it comes to picking the perfect man. It goes a little something like this: If you are not good at something, find a boyfriend who is.
Think I'm crazy?? Or totally off base about what is important when picking a partner, it's totally working for me!!
I suck at cooking and have no desire to learn. Who am I dating? A professional chef. It couldn't be better. I get great food and I don't have to cook it.
I have no idea about car stuff. My boyfriend washes his own car, changes his own oil, knows what that stuff is under the hood!! He's not a mechanic, but he will certainly be able to save me some time and money.
Not only is he good with the car.. he is just plain good at fixing things... and the best part. He loves doing things for me.
This is what we all need... someone to pick up the slack where our talents are lacking... (The key here ladies is you too have to be good at something, which luckily I am!!!!!)