Steppin' up the Sexy

So recently I learned about one of my friend's new addictions... lingerie shopping. Apparently she has been feeling the need since she started seeing "someone" on a regular basis. For those of you who have been to Vicki's lately you know the sexy under garmets do not come cheap (but they do cum easy!!). So my girl has been spending a ridiculous amount of money on sexy lingerie... so what?? She can have a different look each night. This is where I say waste of money and time!! The last lingerie I bought for my man was for his birthday. It took me about 20 minutes to get into it and it took him about 2 minutes to get me out. Don't get me wrong, he was very appreciative, but it was for his birthday. I'm not pulling that shit on a daily... or every other day.. or even once a week basis. And so far, it hasn't stopped my man from trying to get a piece every chance he can get. In fact, he has told me my regular pj's (my dad's old football jersey) is sexy. He looks forward to seeing me in it. I'm not saying we don't ever whip out some new lingerie... we don't ever go the extra mile to make sure our man is super turned on. But in the 8 months that I have had a boyfriend, I have pulled out the lingerie once. It was an $80 bill... that's 10 bucks a month... so I'm pretty pleased with the stripper-like attire I have purchased for my man. Maybe I'm totally wrong... am I lacking in the "sexy department" because I don't break out the lingerie on a regualar basis? Is this a part of my game I need to step up?? I'm open to all opinions on the matter...

Scooter Envy

So as many of you know, I have this "scooter" to get around since I broke both the bones in my ankle and have been banned from walking. Basically it is a walker... with a shelf for me to rest my leg on and then I push with my good leg. I can certainly move faster on the scooter than I can on crutches and it gives me the ability to carry something in one hand (which you can absolutely not do on crutches) so I guess you could say it has made my life with a broken ankle easier. But it has also started this whole new phenomenon that I just don't understand... one that drives me literally crazy... scooter envy. I can not tell you how many people have told me how "cool" it is and that "they want one". And then today, this guy is at our work, he has a walking cast on and so he says to me "Hey I need one of those" and flashes me his walking cast as he goes WALKING by. WALKING people.... that's the problem. That walking cast... is my next step (literally). That is the goal of my next doctor's visit, to get me into one of those, but for the past 7 weeks I have not been able to walk. It's like not being able to brush your teeth, it's one of those things we just take for granted without really realizing what a pain in the ass it is to not be able to do it!!! And this, my friends, is why I can not handle the scooter envy. If you can walk, don't talk to me about how you want one, or need one. NO YOU DON'T! And as someone who would give just about anything to walk right now, I don't think it's cute or funny. Now don't get me wrong, I know people are curious and want to take the scooter for a spin and I don't mind that at all. But to those who think their twisted ankle should get them a scooter... and then we could maybe bond over it... I say F-OFF (or as some of you like to say EFF-OFF) Perhaps when I can once again WALK... your scooter envy will not make me want to run you over.

Can we know too much???

Anyone who knows what happened to land me in the hospital the first time, knows I learned a very valuable lesson from that. We must take an active role in our own health care. You must be your own advocate. You must do your own research, only go to doctors you feel totally comfortable with, get second opinions and trust yourself, if you think something is wrong with your body... 9 times out of 10 it is. Insist that you get the medical help you need. So since then, I have taken a very active role in my medical care and knowledge of what is going on with me and my health. I actively research my medications, other medications, my diagnosis, my doctors, etc. But my question now is... can we know too much?
I was researching my clotting disorder... very much in depth... and this is what I found... I'll just write down the highlights for you.
Prothrombin 20210 Mutation Factor 2
Prothrombin is the protein in your blood required for blood to clot. Too much prothrombin means blood clots will form.
It is an inherited mutation of one of the prothrombin genes.
2% of the U.S. white Population has the clotting disorder.
The risk of DVT(Blood clots in you legs/arms) and PE(Blood clots in your lungs) increase with age. 1 in 10,000 people in their 20's get them (let me remind you, I was that 1). 1 in 200 people in their 70's get them.
Having a blood clot in the past (which I have!!!) increases the risk of another.
Estrogen birth control increases risks of blood clots by 16x. It also increases the risk of developing a clot in the brain.
Progestin only birth control does not appear to increase the risk of blood clots in the majority of women but it is not known whether they are safe for women with pre-existing clotting disorders.
Hormone Replacement Therapy increases the risk of a blood clot by 2 to 4 times.
Pregnancy Dangers:
There is an increased tendency to clot 6 weeks after giving birth.
Pregnancy increases the blood clot risk by 5 times.
P.S. Those statistics were for the average woman... now for me...
1 out of every 1000 women with a prothrombin mutation will develop a blood clot during pregnancy.
Prothrombin mutations may also lead to other complications... may contribute to still birth, 2nd trimester pregnancy loss, placental abruption and preeclampsia.
It also may lead to infertility.

So those are the highlights... do I know too much... of course not. I need to know this.. all of this. I need to be aware of every danger... every no-no... every side effect of my clotting disorder in case I come across a doctor who doesn't know everything he/she should know before he/she tries to treat me. But you must admit... it's not all roses and sunshine... it's kinda scary... and certainly not what you dreamed about when you were a little girl. I guess for a while now, I haven't really known if I wanted to have kids or not. To me, it was more about if I found the right guy to have those kids with. Well now I have found the right guy, but I might never be able to have those kids... and if I do... it could be a very scary and complicated process.

I'm going to leave you with some knowledge I think we should all have...
The signs and symptoms of a blood clot:
pain
swelling
redness
warm to the touch
unexplained shortness of breath
chest pain
coughing with blood
And I'm going to add one of my own: cramping almost like charlie horse feeling in my calf

You don't have to have a clotting disorder to get a blood clot... long plane/car rides will do it... try to move your legs... get the blood flowing even if you can't get up and walk. And there are pleanty of people who have a clotting disorder who will go for years, maybe even their lifetime without knowing. But if you get the perfect storm of events... it can be very dangerous. Remember... we can never know too much!

Living in fear

For 3 weeks I was living in fear... in fear of this thing that can creep up with no warning... and if you are not paying enough attention, take over in an instant. This thing that can lay dormant for days or weeks, or at any moment decide to take you life. This thing that I have battled and beat once before. Would the odds be in my favor yet again? For 3 weeks I was living in fear of another blood clot. You see, it is all about the thickness of my blood. It is a very delicate process. When they did surgery on my ankle, they had to thicken up my blood or I could have bled out on the table. But then after surgery, we had to, as quickly as possible, get my blood back to the right "thinness" so that I am not at risk of clotting, because you are most at risk of clotting when you are immobilizing a part of your body. The blood is naturally not going to circulate as well in that area, making it easier for a clot to form. Add to that the fact that I have a clotting disorder, a mutation that makes my blood more susceptible to clots. And then on top of that.. throw in the fact that this same situation was how I got my last clots. Only then we didn't know. Now we know... and now we know what we have to do... get my blood back to the right thinness. But for whatever reason, my blood is not thinning quickly enough. I have shots in my stomach twice a day for a week to cover me. That is supposed to be long enough for my blood to thin, but it is not. For 3 weeks, once a week I go to get tested and then wait for days for the phone call, the call that I hope will give me some peace of mind, the call that will tell me my blood is "theraputic"... that's what they call it when it's thin enough. But for 3 weeks it is bad news... still to thick... still at risk. For 3 weeks I worry, what if I have a clot under my cast and I just can't see the symptoms? What if the pain is from the clot not the ankle break? What if I don't pick up on it? I don't want to be back in the hospital. And what are the odds that I could walk around with another blood clot.. and not do major damage? For 3 weeks I was living in fear... and then... I got the news I was waiting for... therapeutic. It doesn't mean I can't get a clot, but it does mean my chances are a lot lower. They are the chances I will have to live with for the rest of my life... I have a clotting disorder... but at least for now... it looks like I have dodged a bullet.

The day we stop learning...

You've heard the phrase "the day we stop learning is the day we die". Well, I'm going to change that a little bit, I think it should be "the day we stop learning about ourselves is the day we die". I have just learned a big lesson about myself. Sometimes I let my emotions get in the way of doing what is the most productive thing to get the end result that I want. Sometimes I need to swallow my pride or my hurt and simply ask for what I need, say what I want. I have realized now, had I done that, I may have avoided a lot of hurt and I may have actually gotten what I really wanted a lot sooner. I am an emotional person by nature... it's part of what makes me great and part of what brings me down. The hard part is finding the balance in my daily life. It is something I think I have been working on my entire life, but obviously something I have not mastered. I am still learning about myself... what I am great at and what I need to do better. I hope I never stop trying to be a better person... and I hope I never forget... to look for the lesson.

Cry For Help

Talk about controversy.... I didn't realize that my pain and lonliness and my blogging about it was going to cause such a stir, but it has. So now I feel the need to clarify. "All Alone" was not written about any one friend, in fact it was written about a whole slew of them. And contrary to popular belief, it was not written to hurt people's feelings or make anyone mad. Quite the opposite. It was written because I was losing it... I was at a breaking point... because I needed some support and love... it was written as a cry for help. When I wrote "All Alone" I wasn't thinking about anyone of my friends or their feelings. And I certainly wasn't thinking about how they would react when they read the blog. I was overwhelmed with my own sadness and lonliness and hurt. I just needed to express it and this has been how I have always done that. It was not meant to be the last will and testament of my friendships with people whom I love to death and would do anything for. I guess maybe deep down inside, I hoped they would read it and think "Wow, I didn't even realize I was doing that." Or maybe, "I had no idea Living Lawless needed me so badly right now." And then call. That's it... that's all I wanted.. I just wanted people to care. You can hate my method of going about doing this. You can think that I should have sat all of my friends down one at a time and told them I really needed them to start checking in on me, caring a little bit more. If I f-ed that part up in your opinion, I won't try to argue with you. I will only tell you that I never intentionally tried to hurt my friends... I would never intentionally hurt my friends. "All Alone" was my desperate cry for help. I hope that helps...

All Alone

So let me just give you a snapshot of my life right now. I have a broken right ankle and I am still in a lot of pain. I am now in a cast (at least it is pretty... red with sparkles) and I can NOT under any circumstance put any pressure on my right foot/ankle/leg for at least the next four weeks... the same instructions I have alreadly lived with for 3 weeks. I have now found a semi-cool way to get around. My doctor ordered me a scooter of sorts... think a razor... powered by my one good leg... but with a paded shelf for me to rest by f-ed up leg on. It does make getting around work easier... and now I can at least make food for myself in my kitchen so I am not starving. But it doesn't go up stairs. So I drag myself... sitting on my butt up the stairs to my crutches, which I leave at the top of the stairs and I use only crutches up stairs. I can shower by myself because my parents got me a chair and handle I use to pull myself in and out... I put a garbage bag over my cast and masking tape it up. Laundry is nearly impossible, but somehow I manage. Basically everything in my life takes me at least 4 times as long to do as it normally does... even just going to the bathroom. Therefore, at the end of the day, I'm 4 times as tired as I usually am. And I'm pretty sure, with the exception of my anchor who has a family and her own people to take care of, not one of my friends has asked if I need anything. If they could come over and help me with anything. Or if they could just come over and be there for me. In fact when I talk about how hard this all is for me, I feel like no one wants to hear it, like they feel like I am burdening them, like I am totally being a baby about this whole thing and I should just suck it up. The only people who seem to understand or give a shit are all miles away... my family and my boyfriend. And right now I can't even begin to tell you how alone and sad and unsupported I feel. I have all these amazing friends right?? But when the chips are down, it's those friends who are supposed to be there for you. And right now... I'm standing... on one leg... all alone.

My Crippled Life

So much for my nice long relaxing vacation. You know me... I must find some way to "spice things up". So I somehow managed to break my ankle... and wind up in the emergency room. But, as we all know, I don't do anything half-assed. So, I didn't just "break my ankle"... I BROKE MY ANKLE!!! I broke both bones (the tibia and the fibia) in a spiral fracture. It required emergency surgery, but because I have a blood clotting disorder and I am on coumadin, my "emergency surgery" had to wait until they could thicken up my blood. It was by far the most painful 24+ hours of my entire life... minutes after I was given morphine, I was in so much pain I didn't know if I was going to make it. The next day I was wheeled downstairs for surgery... where I would receive a plate... 6 screws... and 2 weird looking pin things, turning my right ankle... bionic, but hopefully eventually returning it to "normal". The surgery went well, at least according to all the doctors. I was still in a lot of pain, and then came the bombshell, no weight on my right foot for at least 6 weeks... NONE!!! Crutches would be my new best friend. I spend the next 3 days in the hospital while they tried to thin my blood back out now that surgery was over. I was back on the coumadin and getting shots in my stomach (if you've never had one... let me just say OUCH!!!) but my levels were still not right. By now it was Wednesday and I was scheduled to leave Saturday. My boyfriend really wanted me to be home with him... and I didn't want to be in the hospital alone anymore. (It wasn't like last time. This wasn't my home so I didn't constantly have someone with me... and I was in so much pain and so depressed about how I was spending the end of my vacation that most of the time I just laid in bed... I didn't read, I didn't watch TV... I just laid there.) So finally on Thursday, the doctor said I could leave if someone would give me my shots twice a day in my stomach. Luckily, my boyfriend's mom used to be a nurse and so she agreed without hesitation. I went home and my boyfriend spent the rest of my vacation taking care of me, but at least we got to be together. Talk about an ending to my time in paradise... so by now you're probably wondering... how the hell did it happen!!!
Did she fall during one of those amazing hikes she was on?
Was it on one of those walks on the beach, that sand can be very deep?
Oh no... it was once again the me versus the stairs... and guess who won??
The one time I decided to put on a pair of high heels. We went to town to see a NOFX show. I had a couple of drinks... wearing a couple of heels... and then met a couple of stairs... that's all it took. When I fell, I thought I had maybe just twisted it, that is until I tried to stand up and immediately fell back down (probably because the two bones I had to stand on were both broken) I started screaming in pain... my boyfriend rushed over, picked me up... and carried me up to his friend's condo where I spent the night with my foot propped up with ice on it. I proceeded to pop of couple of pain pills... and drink more... like then it would just magically get better. Finally my boyfriend's friend called one of his neighbor's who is a nurse. He came over and looked at it and said we needed to go to the emergency room immediately. And that's what we did... so there you are... all caught up... on my crippled life!!!