Boy Fight!!!

OMG... Who knew men had so much drama? Seriously... tonight, I basically mediated a fight between my boyfriend and his best friend here. Actually his wife and I tease them that they have a bro-mance. Well, tonight this bro-mance had their first bro-down. Basically... it was a gigantic misunderstanding, but here's the thing with guys... they are all about their ego and so... of course... nothing could be easy. I mean it was all over phone calls and text messages and assumptions. First we were never going to be friends again. Then, I was a traitor for even talking to them. And finally, some realization that perhaps everything had been blow out of proportion and when it came down to it, they both just loved each other!!! It took awhile for us to get there, but we did. It's just so funny... so much drama... FROM BOYS!!! So the next time your boyfriend tries to tell you that you and girlfriends are the ones always creating drama... I beg to differ!!!!!!

We got problems

You know when we got problems??? The minute you start lying to me. What do I look like? An idiot?? You know what my favorite part is though?? Finding the receipt, time-stamped at 4:30pm and getting a super excited call from you at 5:15pm about your new job prospect... so you promise me we're gonna have a great night, you aren't gonna be drunk. You actually said that, word for word. And then I get home and find a completely different you. And when I question you about it, what do you do? Throw a temper tantrum, like a spoiled little brat. Refuse to answer my questions, instead you stomp upstairs at 8:30pm and say you are going to bed.
More like passing out. Whatever. Fuck you. And fuck your lying too. You wanna know what the saddest part is, I'm not even that angry... not at all surprised. I'm just so fucking disappointed. But right now, I'm trying to figure out who I am disappointed in... you for lying to me or me for putting up with you. It won't last long... I promise you that. I'll figure it out soon. This numb feeling will wear off and I'm sure I'll start to feel the pain. And then, you better watch out.

My Crazy Life

6:00am- My boyfriend kisses me goodbye. I manage to get out a "call me as soon as you are done with work". I am on maybe my third hour of sleep.
Fast forward to 12:30pm- My boyfriend calls.
Me- "Wow, you're done with work early"
Him- "Yeah, they don't want to have to pay me too much overtime. What's up?
Me- "I need a huge favor. I need you to come by here and pick something off for me and then go drop it off. The deadline is today and I thought I could email it in, but it says you have to drop it off in person and if I wait until after work, they will already be closed."
Him- "(Huge sign/gasp like his world is collapsing) Really? Why couldn't you have asked me that this morning?"
Me- "Well for one it was 6 o'clock in the morning and I wasn't awake. I was maybe on my third hour of sleep. And for two I didn't think it would make a difference. You know what, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. Because I don't have time to argue with you. I have work to do and I'm already behind." (Cue the tears)
Him- "I don't even know where I'm going."
Me- "Well of course I was going to mapquest it for you. I wasn't just going to send you out there blind. But you know what. I can't have my boyfriend doing another thing for his crazy girlfriend that he doesn't want to do, having to pick up the pieces once again so just forget it." (Now I'm really crying)
Him- "No babe, I really want to do this for you, please let me do this for you."
Me- "Why couldn't you just react like that. All I wanted was to ask my boyfriend for a favor and for him to be like, 'Sure babe'. Why do you first have to make me feel like shit??" (Still seriously crying- total freak)
Him- "You're right, I am so sorry. Please let me help you out with this. I love you babe. I'm on my way."
Me- "Thank you baby. I'll see you when you get here." (Still totally distraught)

My poor fucking boyfriend. I am one crazy bitch. I mean, yes, I probably didn't need the end of the world sign but did he need the guilt trip from hell???
As I reflected on the conversation later, I was actually laughing out loud at my overreaction, my craziness. Can you believe I even have a boyfriend??? And then I thought, shit. I should have my own reality show. No script needed. I pull this over-the-top shit all the time. It could just be about my crazy life and the people who have to try and put up with it. It's emotional, it's hilarious, it's a little bit like WTF, it's the perfect reality show. Now that TLC lost Jon & Kate Plus 8... maybe they should pick up "My Crazy Life". How does one get a reality show I wonder?????

Losing your best friend

Losing your best friend. I can't even imagine how painful it must be. The heartbreak has to be unlike any other loss because the relationship is unlike any other. There is no selfishness, jealously, grudges... only unconditional love. The love between a pet and its owner is truly sacred. It's something I never experienced until adulthood. Now I have two dogs, two babies, whom I can not imagine losing. My heart breaks at the thought. Luckily, my babies are still relatively young and seem to be in good health. Meanwhile, my half-sister is dealing with this very heart ache. She has lost her best friend, her cat T-Bone. By far, the coolest cat I have ever met. A cat, that was more like a dog. He played fetch, responded to his name, and slept with her every night. Until 2 nights ago, his heart gave out. The death of a pet, a best friend. It is something that I have had yet to share, but I know I will all too soon. And it makes me cry for all of you who have lost your best friend. I invite you... if you want... to remember them here.... a place where the real love lives on.

Road Rage

I think I might have some road rage issues. Tonight, I got so pissed off at this guy, seriously you won't believe what I did.
Let me start at the beginning.
I was driving home from work, minding my own business, just cruising in my own lane when I get to an area where traffic enters from my right. Now mind you they have their own lane to enter the freeway on. So I'm just plugging along (okay, let's get serious. It's a 65... I'm going 73,74 maybe) and this asshole decides that he wants to get over into my lane. So he just puts his turn signal on and gets over... totally cutting me off, causing me to SLAM on my brakes so I don't hit him. Like as long as you put your turn signal on, you can do what ever you want to do. If that's the case, I'm just going to say please and then take that new Louis purse home with me. I mean that's how it works right??
So needless to say I am now pissed and riding his ass. So after doing that for a couple of minutes, I tell my boyfriend, whom I am on the phone with, to write this license plate number down. I then give him the truck's plate number, make and model that I am stalking. Then my road rage really takes over. I pull along side him... and flip him off. Ohh... but it doesn't end there. Then I get back behind him... and ride his ass for a few more minutes. Before I speed away. Good news, I didn't get shot. Bad news, I think I might have some anger management and road rage issues. I'm thinking about getting a bumper sticker.. "Don't fuck with this mentally unstable driver". Just a warning for all you out there... stay out of my way!!!

What is normal??

You know what the difference between you and me is?? You wake up every morning, and know exactly who you are, feel exactly like yourself. I, on the other hand, have to work for it. Sometimes I wake up with a migraine that makes it so I can't think straight and I am not my sharp, whitty self. Sometimes it is simply that I am easily irritable, short-tempered, easily confused, sluggish and simply unhappy... not me, until I take my morning medicine. It's sad. It's sad to not feel like yourself, the fun, energetic person that people used to love to be around, without medication. And it's sad to feel those characteristics slip away as my medication wears off. I don't take medication to medicate myself. I take medication so that I can feel like myself again.
When you are dealing with what I am dealing with (Just for the record, I have been diagnosed with mild depression, post traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder, anxiety disorder and severe PMS) feeling normal and finding a balance, is a difficult task. One that I wake up every day, and work really hard to do.

The worst...

Uncontrollable sobbing and shaking.
Can't breathe, can't talk, can't move, can't think straight.
Chest pains so horrible I feel like I am having a heart attack.
Feeling like you are teetering on the brink of death.
By far the worst feeling I have ever had in my entire life.
That, my friends, is a panic attack.
I hope I have painted a clear enough picture for you.
Now imagine that feeling lasting for five minutes... 10 minutes... 20 minutes.
That, my friends, is my life... more and more often.
A life, I don't know how much longer I can handle.

I am so mad at you

I am so mad at you. I needed you so badly... and you weren't there. I left you a message, sobbing, pleading for you to call me and you didn't. Not that night, not the next day. You even texted me asking me to call you that night... and then when I did, not only did you not answer, but you didn't even call me back. I have never experienced what I experienced that night. I needed you.. and you couldn't be bothered to be there for me. I don't care why. I don't care what your excuse is, because I know it is not good enough. After all I have done for you, all the times I have been there for you, you couldn't be there for me when I needed you most. I'm so mad at you.

Shortie: Photo Radar Vandalism

So yesterday a photo radar camera van was vandalized, right by my crazy doctor's office. I happened to have an appointment that morning, and saw the van on my way there (oh I saw it, had to slam on my brakes). Now we all know how I feel about photo radar, but I just want to clear the record. I DID NOT DO IT. It didn't even ticket me. If I was going to vandalize any photo radar camera, it would be the one that popped me last Thursday... the one that I know is there, I was just fucking distracted, dammit!!! Once again, for the record, I DID NOTHING TO THAT CAMERA. I am however awaiting yet another photo radar ticket that I will magically not get (wink, wink).

Give it up?

Why should I have to give up something I love, just to be happy? Why should I have to change my life, my world, to keep my sanity? How is it that one person can poison it for everyone? Everyone keeps saying that I just need to let it go, let it roll off my back, not let it get to me. Don't you think I am trying to do that? But it is so much bigger than that. I am so angry. Angry at the ways things have changed. Angry that I am physically sick now. Angry that something that used to make me happy, I used to love to do, I now dread. Angry that all we do is focus on the negative. Angry I have anxiety and migraines the second I walk in the door. Angry that it is normal to snap at each other, take things out on each other, blame each other, throw each other under the bus. I am angry at what we have become, what I am a part of. I used to be proud, now I just try and get by. So what do I do? Let one person make me give up what I love or make myself happy? What is more important, my sanity and health on a daily basis or something I have always wanted to do and I am damn good at, even if no one recognizes it lately? What would you do??

Alone with my pain...

My life has come down to 2 options. Everyday I wake up and hope I will be able to pull off the first. Faking It. Faking it like everything is okay. Like I am happy with where I am and what is going on around me. The second option is to simply be a mess. Anxiety ridden, facing panic attacks, having migraine headaches, short-tempered, a super emotional fucking mess. For months I had the faking it thing down pat. I was the queen of the plastic smiles and the "sounds great". Then, I was knocked completely off my game. And now I am a mess. No matter how many pep talks I give myself, no matter how much medication I take, everyday I am just struggling to get by. And I feel like when I tell people what's going on, they are beyond over it. They are sick of my migraines, sick of me not feeling good, sick of me being an emotional wreck. Even my boyfriend, who is so supportive and loving and understanding, seems to be losing his patience. It feels like I'm burdening him by talking about it and like he just wants me to be over it already. And so here I am... alone with my pain. Alone with the anxiety and panic attacks that you can not possibly understand unless you have experienced. Alone with my migraines that blur my vision, make it impossible for me to think straight and make me feel like a complete idiot. Alone with my mood swings that could strike at any minute... sparing no one and then leaving me feeling like the biggest bitch ever.
And alone with the fact that despite my numerous trips to several different doctors over the past year and a half, my emotional issues are still NO WHERE NEAR UNDER CONTROL. Despite all my medications, I am still not in control of myself, my body or my mind. It is an incredibly helpless feeling. One I hope you will never feel. But if you do... I hope you will learn how to fake it with the best of them. Meanwhile... I just I hope I can somehow find my way out of the pain and back to the faking it. I just don't know how much longer I can take it before I break.

Can we take a vote???

You are the biggest asshole I know. I have NEVER met anyone quite as arrogant or disrespectful as you. How the hell do you expect people to look up to you, to respect you, when you treat them like shit on a daily basis. You are constantly belittling people. Does it make you feel better about yourself?? Do you feel like a bigger, more powerful person when you put other people down? When you remind us that "we are nothing", do you feel better? Do you know that yelling doesn't mean people will listen to you? Do you know that talking down to people doesn't encourage them to value your opinion? Do you know that prancing around like a peacock, causing huge problems and then offering no solutions doesn't make anyone look at you as a leader? And just because people seem to be nice to you, doesn't mean they like you. They are afraid of you, afraid you may fly off the handle if they don't laugh at your jokes, afraid to say the wrong thing and be publicly humiliated. Speaking of your public humiliation... if you think that motivates people, you couldn't be further from the truth. And if you think having us throw each other under the bus and create in-house fighting, is beneficial, you are so wrong. We are a team... we need to be a strong supportive team. We need to work together and depend on each other. It doesn't mean we don't hold each other accountable, but it goes back to the public humiliation thing. It serves no purpose, other than I suppose entertaining you. You say we should all be allowed to share our opinions, but if we do, you cut us off, talk over us, or simply tell us we are wrong. You constantly contradict yourself. You tell one person one thing... and another something completely different. If you think because people don't challenge you... you are respected... you are wrong. If you think because you have power you are trusted... you are wrong. If you think because people listen when you talk they believe what you say... you are wrong. Don't believe me... just look at your record. Look at how many people have left- by choice- since you came. I wish there were a chance that you would examine your ways and perhaps even think about changing... but I know better. I know you are WAY to arrogant for that. I know you think you are the best and there is nothing that could possibly change.
But can we take a vote??