Are We Falling Apart??

Are we falling apart? My perfect man, my perfect love story, my forever... I have no idea what is happening to us right now and I have no idea how to fix it. But I feel like you are so unhappy, so unhappy with me, like I am making you miserable, this move has made you miserable. And the bottom line is, I have no idea how to make it better. I love you. I really do. My heart aches at the thought of losing you. But I don't know what to do to make you happy. And if you aren't happy with me now, I don't want you to stay with me just because you feel like you should. We aren't married, we don't have kids. There is no reason for us to get locked into a relationship if we both aren't happy. And if we aren't happy now, lord knows we aren't going to be happy 10 years from now. I have no idea how this happened. I thought for sure we would be able to survive anything. But here's the thing. I am doing my best right now. And it just doesn't seem to be enough for you. And if it's not enough, than I am just not enough. I don't know how many more times we can have this same fight. And the bottom line is, more than anything, all I want for you is to be happy. And if I can't make you happy, if you aren't happy here, you should go somewhere you will be. I say that through sobs and huge tears running down my face. It is not something I want to be saying. But I love you. And I want what is best for you. Maybe I'm too screwed up to be the "best".

Give Me Pain

Words so painful, each felt like a kick to the kidney.
A disappointment so strong I felt like I was getting my insides ripped out, slowly... working up to my already broken heart.
Feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin, I was literally trying to kick my way out.
Hurting so badly, yet having an overwhelming desire to feel physical pain... a feeling so strong I was scratching at my wrists... hoping for the sight of blood.
You are the one person in this world I love more than anyone else. And yet you, knowing exactly where I was and how I felt, decided to rip me to pieces.
"You are such a child"
"It is never your fault"
"It is always about you"
"I can never do anything to comfort you"
"Your problems are always more important"
"You are never happy"
"You are never there for me"
"You never ask about what's going on with me"

Kay, I get it. I suck. It feels awful to feel like a failure. But if feels even worse when the person you love most in this world is the one reinforcing that feeling.

The Other Woman

Tonight I found out about the other woman, the one my boyfriend turns to to give him everything I can not, or do not. She is apparently self-less and all-too understanding. Her world revolves around him. She is always there to listen, to comfort, to care, to be whatever he needs her to be. She never has any of her own problems that "get in the way". She never asks for anything in return. She never expects the same care and compassion from him. For her, he is everything. and that is what he needs. I, on the other hand, have way too many problems of my own. I am always trying to deal with my own issues and therefore am much too busy too pay proper attention to my boyfriend's needs. I am selfish and spoiled and "IT IS NEVER MY FAULT". I am nothing like her.
So who is this mystery woman... alcohol.

Boy Fight!!!

OMG... Who knew men had so much drama? Seriously... tonight, I basically mediated a fight between my boyfriend and his best friend here. Actually his wife and I tease them that they have a bro-mance. Well, tonight this bro-mance had their first bro-down. Basically... it was a gigantic misunderstanding, but here's the thing with guys... they are all about their ego and so... of course... nothing could be easy. I mean it was all over phone calls and text messages and assumptions. First we were never going to be friends again. Then, I was a traitor for even talking to them. And finally, some realization that perhaps everything had been blow out of proportion and when it came down to it, they both just loved each other!!! It took awhile for us to get there, but we did. It's just so funny... so much drama... FROM BOYS!!! So the next time your boyfriend tries to tell you that you and girlfriends are the ones always creating drama... I beg to differ!!!!!!

We got problems

You know when we got problems??? The minute you start lying to me. What do I look like? An idiot?? You know what my favorite part is though?? Finding the receipt, time-stamped at 4:30pm and getting a super excited call from you at 5:15pm about your new job prospect... so you promise me we're gonna have a great night, you aren't gonna be drunk. You actually said that, word for word. And then I get home and find a completely different you. And when I question you about it, what do you do? Throw a temper tantrum, like a spoiled little brat. Refuse to answer my questions, instead you stomp upstairs at 8:30pm and say you are going to bed.
More like passing out. Whatever. Fuck you. And fuck your lying too. You wanna know what the saddest part is, I'm not even that angry... not at all surprised. I'm just so fucking disappointed. But right now, I'm trying to figure out who I am disappointed in... you for lying to me or me for putting up with you. It won't last long... I promise you that. I'll figure it out soon. This numb feeling will wear off and I'm sure I'll start to feel the pain. And then, you better watch out.

My Crazy Life

6:00am- My boyfriend kisses me goodbye. I manage to get out a "call me as soon as you are done with work". I am on maybe my third hour of sleep.
Fast forward to 12:30pm- My boyfriend calls.
Me- "Wow, you're done with work early"
Him- "Yeah, they don't want to have to pay me too much overtime. What's up?
Me- "I need a huge favor. I need you to come by here and pick something off for me and then go drop it off. The deadline is today and I thought I could email it in, but it says you have to drop it off in person and if I wait until after work, they will already be closed."
Him- "(Huge sign/gasp like his world is collapsing) Really? Why couldn't you have asked me that this morning?"
Me- "Well for one it was 6 o'clock in the morning and I wasn't awake. I was maybe on my third hour of sleep. And for two I didn't think it would make a difference. You know what, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. Because I don't have time to argue with you. I have work to do and I'm already behind." (Cue the tears)
Him- "I don't even know where I'm going."
Me- "Well of course I was going to mapquest it for you. I wasn't just going to send you out there blind. But you know what. I can't have my boyfriend doing another thing for his crazy girlfriend that he doesn't want to do, having to pick up the pieces once again so just forget it." (Now I'm really crying)
Him- "No babe, I really want to do this for you, please let me do this for you."
Me- "Why couldn't you just react like that. All I wanted was to ask my boyfriend for a favor and for him to be like, 'Sure babe'. Why do you first have to make me feel like shit??" (Still seriously crying- total freak)
Him- "You're right, I am so sorry. Please let me help you out with this. I love you babe. I'm on my way."
Me- "Thank you baby. I'll see you when you get here." (Still totally distraught)

My poor fucking boyfriend. I am one crazy bitch. I mean, yes, I probably didn't need the end of the world sign but did he need the guilt trip from hell???
As I reflected on the conversation later, I was actually laughing out loud at my overreaction, my craziness. Can you believe I even have a boyfriend??? And then I thought, shit. I should have my own reality show. No script needed. I pull this over-the-top shit all the time. It could just be about my crazy life and the people who have to try and put up with it. It's emotional, it's hilarious, it's a little bit like WTF, it's the perfect reality show. Now that TLC lost Jon & Kate Plus 8... maybe they should pick up "My Crazy Life". How does one get a reality show I wonder?????

Losing your best friend

Losing your best friend. I can't even imagine how painful it must be. The heartbreak has to be unlike any other loss because the relationship is unlike any other. There is no selfishness, jealously, grudges... only unconditional love. The love between a pet and its owner is truly sacred. It's something I never experienced until adulthood. Now I have two dogs, two babies, whom I can not imagine losing. My heart breaks at the thought. Luckily, my babies are still relatively young and seem to be in good health. Meanwhile, my half-sister is dealing with this very heart ache. She has lost her best friend, her cat T-Bone. By far, the coolest cat I have ever met. A cat, that was more like a dog. He played fetch, responded to his name, and slept with her every night. Until 2 nights ago, his heart gave out. The death of a pet, a best friend. It is something that I have had yet to share, but I know I will all too soon. And it makes me cry for all of you who have lost your best friend. I invite you... if you want... to remember them here.... a place where the real love lives on.

Road Rage

I think I might have some road rage issues. Tonight, I got so pissed off at this guy, seriously you won't believe what I did.
Let me start at the beginning.
I was driving home from work, minding my own business, just cruising in my own lane when I get to an area where traffic enters from my right. Now mind you they have their own lane to enter the freeway on. So I'm just plugging along (okay, let's get serious. It's a 65... I'm going 73,74 maybe) and this asshole decides that he wants to get over into my lane. So he just puts his turn signal on and gets over... totally cutting me off, causing me to SLAM on my brakes so I don't hit him. Like as long as you put your turn signal on, you can do what ever you want to do. If that's the case, I'm just going to say please and then take that new Louis purse home with me. I mean that's how it works right??
So needless to say I am now pissed and riding his ass. So after doing that for a couple of minutes, I tell my boyfriend, whom I am on the phone with, to write this license plate number down. I then give him the truck's plate number, make and model that I am stalking. Then my road rage really takes over. I pull along side him... and flip him off. Ohh... but it doesn't end there. Then I get back behind him... and ride his ass for a few more minutes. Before I speed away. Good news, I didn't get shot. Bad news, I think I might have some anger management and road rage issues. I'm thinking about getting a bumper sticker.. "Don't fuck with this mentally unstable driver". Just a warning for all you out there... stay out of my way!!!

What is normal??

You know what the difference between you and me is?? You wake up every morning, and know exactly who you are, feel exactly like yourself. I, on the other hand, have to work for it. Sometimes I wake up with a migraine that makes it so I can't think straight and I am not my sharp, whitty self. Sometimes it is simply that I am easily irritable, short-tempered, easily confused, sluggish and simply unhappy... not me, until I take my morning medicine. It's sad. It's sad to not feel like yourself, the fun, energetic person that people used to love to be around, without medication. And it's sad to feel those characteristics slip away as my medication wears off. I don't take medication to medicate myself. I take medication so that I can feel like myself again.
When you are dealing with what I am dealing with (Just for the record, I have been diagnosed with mild depression, post traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder, anxiety disorder and severe PMS) feeling normal and finding a balance, is a difficult task. One that I wake up every day, and work really hard to do.

The worst...

Uncontrollable sobbing and shaking.
Can't breathe, can't talk, can't move, can't think straight.
Chest pains so horrible I feel like I am having a heart attack.
Feeling like you are teetering on the brink of death.
By far the worst feeling I have ever had in my entire life.
That, my friends, is a panic attack.
I hope I have painted a clear enough picture for you.
Now imagine that feeling lasting for five minutes... 10 minutes... 20 minutes.
That, my friends, is my life... more and more often.
A life, I don't know how much longer I can handle.

I am so mad at you

I am so mad at you. I needed you so badly... and you weren't there. I left you a message, sobbing, pleading for you to call me and you didn't. Not that night, not the next day. You even texted me asking me to call you that night... and then when I did, not only did you not answer, but you didn't even call me back. I have never experienced what I experienced that night. I needed you.. and you couldn't be bothered to be there for me. I don't care why. I don't care what your excuse is, because I know it is not good enough. After all I have done for you, all the times I have been there for you, you couldn't be there for me when I needed you most. I'm so mad at you.

Shortie: Photo Radar Vandalism

So yesterday a photo radar camera van was vandalized, right by my crazy doctor's office. I happened to have an appointment that morning, and saw the van on my way there (oh I saw it, had to slam on my brakes). Now we all know how I feel about photo radar, but I just want to clear the record. I DID NOT DO IT. It didn't even ticket me. If I was going to vandalize any photo radar camera, it would be the one that popped me last Thursday... the one that I know is there, I was just fucking distracted, dammit!!! Once again, for the record, I DID NOTHING TO THAT CAMERA. I am however awaiting yet another photo radar ticket that I will magically not get (wink, wink).

Give it up?

Why should I have to give up something I love, just to be happy? Why should I have to change my life, my world, to keep my sanity? How is it that one person can poison it for everyone? Everyone keeps saying that I just need to let it go, let it roll off my back, not let it get to me. Don't you think I am trying to do that? But it is so much bigger than that. I am so angry. Angry at the ways things have changed. Angry that I am physically sick now. Angry that something that used to make me happy, I used to love to do, I now dread. Angry that all we do is focus on the negative. Angry I have anxiety and migraines the second I walk in the door. Angry that it is normal to snap at each other, take things out on each other, blame each other, throw each other under the bus. I am angry at what we have become, what I am a part of. I used to be proud, now I just try and get by. So what do I do? Let one person make me give up what I love or make myself happy? What is more important, my sanity and health on a daily basis or something I have always wanted to do and I am damn good at, even if no one recognizes it lately? What would you do??

Alone with my pain...

My life has come down to 2 options. Everyday I wake up and hope I will be able to pull off the first. Faking It. Faking it like everything is okay. Like I am happy with where I am and what is going on around me. The second option is to simply be a mess. Anxiety ridden, facing panic attacks, having migraine headaches, short-tempered, a super emotional fucking mess. For months I had the faking it thing down pat. I was the queen of the plastic smiles and the "sounds great". Then, I was knocked completely off my game. And now I am a mess. No matter how many pep talks I give myself, no matter how much medication I take, everyday I am just struggling to get by. And I feel like when I tell people what's going on, they are beyond over it. They are sick of my migraines, sick of me not feeling good, sick of me being an emotional wreck. Even my boyfriend, who is so supportive and loving and understanding, seems to be losing his patience. It feels like I'm burdening him by talking about it and like he just wants me to be over it already. And so here I am... alone with my pain. Alone with the anxiety and panic attacks that you can not possibly understand unless you have experienced. Alone with my migraines that blur my vision, make it impossible for me to think straight and make me feel like a complete idiot. Alone with my mood swings that could strike at any minute... sparing no one and then leaving me feeling like the biggest bitch ever.
And alone with the fact that despite my numerous trips to several different doctors over the past year and a half, my emotional issues are still NO WHERE NEAR UNDER CONTROL. Despite all my medications, I am still not in control of myself, my body or my mind. It is an incredibly helpless feeling. One I hope you will never feel. But if you do... I hope you will learn how to fake it with the best of them. Meanwhile... I just I hope I can somehow find my way out of the pain and back to the faking it. I just don't know how much longer I can take it before I break.

Can we take a vote???

You are the biggest asshole I know. I have NEVER met anyone quite as arrogant or disrespectful as you. How the hell do you expect people to look up to you, to respect you, when you treat them like shit on a daily basis. You are constantly belittling people. Does it make you feel better about yourself?? Do you feel like a bigger, more powerful person when you put other people down? When you remind us that "we are nothing", do you feel better? Do you know that yelling doesn't mean people will listen to you? Do you know that talking down to people doesn't encourage them to value your opinion? Do you know that prancing around like a peacock, causing huge problems and then offering no solutions doesn't make anyone look at you as a leader? And just because people seem to be nice to you, doesn't mean they like you. They are afraid of you, afraid you may fly off the handle if they don't laugh at your jokes, afraid to say the wrong thing and be publicly humiliated. Speaking of your public humiliation... if you think that motivates people, you couldn't be further from the truth. And if you think having us throw each other under the bus and create in-house fighting, is beneficial, you are so wrong. We are a team... we need to be a strong supportive team. We need to work together and depend on each other. It doesn't mean we don't hold each other accountable, but it goes back to the public humiliation thing. It serves no purpose, other than I suppose entertaining you. You say we should all be allowed to share our opinions, but if we do, you cut us off, talk over us, or simply tell us we are wrong. You constantly contradict yourself. You tell one person one thing... and another something completely different. If you think because people don't challenge you... you are respected... you are wrong. If you think because you have power you are trusted... you are wrong. If you think because people listen when you talk they believe what you say... you are wrong. Don't believe me... just look at your record. Look at how many people have left- by choice- since you came. I wish there were a chance that you would examine your ways and perhaps even think about changing... but I know better. I know you are WAY to arrogant for that. I know you think you are the best and there is nothing that could possibly change.
But can we take a vote??

Goodbye "Perfect Friend"

It's time to say goodbye, adios, aloha... to one of my best friends. It is with mixed emotions that I give a final farewell to a constant companion... someone who was always there for me... always made me feel better... made my problems seem to melt away. Someone who was never selfish... never required anything from me... who always put me first.
Sounds like the perfect friend huh??
So why the hell would I be shutting this out of my life??
Well, it's like they say, things are not always as they seem.
See my "perfect friend" was also ruining my body and my self-esteem. I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror right now. My jeans don't fit right. I have about 25 pounds to lose. And as much as I have tried all other things... It comes down to this my "perfect friend" is the only thing holding me back.
I have become dependent on my friend to get through things... good and bad. It has been the one thing I turn to when I am depressed, but then it just makes me fat... and more depressed.
So I am stopping the viscious cycle.
Goodbye my friend...
At least for now I'm taking my last drink.
Peace out alcohol.
This last sip is for you....

Doctors & Mechanics- More Alike Than You Think

Those of you who have kept up on my blog at all know that doctors have become my lives... my saviors... and I certainly have been through enough of them to know when I have found a good one. It took me over a year... but I finally found good ones... really good ones... who cares about me... and about what's going on with me and what I need to deal with my life and the bullshit that goes along with it.
It made me think about a time less than a week ago when I was looking for a good mechanic because my car woudln't start.
They are basically the same things... doctors and mechanics... one takes car of our body...the other our bodywork... but both can fuck us over. One can lead to a big bill... the other a big hospital bill... I myself have had both!!!
I guess I just wish it weren't so difficult to find good doctors and mechanics... people you can trust, believe in. You know what... It's kind of like life. Unfortunatly, there are a lot more people out there that we can't trust, can't believe in, then there are people we can.
Back to my doctor... I am just freaking out, because he took care of my migraines. And I went through like 10 migraine medicines alredy... now I'm afraid, I'll have to do the same thing with yet another doctor. I just don't know if I can handle it!!!
AHHHH!!

Sometimes bad days just don't end...

So my bad day continued today... Our highest hopes that we would wake up... put a little more gas in the car... and get it to start... were quickly squashed!!! So my boyfriend had to drive me to work, before he went to his job. Needless to say, I arrived about an hour and a half early. So, I decided to make some phone calls about where to take my car and how the hell I was going to get my car there. After more than an hour... I had arranged to get my car to the shop that I really wanted it to be at, the one where I trusted most that they would rip me off. So my car gets there... and several hours later... I get a phone call, the dreaded phone call. My car is running now... and I can take it now, but I really need a new fuel pump. Guess how much that costs?? Oh... about $900. I also need two new tires and an oil change. I'm going to get the oil change. But they said they could rotate the tires for me, so that I could hold off on getting the new ones. Anyway... bottom line... I will end up spending about a grand on this lovely "tune up". Money, I P.S., DO NOT have. I am struggling to stay afloat right now, before this. So I had resorted to something I HATE. I am taking money from my parents. I am 28-years-old... and apparantely I still can't make it on my own. It just makes me feel like shit, like a failure. I love my parents for doing what they are doing... I just wish I didn't NEED their help. So that's two in a row... The question now... Will it ever end??

You think you had a bad day?????

So you think you had a bad day?? Let me tell you about mine. Work was fine... the usual... so we will move past that to the crash and burn part of my day. Let me start at the beginning. I had a doctor's appointment this morning, and not 5 minutes after I got into the car, my "E" light went off. That's right... no more gas. So, of course, I have no time to stop, so I continue on to my appointment. And then after that, I was late for work, so I just cruzed to work. All along, my plan was to get gas as soon as I got out of work. Well, that all got derailed when I got to work and got a couple of emails from my bank.... You can guess they weren't delivering good news. That's right... somehow I overdrew my account. In fact, one charge, they weren't going to cover. So basically now I am stuck. I have no money to buy gas. Let me say that sentence again... because even I have a hard time believing it... I HAVE NO MONEY TO BUY GAS. I called my boyfriend as I left work and told him what was going on. Of course, he came to my rescue, saying he would buy me some gas and everything would be okay. I told him he may have to come meet me, but he asked if I could make it home and then he would take my car to the gas station (so he wouldn't lose his parking spot!). I said I thought I could make it... and along I went. But something just didn't feel right. I drove the entire way home without air conditioning. Then when I got just three exits from home I called my boyfriend to ask him if he was going to come out and meet me... and disaster happened... the RPM's dropped... my car was officially out of gas. I was in the far left lane, right next to the HOV... and I had to act quickly. So I looked to my left... HOV lane clear... and I moved over to the far left median... against the center median.. which P.S. is NOT where you are supposed to park a car. I'm now on the phone with my boyfriend, all upset... I need gas... I'm stuck on the side of the road. And to make matters worse, I have no flashers. I rolled as far as I could... and then I just had to sit... I felt like a sitting duck. I cried the entire time... worried someone would plow into me... hello anxiety... I'm back!!! Finally, after 3 freaking out/ crying phone calls, my boyfriend shows up with gas. He puts 2 gallons in and we go to start my car... NOTHING. That's right... THE FUCKING CAR WON'T START. So after much cursing... switching drivers trying to turn the key.. we decide to go get 2 more gallons of gas. My boyfriend takes off... once again leaving me in this precarious position. P.S. Cars are wizzing past me so fast that my car is shaking... literally shaking. So, my boyfriend gets back with our magic gas... and then we go to start the car... AND... NOTHING!!!
By now... we have finally attracted the attention of a DPS officer... who had decided to park behind us and poke around. I am in no mood... being that I have cried at least 45 times by now and all I can hear is "my girlfriend ran out of gas"... "we can't seem to get the car started". It's then that I realize we must resort to the last resort... road side service from my insurance. I call... answer a bizillion stupid questions... and finally they decide they will send somebody out. (Oh, did I mention by now 2 DPS vehicles have arrived and now it seems to be social hour??) And it gets better... by now... I have killed my battery. That's right... my battery.. is DEAD! So about 30 minutes later my "savior"... i.e.my tow truck driver arrives. He quickly loads up my car... and tows it back to my complex. There we try to jump start it for at least 20 minutes... and you can tell it wants to start... so badly... but despite the dirty tow truck driver and my boyfriend's best efforts... we come up short. So right now.. I am car-less... frusterated... and more than over my bad day.
Think yours is better??? Prove it!!!

Aloha!

Not as in hello... but as in goodbye. I have the next week off of work... supposedly to go to Hawaii with my boyfriend, except there's a hitch. WE HAVE NO MONEY. I don't even know how I'm going to pay my bills this month. So I had to make a decision. Leaving town isn't just finding money for a plane ticket, my dogs have to be kenneled... and that practically doubles the cost of your trip. So now, I am staying and saying aloha to my boyfriend, who will be going back to help with a catering (and make money) and see his brother and twin nephews and all his friends. And I will be left here for four days... all by myself.. here's the kicker.. with no boyfriend... no work.. nothing to do.. and no money to make something happen. I am devastated. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad my boyfriend gets to go home, see his family and friends, have some good down time, AND MAKE MONEY!!! But what is my already depressed, fat ass going to do without him?? I'm just really sad... I'm sad that my boyfriend is going to be gone for 4 days (I don't think I realized until now how attached I have become to him) and I'm sad because he is going to get to do all the fun vacation things without me... and I will be here... alone... with my boys... whom I love don't get me wrong. I am just so sad at the prospect of being alone... Aloha!!

Love Dead

So yesterday I'm sitting at work when I get an email from my dad. It reads:
Do you know when the FBR Gold tourney is this year?
Dead

WTF?? I immediately respond to my dad...
Just got your email... first do you mean the FBR Open, like the golf tournament? And second, when you wrote Dead... did you mean Dad??

Turns out by gold he meant golf and dead was in fact dad.
He wrote me back saying he didn't know what happened... in fact he was a little concerned.. claiming maybe the "old age" was kicking in.
Then he signed it: Love, Dad (Dead)

It was hilarious... I'm not sure if I should be worried about my dad... but for the moment... I am just laughing.. and now I hope, so are you.

JUST TOO MUCH...

Do you ever just feel like you can't win? I am too needy... too crazy.. too impulsive... too anger management. Consequently, no one wants to hang out with me, even my own boyfriend. He thinks I am more than difficult, impossible. In fact, at times, I think he simply avoids me. Here's what I know. No.. you know what... right now.. I'm so angry, I don't know what I know. My boyfriend hates me. He thinks I am always over-reacting... he thinks I blow everything out of proportion. Let's break it down to what this fight is really about.. I have super bad PMS. I mean uncontrollable emotions... anger-management issues... I am out of control. I know it.. I can feel it... I realize it. I am well aware. Listen, I would have loved the opportunity to just go home and be at home in my comfort zone... and not have to worry about anyone else... any other interactions. But unfortunately that was not my lot in life today. My bf was all about hanging out with our friends... grilling steaks (yumm... did I mention I was a vegetarian??) and drinking scotch with the boys. Good for him.. but do I have to be involved because.. let's face it... I am in no condition to "kick it". I end up going to our friends house where my fave gf is not feeling her man either, makes it so much easier for me. We just hide out... I cry...
I cry because I feel like I am a failure... a failure for not finding him a job by now, a failure because he is not happy, a failure because he wishes more than anything he were not here.
Everyday I wake up and (ps I don't pray) but I wish that I have the strength to make it through the day. Bottom line... I am broke... more than I would ever like to admit. Would I love my bf to win Top Chef??? Would I just love my bf to get a job?? Hell Yea!!... but you wanna know what's most important to me?? Cheesy as it sounds.. that when he goes to bed at night... there is NO doubt in is mind that he wants to be with me... that we have fun together.
Of course all that also causes us pleanty of tension, I know he wants more and sometimes he takes that anger and agression out on me, he makes rude comments and then says he is kidding but I know they are designed to sting. I brought him here. To this big desert oasis wherer he still hasn't found work or a lot of his own friends. No matter what he tells you, he is bitter.. unhappy... probably angry.. and on the other side of all those emotions... ME!! Welcome to Arizona!

Fatty

So I had to go to the doctor today. And you know how they always weigh you? I never look because I have never wanted to know. But this nurse decided to announce it to me. I'm pretty sure that it is the most I have ever weighed. I am so unhappy with my body right now. I can't even fit into my jeans right anymore. And I know exactly what the problem is... drinking too much. But I am so stressed at work and then with money that sometimes I just want to escape. And then the drinking makes me snack. I'm still working out... eating good. I just start drinking after that. And what's worse... when I heard my weight... all it made me want to do, was drink. It's a viscious cycle... one that I don't know if I am strong enough to break. All I know, is I am not happy with myself, how I look. And I know that only I can change it. I just need to find the strength to stop self-medicating and stop being a fatty.

Bye, bye Rat Poison

That's right... After 1 year, 4 months and 13 days (but who is counting), I am finally weaning off Coumadin. For those who don't know, Coumadin is a blood thinner. It's designed to prevent me from getting another blood clot. But for the past several months, it hasn't been doing it's job. And it's rat poison. And it interacts with every other medication. And it makes it so I can't eat some of my favorite foods. So you can understand why I am so excited to be putting this part of my life behind me. In exactly 4 days, I will no longer be taking that shit. Instead, I will take an 81mg aspirin 2x a day. Fine by me. Aspirin is not rat poison. So to coumadin and the rat poison... I say... check ya later!

Sleeping Beauty...

Yet another night we had planned to spend together. I called my boyfriend on my way home from work with great news. I didn't have to go to work until noon tomorrow because I had to work later so that meant we could hang out tonight and I wouldn't have to worry about getting up for work and since he doesn't have a job... well I thought we could have a couple of drinks and a good time. Great plan in theory. We took the dogs for a walk when I got home. Then I did pilates and we had dinner. Then we had a couple of drinks, worked on some resumes for my boyfriend online and watched some tv... but just like in a fairytale... at midnight... my prince turned into a pumpkin and was passed out on the couch while I just kicked it. Another quality night... of semi-quality time.

Loss of control- Part 4

So you, I'm sure like everyone else in my life, think that as soon as I got released from the hospital, the worst was over. Well you, like just about everyone else in my life, would be WRONG. I saw more doctors in the next two weeks than I did when I was in the hospital. One of whom was a hematologist who gave me some fantastic news. We know why I developed a blood clot, at least in part. I have a very rare clotting disorder- Factor 20210A Mutation. It basically puts me at a way higher risk of developing a blood clot than the average person. It also, according to the hematologist, meant I needed to be on coumadin(AKA rat poison) for 1 year. As if that weren't enough, I also had to deal with some major side effects from going off the birth control. I now had awful PMS and killer cramps, debilitating cramps. I saw my gyno who believes I probably have endometriosis, but without doing an invasive scope, we can't really confirm. She doesn't want to do the scope because of the clotting disorder, but would like to treat me with endometriosis medication. The problem... it, like so many other medicines, interferes with my coumadin. So for now, it's pain killers for the cramps. Then there is the anxiety attacks. They happened every day at least a handful of times a day before I finally went to the ER, afraid I had another clot in my lung since I couldn't breathe during them. Instead, they told me I was just having anxiety. Just anxiety... it was supposed to be better, but if you have never had an anxiety or panic attack, let me try to clue you in. It feels like you can't breathe, like someone is squeezing your chest so hard your lungs will collapse. It is incredibly scary. But after experiencing 5 a day for a while, I learned that you have to try to relax and breath through them. Sometimes it works... other times, I was just a mess until it would pass. I went on medication to try and treat that. And then came the migraines. Brutal migraines like I had never experienced before. They were blinding and almost debilitating. As I started to pay attention to them, I realized many of them came in the week before my period. Then I learned about a little thing called menstrual migraines. Yes, it's true.. tied to your cycle. Once again, I had to get a daily medication to try and prevent them. My life was supposed to be better post-blood clot right? I was supposed to feel lucky to be alive. But I gotta tell you, it's really hard when around every corner is a new medical challenge. When losing one pill, put me on three other ones. It has been one year and three months since I was released from the hospital and I am STILL dealing with medical issues related to my blood clot, my coumadin, my PMS, my anxiety, my migraines and my cramps. But here's the thing, aside from educating myself as much as possible, there isn't much I can do. My health... how I am going to feel from one day to the next, is really out of my control. And that is perhaps the most frustrating feeling ever. I nearly died... I know I should just be grateful to be alive... but like the saying goes.. nothing in life is free.

Quality Time...

So it's Friday night and after a long and stressful week at work, I was really looking forward to spending some quality time with my boyfriend. First, of course, we had to go see our friend whose birthday it was. I was not in the best mood (dealing with a headache, cramps and the fact that I had not taken my medicine all day), but I sucked it up. We hung out. Me with the birthday girl and my boyfriend with her husband playing video games. Then, hours later we went home, for our quality time, right? Wrong! By this time my boyfriend is fucked up... not making sense... no fun to hang out with. And then, less than an hour after we got home... he was ready to go to bed. Great Friday night!! Really enjoyed my quality time.

Loss of control- Part 3

Overall.. I can't really complain about my time in the hospital. I was constantly visited by friends, my mom flew in to take care of my dogs and me, and I had amazing care from my nurses and doctors. So... it would seem that my hospital stay was peachy-keen. But as I look back, I realize that I had my first anxiety attack in that hospital bed. It happened the second night. I had a few friends over (over to my hospital room- how weird does that sound??) We were just hanging out, having a great time, when all of a sudden I started to feel like I couldn't breathe and my chest was being squeezed in. I called my nurse, who called the lung specialist. They checked my lungs (for fear of more clots, or moving clots) and my oxygen levels. Everything tested fine, but still they put me on complete bed rest for the next 2 days, just in case. It was awful. But I did my best to get through it.
The other thing I hated... the blood draws... every 4 hours for the entire six days I was there... even in the middle of the night. In case you are having trouble with your math... that's 36 pricks in 6 days!!! I looked like a heroin user when I was finally released.
My life was no longer on my schedule. Everyone else made all the decisions for me... what time I ate, what medicines I got, when they took my blood, when I could get out of bed. My life was literally in their hands... and as a result, so was my control.

Letting it go!

Is this how it's always going to be?? Bitter, angry, aggressive?? It's certainly not how I pictured my forever after. I just don't understand. He is so amazing most of the time... and then he can be so mean, so hurtful. But more disturbing is that I feel like he holds on to every thing he gets really mad at me for. Instad of talking to me about the situation, he buries it, until it boils over and then he explodes and really acts like an ass. But everything he has said... HE REALLY MEANT. AND HE REALLY BELIEVES IS THE TRUTH. It scares me to death. Is this how my life is going to be... forever and ever? He is the man I want to be with. But I don't want to feel like I am walking on egg shells. Like I have to be careful what I say, because it will haunt me for the rest of my life. Bottom line... we are both going to fuck up... say the wrong thing, hurt eachother's feelings. And we are allowed to be angry and hurt. But we need to be able to talk to each other and let it go... for real... forever... My concern... can we both do this??

Loss of control- Part 2

One night, my calf was so swollen I was afraid to go to bed because I thought it was going to burst.
Not one... not two... not three.. but four phone calls to my doctor.. all of them repeatedly telling them about the extreme pain I was in.
I never got a call back.
I went in to my Friday doctor's appointment thinking... "Ha! He's going to take one look at me and realize that I wasn't lying, that I am in excruitiating pain, that he should have returned my phone call."
Well... I got that... and so much more.
He (an orthopedic specialist) took one look at my leg and I could tell something was wrong... really wrong. He left the room... and I heard him outside, calling someone and telling them he needed to get a patient in immediately for tests.
He then came back in to my room and asked me if I had any family here. By now, totally freaked out, I am crying. Through my tears, I told him no. And he informed me that I was going to be taken over to the hospital to have an ultra sound to see if I had a blood clot in my leg and that this was a very serious... life threatening... situation.
Then, he disappeared. I guess I would too if I had ignored 4 of my patient's phone calls.
His nurse helped me outside where an old man driving a golf cart picked me up. He took me over to the ER of the hospital across the street and dropped me off. I sobbed the entire way.
I went in, told them who I was and they took me back and drew some blood and stuff. Then sent me back out to the waiting room to... wait.
While sitting there... I made phone calls... to my mom... my closest friends...
Thank god one of my friends was off of work and she said she would rush right over to be with me.
Everything is kind of a blur... but I remember them taking me in a wheel chair to get my ultra sound of my leg, checking for a blood clot.
When the technician was done, she said I didn't have to get up, she would just push me back on the bed.
As I was wheeled into my curtained room in the ER, I looked at my friend and said "I don't think this is a good sign, do you?"
Minutes later, my ER doctor walked in... to give me the first of a long list of bad news...
I had a blood clot... but not just any old blood clot... one that stretched from my ankle to my mid-thigh.
Then he asked me if I had any shortness of breath lately. I told him yes.. in the past couple of days. But I thought it was from the pain.
Next I was wheeled off to have a CT scan of my lungs.. to see if there were any clots there.
Either way, I was being admitted to the hospital. So I was wheeled upstairs... and into a room where a doctor came to talk to me. Thank god I had friends with me, because by this time, I was in shock... I had nothing to say, no words, no idea what questions I should be asking.
The doctor was great. He spent 45 minutes in my room going over all the situations and how we would treat them. He answered all of my friends questions (since I had apparently gone mute). Then he told me he would come back after we got the CT results. Not 5 minutes later, he was back... with my second round of bad news. I had 2 small blood clots in my right lung. I was moved to the telemetry floor and put on a heart monitor. And my stay in the hospital was bumped from 2 to at least 5 days.

Loss of control- Part 1

Control... it's apparently something I have a huge problem with...
Okay... not "apparently"... really. Let's just say it. I am a control freak. I am probably a pain in the ass to be around. I probably annoy the shit out of those who have to spend any amount of time with me (i.e. my co-workers, good friends and certainly my boyfriend). It's not something that I am oblivious to. It's not something I am not working on. But really... the bottom line is I can't seem to let go.
I think I've always been a more "in control person" than other people. But, my "death scare" really brought my whole world crashing down... and further escalated my control-ness (Is that a word??? It is now!!)
But what I have realized is that I was pre-programmed for control issues long before my first hospitalization.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning...
A time when a 4-year-old girl realized something she has said and done had completely changed her life and the life of her family forever.
A time when I couldn't really comprehend what had happened to me, but I could understand the reaction of those around me. My mom was depressed and completely pulled away. In hind sight I know she was blaming herself, but at the time it felt like whatever I had said, had pushed my mom away, like she didn't love me any more.
I had to go to counseling. Something I can't even begin to tell you about because I decided that blocking out that time in my life would be easier than remembering all the hurt and pain... things that at 4-years-old I worried I had caused. My parents were fighting... because my mom was depressed and absent and my dad couldn't handle me and my sister and his job and faking like everything is okay.
At age 4 did I understand how profoundly this would affect the rest of my life? No way! But you can bet that kids are way smarter and way more in tune than you think they are. They sense tension, they feel if there is a problem and they can even blame themselves. I should know.
Bottom line... whether I realized it or not... now I know that was the first time I lost control of my life. And probably from then on... I have always sought that control...

Trust...

"I'm not ready to talk"
If only it were that easy. For a 3 year old, that is accepted, but in my world, HELL NO!!
Let me explain... that was the exact response this morning from my friend's 3-year-old... but in all fairness, she has just spent a week without her mom.
Bottom line for me... kids are adorable... I love to hold them, feed them, rock them, love them, but I am certainly not ready to have them!!!
COPY??? I AM NOT READY TO HAVE THEM!!
Right now, I am committed to my work... my job that I love. But I also fear is in danger... danger because for some reason the people I have trusted most, have turned against me...
But that's not even an issue... because there is so much more with my health that has to go in to having a baby... but that's not even worth the fight... so we will move on..
And I will, as I have promised to do, learn more about those people who I can trust and those I can not...

A volatile relationship...

What is a volitale relationship?? Is it a good thing?? A bad thing?? Perhaps a little bit of both. I know when you take the word volatile on its own.. it has negative connotations. But I can't help but think I kind of have a volatile realationship and I don't neccessarily think it is a bad thing. Let me explain... first of all... I am completely in love... with an amazing man who loves me just as much. But as anyone who knows me will tell you... I am also a very passionate, very emotional person. That means when you piss me off, hurt me feelings, etc... it doesn't just slide off my back. I, for good or bad, found myself a man who, for a man, is emotional too. He is sensitive to criticism... and people not supporting him or having his back. Sometimes, our emotions collide... sometimes we have a volitale relationship. We yell... not name-calling or in a mean/hurtful way, but we yell! Sometimes we pout and shut each other out for a period of time. We do fight hard.... but we also make up hard... and we are learning to communicate well with each other. And more importantly than that... I think it all stems from the fact that we love each other so much. Are we volatile?? At times.. yes... but... in the end... we are always loving each other... always there for each other. In the end... we are each other's best friends, partners-in-crime, he is the love of my life. Do we fight hard... hell yeah! But we make up quickly... learn something about each other... and move on. Maybe it's volitale. But I wouldn't trade it in for anything!!!

Never Right...

Ever feel like you are never right... never good enough... never working hard enough... never doing the right thing...
So goes my life... from work to home... I can't help but feel like I am always doing something wrong, despite the fact that I swear I am always busting my ass.
At work, I barely even take a break to pee, but still I always feel like I am not enough, not working hard enough, not doing enough, not good enough. I am constantly feeling like me and my job are in jeopardy. It's a very compromising place to be, especially in these economic times.
And then I come home, to a place where I should be able to put it all behind me. But still, I am not good enough. I have not done enough, am not supportive enough, am too demanding... whatever the charges may be... I am just plain not right. I always try to be supportive... loving... caring. I've been doing everything in my power to support my partner and help him in any way possible. But still it is not right... and never enough.
I guess I am just sick of trying so hard...both at work and at home... and feeling like a failure. I don't know what I can possibly do, at either place, to make people understand how important success is to me... in both my career and my relationship.
It would be a lot easier if I could just be like "fuck off" to all of those who don't realize how hard I try... but unfortunately that's not how it works for me. Unfortunately... in the end... I just end up feeling like I'm never right.

Creating My Crazy...

Am I creating my crazy?? It's an interesting question... one posed to me tonight by my friend, well not by my friend, but by a book she was reading. Essentially it said that mental illness comes from us not being able to handle things not being perfect, or always being happy in our lives; that mental illness was really the result of us complaining about our lives being so difficult for such a long period of time, that we don't realize that no one's life is perfect. Other people are just choosing not to bitch about it everyday, instead to pick up the pieces... do the best they can and move on. It is an incredibly interesting theory. One that really has me thinking about how much of my crazy I have created. Do I think I could probably make better decisions for myself at times?? Absolutely. But do I think that my mental health would be fine if I just accepted the fact that everyone has hard times... NO FUCKING WAY. The book talked about not denying... not running away.. not hiding from problems. Well, I've done that in my life. And I can tell you right now, I am not. I am facing all of my problems, all of my issues head on. I am fighting as hard as I can, everyday, to find inner peace, to believe in myself, to love myself, to have the feeling of control over my life I so badly need, to not take things too personally, to try and let things go... I AM FIGHTING. Do I have mental illness??? It's probably one of the hardest things to say... or admit to myself, but yes. But I'm not just taking it lying down. I'm not just popping a bunch of pills and calling it a day. No, everyday I get up with the goal of being a better person. Everyday I work on making myself whole, feeling good again. And everyday, I take a step in the direction of getting off my medication. I just know it's so much easier if you are not in the glass house to throw the stones. And while I know everyone's bottom line is wanting to help... you want to know what the best help is... LOVE AND SUPPORT. It truly is that simple. Now if only I knew the cure for crazy.......

T-Minus 17 Hours To Invasion...

I am just 17 short (LONGEST HOURS OF MY LIFE) away from meeting my boyfriend. We are picking up his truck in L.A. and then driving home... together... to our home... where we will be living and no one will be leaving. I feel like I have been waiting for this day to come for so long. I am so excited and so nervous all at the same time. Not about my decision, or his decision. I just want him to be happy. I want to make him happy and I am so afraid that living with me, really being with me will pop this pretty little bubble he has of who I am. I know I haven't been anyone but myself with him. And I know that he knows more than anyone my struggles. I guess what my problem is... is that I can't quite understand why he loves me so much still. Why he still thinks I'm so amazing and wonderful and is willing to move 3000 miles away from everything he knows... for me... this crazy, unstable, bitchy girl. I love him even more for loving me like that. But I think I am just afraid that like every other man in my life (except my dad) he is going to disappoint. He is going to realize, I am just too much too handle, too difficult, too overwhelming... and bail. I feel like that is what they have all done. I feel like that is what people at work think about me... what some of my closest (or once closest friends) think about me... even perhaps what my therapist thinks about me. I am an overwhelming nut job!! Here's what I know... I love him more than I have ever loved any person. I need him in my life. I can't wait to share the rest of my life with him. And all I can do, is hope that he thinks my quirks... my craziness, my wackiness is as cute in person, as he has for all these months over the phone. He is my soul mate... I hope he knows it, feels it, wants it, just as badly as I do.

Mood Swing Sally

So for real... I am crazy. I am having the worst mood swings ever. Mood swings that I can see happening but can not control. I know why I am irritated, and I do have a right to be irritated, but I do not have a right to act like I have been acting. I am acting like a child. It's ridiculous. The problem... even though I can see it happening, I can't stop it. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?? Imagine watching yourself act crazy, almost like you are a ghost floating outside of your body, knowing that you should stop yourself or change your behavior.. or at the very least... apologize, but still NOT being able to do it. All that does is make you more frustrated. It is a viscious cycle. I hate it... I wish more than anything I had control over my life, my feelings, my reactions. Here's the thing... I am on medications.. I have been working on my "mental state" for at least 9 months. I'm sick of still feeling out of control, I'm sick of stil feeling like something is wrong with me, I'm sick of being crazy. Perhaps it is my lot in life, and the sooner I accept it, the better off I will be. I just want to be better, to be able to have a conversation with my boyfriend without intentionally making him feel badly and then getting off the phone and 10 minutes later being like WTF???? I am the biggest bitch ever!!! I am a mood swing mess... I just hope that I can manage to get myself together before I lose the best thing I've ever had.

T-minus 8 days to invasion

I'm being invaded... by a boy!!! In 8 days my long distance love will be up close and personal. He's moving 3,000 miles... and moving in. I'm super excited, in fact I can't wait for it to happen. I am counting down the days/hours/minutes. But everyone I tell has the same reaction. It goes a little something like this:
(scrunch your face)
"Have you ever lived with a boyfriend before?"
Me- "No"
"(Deep inhale through the mouth) Oh"

Am I missing something here?? Listen... I don't expect it to be smooth sailing. I don't expect that we aren't going to get into fights sometimes and get on each others nerves and that there aren't going to be some kinks in the road that we are going to have to work out, but here's what I think everyone else is missing. This isn't just some guy that lives 2 miles away that I have now decided to move in with. This is a guy that I have be in a committed very serious, very long distance relationship for a year now. Something neither of us would have EVER done unless it just had to be done. I think we've certainly already had more bumps in the road that most relationships. We've never really had that "honeymoon period". Ours last for 4 days or 1 week or maybe if we are lucky 2... but in the end, we both know that one of us is about to leave the other... and go a LONG way away!!! Call me crazy... call me naive. But I just really feel like this is right. And the next person that asks me if I have ever lived with a boyfriend before... and then gives me that "poor pathetic you, you have know idea what you're in for, your relationship is doomed face" is really going to get it. Just giving you all fair warning.

Almost Lovers

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

My sister gave me this CD and on it was this song... It's called "Almost Lovers" by A Fine Frenzy. The first time I heard it, I was drawn to it. I didn't know why. I am in a great relationship. I have an amazing lover. I had no idea why I kept wanting to hear this "Almost Lovers" song. Then today it hit me... I have an almost lover. I think we all have at least one almost lover. It doesn't diminish the relationship we have now, or make it any less special. It doesn't mean we are in the wrong relationship, it is just a significant person in our past that will always have a special place. I actually think it's those past relationships that shape our present one. They teach us about how we want to be in relationships, what is important to us, what we will put up with and what is absolutely unacceptable to us. They are the reasons for all our insecurities and our requirements for a partner. I think understanding our past relationships are vital to having a healthy present one. I have no regrets from my past relationships, in fact if anything, I feel bad for the guys... I mean.. look what they missed out on!!!

Belly Laugh- Apply Here

We all need a laugh... I suggest you get yours at the new movie "The Hangover". Seriously THE FUNNIEST MOVIE I HAVE SEEN POSSIBLY... NO FOR REAL... EVER!!! I laughed from beginning to end. So hard my belly hurt. And I had already heard how funny this movie was, so I already had high expectations, meaning I went in, expecting to be slightly disappointed. Instead, I was blow out of the water... seriously... laughing... so hard... my stomach hurt. Any way.. point is... everyone.. especially right now in our lives... needs a good laugh... a good time... a good release. Go see "The Hangover"... Laugh your ass off...

Letting go...

I am learning to let go... to let go of the negativity, the anger, the resentment, the hurt. I have realized that all of these bad feelings are only weighing me down. They are not affecting the people that I feel them toward. So, I am left to carry this bad energy. It's sucking the life out of me. I have way too much going on to carry one more thing around with me. I can't do it. Why should I do it? What good is it doing me? Nothing is coming of it. The only person feeling bad in this situation, is me. So I need to let go. That doesn't mean I need to forget what I know and protect myself in the future. But it does mean, I need to let go of the past. Like the old saying goes "to forgive, but not to forget". The only difference here is usually forgiveness is proceeded by an apology, but that unfortunately just isn't going to happen because of the situation that I am in, and so that is just another part that I am going to have to let go of. This is a huge test for me, because closure is kind of my thing. But in this case, I'm afraid closure is just not possible and what I have realized is holding on to this is destroying me. So everyday I am going to wake up.. take a big deep breath... and tell myself I am letting it all go. Maybe one day I will wake up and it will actually be gone.

Daddy

The first man to ever hold my hand.
The first man to kiss me goodnight.
The first man to soothe me to sleep.
The first man to ever make me feel safe.

The first man to encourage my dreams.
The first man to make me realize how special I am.
The first man to tell me to settle for nothing less than success.
The first man to believe I was more than a housewife.

The first man to tell me I was beautiful.
The first man to instill in me a sense of self worth.
The first man to make me understand what I deserved from the people in my life.
The first man to pick me up and dust me off when I was let down.

The first man to wipe away my tears.
The first man to tell me it was going to be alright and really make me believe it.
The first man who could make me feel better without saying a word.
The only man who has yet to break my heart.

My dad...
My friend...
My confidante...
The man I've always admired, looked up to and felt lucky to have.

Poison in the room

Did you know it only takes one drop to poison your food, one seed to poison a garden, one person to poison an entire room??
One person to poison an entire group of people, to take good people and make them do things they would never normally do, act like they would never normally act, treat each other like they would not think about treating each other before.
It's amazing the power one person can have over many. The worst part... the "one" is the cause of all the problems. But because of the "one's" perceived power, everyone else would rather turn on each other, than stand together. People that have been friends, respected each other, been there for each other for years... are now instead backing down, saying nothing, or worse yet, actually throwing someone else under the bus. It's quite possibly one of the most despicible things I have seen... at least since junior high. I don't respect it... I don't believe it in.. I don't want anything to do with it. If only it were that simple...

My best friend....

My best friend... for a long time.... it was cigarettes. The tempting nicottine that was always there for me. It was a friend I could always count on, a friend that never betrayed me and always had my back. That is until he tried to kill me. Then I had to drop him... in a hurry. Now, it seems, I have found a new best friend, the only one I can really count on in my life right now, the one who is there for me when I need him, the only one who doesn't have his own "shit" or "plans" or "alterior motives"... it's alcohol. I know I have high standards, but are they so high that only addictive behaviors will do?? I know I'm not always the easiest person to deal with, but is this what my life has become?? I know I'm not an alcoholic.. I don't eat, breathe and sleep alcohol. I don't have to have it every day, but I am depending more and more on it. It has become more and more important to me as a tool to get by, my best friend that I rely on to get through the end of today and face tomorrow. I wish more than anything I had a person that I could really rely on, that could take this evil place. And I hope that is my future very soon.... until then... cheers.

Asshole Horn Blowers

In the last three days, I have managed to be honked at 3 times, all of them by ASSHOLE DRIVERS. Now let me get one thing straight. I have nothing against the horn. If you aren't paying attention at the light, I'll honk at you. If you try to move into my lane without seeing me, I'll honk at you. Those my friends are appropriate uses of the horn... THESE ARE NOT!!!!
1. I was going to get onto the freeway and it was a metered ramp. There was no one in front of me, but still there is a light, so I stopped, waiting for the green. Just then the asshole behind me honks at me. WTF? Listen, I am all about driving fast, but not about running red lights. Chill out mother f-er.
2. I was driving my friend home and we had both my dogs in the car and somehow Joey had managed to sneak onto my lap (totally not allowed). We were stopped at a red light, and I was trying to get some crap out of poor Oscar's eye. The light turns green and I start to go but apparently not fast enough for the asshole behind me who honks and then whips into the turn lane next to me to turn a milisecond before I did.
3. I was leaving my friend's house, trying to turn out onto a very busy road without a middle turn lane to ease the situation. It happened to be a heavy traffic time and it seemed like every time there were no cars coming from my left, there were cars coming from my right. You can't just turn when half the traffic is open because there is literally no place to go, but this asshole in a huge moving truck decides that I am not moving fast enough and honks at me. Really?? Where do you want me to go with traffic coming from all directions.
There should be a new law against blatant mis-use of the horn. Pay attention people. I know you are in a hurry, so am I. I know you would like to get going, so would I. But I am not God. I can not make red lights, green. And I am not about to endanger myself... or my dogs for your stupid ass... so chill the fuck out... and lay off the horns. I'll tell you when you have a right to use them... and it is never when it is directed at me!!!!!!

A Million Little Pieces

I'm not really sure how I got here, but I know it's a place I certainly thought I would never be. I have always loved my job. I love what I do, the fast pace of it, the way things are constantly changing, even the pressure. But more than that, I loved the people that I worked with. They were more than co-workers, they were friends. And now, things are completely different. I don't know who to trust, don't know who is on my side, but worst off, I feel incredibly alone. Ever been in a room full of people and just felt like you were standing in the middle of the Sahara Desert? I miss the way things used to be, the way we used to treat each other, the way we used to care about each other. I miss my friends. I always told people how lucky I was to have a job that I loved. But what I have realized is maybe it's more important to have co-workers that you love. They are the ones that help you get through the day, good or bad... have your back and always understand what you are going through. I'm so confused... and so sad... sad that my wonderful work world that I totally took for granted has been shattered into a million little pieces, pieces I'm not quite sure will ever come back together again.

Betrayed

Betrayed... I think at least in my most recent dealings, there is no worse feeling, nothing worse you can do to a person/friend than to betray them. I Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, however you wish to look at it, I have realized that I haven't just been betrayed by one person I thought I could trust... thought was my friend, but at least two. The wounds in my back are deep. It's a pain unlike anything I've felt in years. I just don't "let people in". I don't just make anyone my friend. I have very high standards. In return, I hope that I always return those standards for my friends. But what I have now realized is that something else... something non-friendship related has become more important than I have. And sad but true, in this case, in these times, I think it it may be economic security. These people have been going behind my back... threatening my livelihood... without allowing me a say at all!!!!!!! My job is my life... I love what I do... but right now... I hate going to work. It truly is a sad situation. Everyday I feel like the majority of the people are out to get me. And on top of that, my friends have decided that saving their own asses have become more important than being honest with me about what is going on with mine. It's a position I hope I never sell myself in to....

Human Punching Bag

Step right up.... Step right up...
Take your swing at the human punching bag...
She's cute... she's bitchy... she'll stand still...
It's my lot in life... to be everyone's punching bag...
Everyone's favorite punch line...
Hope you all are enjoying your laughs... because whether or not you see it... I'm too busy crying.
Tell me I'm too sensitive... I care too much... Then try to tell my how that makes me bad at my job.
Tell me I'm over-reacting... that's not what you meant... Then tell me how much you love me.
Tell me I just don't understand... it's not what it looks like... Then tell me you would still tell me anything.
The point is... if I were a dummy standing in the middle of this room... I'd have a lot of knives in my back... sad but true.
You can believe you put one their or not. That's totally up to you. What I know, is I have very little faith... in very little people... and that... is a sad place to be in.

Lonely for control

Do you ever feel like you are living your life in a dream? Like at times you are watching parts go by, but not really participating? Or at other times, watching from the outside... yelling about how you want to change things, or say something different, but no one can hear you? Do you ever feel like your life, this life that is so amazing from the outside... is so out of control you don't know what to do about it?? Control... it seems to be the one thing I keep coming back to in my life. I panic/have anxiety attacks whenever I feel like I'm losing/lost it. It's perhaps THE most important thing to me right now, being in control of my life, EVERYTHING in my life. You think it's silly. Of course no one can be in control of everything in their life. You're right, you can't, yet still I try. And when I fail, I go into panic mode. Why?? I'm not exactly sure, but as far as I can tell, it stems from the fact that a little over a year ago, I completely lost control of my life and almost lost it. So now, maybe, if I just hold on tight enough...
Really it's just driving me crazy. And probably the people in my life too. I need to know what's going on with them, so I can make sure that I am being the best friend, best girlfriend, best employee, best co-worker. It's exhausting. And the bottom line is, I can't do it all. Not everyone is going to be happy with me all the time. I need to be happy with myself. I know that. And I could say it over and over in my head a bigillion times, but it doesn't make it hurt any less when my friend is not supportive of who I am right now or what I am doing, or my boss doesn't like the way I approach things and thinks I'm a bitch, or my boyfriend doesn't want to talk to me and needs his own time and space. If you think you question my decisions... you should be inside my head. I question everything I say... think... do. Do you have any idea how exhausting that is?? Tell me that it doesn't matter what other people think about you, only what you think about yourself. I'll tell you BULLSHIT~! I don't need everyone to like me.. but when the people you count on suddenly aren't there... this world can feel very lonely.

I HATE VITAMIN K

I HATE VITAMIN K. WHO EVEN HEARD OF IT?? I MEAN VITAMIN C... A... D... E... YEAH... THOSE I'VE HEARD OF, BUT K??? WTF? DID SOMEONE JUST MAKE THAT UP? I WISH, BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IT IS RUINING MY LIFE. YOU SEE VITAMIN K AND MY LITTLE FRIEND COUMADIN... DON'T GET ALONG, MEANING WHILE I'M ON THE COUMADIN (WHICH P.S. IS NOW OVER A YEAR) I CAN'T PARTAKE IN THE V-K. YOU MAY BE SAYING SO WHAT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT VITAMIN K IS, SO IT MUST NOT BE THAT IMPORTANT. WELL, IT IS IN ALL MY FAVORITE FOODS... BASICALLY ALL GREEN VEGETABLES... BROCCOLI... ASPARAGUS... SPINICH. AND GET THIS... IT'S EVEN IN CRANBERRY JUICE AND THEY WANT TO TAKE AWAY MY ALCOHOL TOO?!!! F-THEM. WHEN I LEFT THE HOSPITAL THEY SAID EAT VITAMIN K, JUST ONE SERVING A DAY. WELL NOW I DO MY OWN RESEARCH, ONLY TO LEARN THAT ONE SERVING A DAY, IS WAY TOO MUCH. I'M BASICALLY POISONING THE RAT POISON (THAT'S WHAT COUMADIN IS, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW). SO FOR ALL THIS TIME I'VE BEEN THINKING I'VE BEEN DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT, WHEN IN FACT, I COULDN'T BE MORE WRONG. I BLAME THE DOCTORS AND NURSES OUT THERE WHO SHOULD BE TELLING ME THESE THINGS... THE NUTRITIONIST I SAW BEFORE I LEFT THE HOSPITAL. I GUESS THIS IS JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF WHY YOU HAVE TO BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE, EDUCATE YOURSELF ABOUT YOUR HEALTH. BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY OTHERWISE YOU'LL BE LEFT IN THE DARK... TO BE STABBED IN THE BACK BY VITAMIN K... JUST LIKE I WAS!

If you would like to educate yourself more, check out this very useful website I found www.coumadin.com.

Crazy & I didn't even know it

Am I really that crazy?? All this time I have been trying to tell myself that the people who say these things about me, just don't understand. They just don't really support me. They just don't really care. But tonight, I finally realized, I'm pretty sure everyone thinks these things about me. I just have a few select friends and family members who see how hard I am trying and have decided to try to spare me. But the bottom line is... I must be crazy. Crazy and I didn't even know it. It's weird. I know what it is like to feel lost and not like myself and that is totally NOT how I feel now. I feel more like my true self, myself before all this happened than I have in months, yet others still look at me and see a completely different person, and apparently, a person many of them don't like, or are fed up with, or are tired of. Their big complaint is all the same... I repeat myself, over and over, without realizing when to stop or when to let go. I thought I realized when I was doing it, and I was working really hard not to do it. But apparently, it has not been working, because the complaints just keep rolling in. And if they don't come directly to me, they come behind my back. I'm not sure which hurts more. To have your friends tell you how crazy they think you are or to just have them talk about it behind your back. I've tried for weeks... hell months to let these things roll off my back and just focus on me getting better, me feeling better. But the bottom line is, it hurts. It hurts to know people are talking about how crazy you are. And it hurts to not even realize it is happening or know how to fix it. You know what really made me realize it was true... when I asked a friend, who I know is on my side, and she hesitated as she said "no, you don't really do that". How can you not know that you are doing something?? I don't know what's wrong with me... and I don't know how to fix it. It is the story of my life... at least for the past year. I guess it's no wonder I'm crazy.

My Mom

It's inevitable. As teenagers we never truly appreciate our parents, we treat them like shit and think we are the victims. Then we grow up. This was most definitely the case with my mom. When I look back now, I can not believe how rude and disrespectful I was to her. There were years when we couldn't have a conversation without it ending in yelling and door slamming. Now, I have no idea what I would do without her.
Last year, when I was hospitalized for 6 days, she hopped the first flight out to be with me. She stayed at my house and took care of my dogs, even letting them sleep with her despite the fact that she isn't what you would call a "dog lover". Not only did she take care of my dogs, but she took care of me. I don't know how I would have made it through without her.
And in the year since then, she has been an amazing outlet for me, always listening to my concerns, my craziness, the new problem that has popped up. She offers me advice, listens to me cry, assures me that I am going to get through this, tells me how strong I am, encourages me to keep fighting.
Sometimes, unfortunately, I think it takes these kind of life changing events for us to realize the amazing people we have in our lives. Today, I feel lucky to have a Mom who is an inspiration, a rock, a friend, an encourager, a healer, a constant support.
If I am ever a mom... I hope I can do as good a job for my child, as she has done for me.

Survivor

One year ago today... my life flashed before my eyes. In the blink of an eye, I ended up in the hospital with an Emergency Room doctor telling me I had a blood clot in my leg the size of Texas... and two clots that had broken off and traveled to my right lung. I spent the next 6 days in the hospital.. learning all about how lucky I was that I didn't die. I had probably been walking around with that ticking time bomb for at least three weeks... and if one of those chunks of clot that traveled through my heart had been just a little bit bigger... that would have been it.
May 9th, 2008 my world forever changed, I forever changed.
In the aftermath, I learned I had a clotting disorder which would make me susceptible to blood clots like this for the rest of my life. It also came with a laundry list of other side effects, like it can make it difficult to get pregnant, and if you do get pregnant, it will be a high risk pregnancy.
I was also immediately taken off birth control and told never to go back on it again. As a result my hormones went wacko, literally. I began having migraines, severe cramps and crazy PMS.
And then there was the worst part... the anxiety. I started having anxiety attacks... sometimes up to five times a day. They are undescribable, except to say that I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.
As a result, I am on medications to control my world and blood thinners.
There were some very dark times, and some times where I didn't feel like myself. I feel much better now, but I have forever been changed. I have always been a control freak, but I think now it is even worse. I want to control everything I possibly can in my life, because I know what it is like to lose control. I lost control of my health and that is a feeling I don't ever want to have again. One year later I am no where near recovered... or past this... but I am coping and learning and trying to be the best person I can be.
There have been some positives in all of this, I learned that I have a very rare clotting disorder that could have presented itself later, and the older you get the more likely you are to die from a blood clot.
I quit smoking... and so today also marks the one year anniversary of my last cigarette.
And I realized how strong a person I really am. No matter what anyone says to me, or thinks about where I am or where I should be, I know what I have been through. And I dare anyone to go through all that I have, and not come out a little bit scarred. If you went through this I guarentee you would understand what it is like to really be a fighter.
I'm not trying to pretend like I'm the only one who has faced tough times... I know they are all around us. I'm just saying I'm proud to say on my one year anniversary... I KNOW that I truly am a survivor.

Perfect Partner

Listen up ladies... I have a new theory when it comes to picking the perfect man. It goes a little something like this: If you are not good at something, find a boyfriend who is.
Think I'm crazy?? Or totally off base about what is important when picking a partner, it's totally working for me!!
I suck at cooking and have no desire to learn. Who am I dating? A professional chef. It couldn't be better. I get great food and I don't have to cook it.
I have no idea about car stuff. My boyfriend washes his own car, changes his own oil, knows what that stuff is under the hood!! He's not a mechanic, but he will certainly be able to save me some time and money.
Not only is he good with the car.. he is just plain good at fixing things... and the best part. He loves doing things for me.
This is what we all need... someone to pick up the slack where our talents are lacking... (The key here ladies is you too have to be good at something, which luckily I am!!!!!)

Grandma??

So as I previously mentioned, I have a ghost, whom I've come to believe is my Grandma. Well today I think she may have turned off my alarm clock. You see, I know I set it and I know it went off, because I hit snooze once like I always do and then nothing. So, then I woke up totally late and my alarm clock was off. So one of two things happened, either I turned it off in my sleep (which is kind of difficult to do since you have to slide this button and I had already woken up because it went off once) or my Grandma the ghost decided I needed more rest and turned it off for me. It seems like a Grandma thing to do. And you know they say one of the only way ghosts can make their presence know is through electronics. Listen, I'm not saying for sure it happened, but I'm just throwing it out there. But the day I come home and there is fresh baked cookies in the oven... I will know for sure Grandma was at work... damn she made the best cookies. Love you Grandma... where ever you are!

Take That!

So as previously mentioned... I am reading this amazing book called The Survivors Club by Ben Sherwood, and when you get to the end, you have the opportunity to go online and take a survivors profile test, essentially a test to tell you what type of survivor you are, what your skills are, what you do well when tested. So tonight I did it. And these are my results....

Your Survivor Type: FIGHTER


Your Survivor IQ tells you precisely which kind you are. After analyzing your answers, it’s clear that you’re a Fighter. To deserve this description, you don’t have to punch like Muhammad Ali or refuse to surrender like John McCain. While fighters come in every size and shape, they share one critical trait: They attack adversity head on with purpose and determination. Against any odds, they’re driven to succeed and won’t stop till they achieve their goals. When you’re a Fighter, you never stop attacking. Even at your lowest, you still find a way to bounce back and counterpunch. You have a passion for life and seize every day with zest and zeal. You’ve got the willpower and determination to struggle, resist and overcome even in the face of formidable opposition. Maybe you’re courageous and brave. Maybe you’re aggressive and competitive. Maybe you’re stubborn and unyielding. No matter, you get pumped up by the heat of battle. You push yourself to be the best. You’re motivated by a sense of purpose or a calling greater than yourself. You’re here on earth for a reason that’s worth real sacrifice. You’re resilient, tenacious and often feel stronger because you’ve endured hardship in the past. When you get knocked down, you bounce back again. You’re indomitable, psychologically tough and you can endure more physical pain and suffering than most. You keep going when others have given up and you battle to the very end. Above all, you’re a Fighter.

I have to tell you, I'm pretty proud. I'm happy to be a fighter, happy to know I have what it takes to overcome life's obstacles. I think this was just what I needed. After all that I have been through, from the feeling crazy and unaccepted, to the physical pain, to the things you can't possibly try to explain... it's nice to know that, at least this IQ test thinks I'm tough. After all off that, I think I lost a lot of my confidence, in who I was as a person and what I had to offer. So it was really inspirational for me to read that I am a fighter. I may have been through a lot... but I have and will come out on top, because the bottom line is I will never give up. It's all things I could have told you about myself without blinking a year ago, but now I question everyday. It's just good to hear someone still believes I got a little fight left in me.

My Roomie...

So, I have a new roommate. She is never in the way, doesn't eat my food, in fact it's almost like she isn't even here. The bad news, she is not paying rent. But I guess that's understandable since my new roommate is a ghost. Before you write me off as crazy, (which we both know I kind of am) just hear me through. You see, I have a bedtime routine. I lock up, turn off all the lights downstairs and then the boys and I head up stairs to get ready for bed. Two mornings in a row, I came downstairs to find my kitchen light on (a big 4 track light). There is absolutely no way I forgot to turn it off. In fact the second night I actually thought about it when I was turning the light off. I didn't put much thought into it, until I was driving home from work and it hit me. Ghosts can manipulate electronics and often use those to let us know they are around. OMG... I HAVE A GHOST. I don't feel threatened or scared at all. So obviously my ghost is of the Casper-kind. The next thing I thought about was who could my ghost be. I live in a brand new townhouse, so obviously the ghost isn't tied to the building, so it must be tied to me. After some thought about who would want to be looking in on me from the afterlife, I came to my grandma. She was the sweetest little old lady. But in the end, she suffered from dementia and had no idea who we were. So I think it would make sense that now, in her afterlife, where she has her mind back, that she would want to come check in on her grandchildren. I welcome her visit. In fact, it's kind of nice to know someone is looking out for me and loving me from above. Maybe she'll put in a good word for me. We all know I'm not getting through those pearly gates unless there is some serious bribing... or breaking and entering going on!!
So... do you think I'm crazy for believing in the ghost thing?
Do you have a ghost story of your own??

To Medicate or Not Medicate...

...that is the question??? So the other day I went to see my therapist, originally with the plan to try to convince him that I should try to ween off my medications. But that plan was blow to bits the minute they decided to do layoffs at my work and for a week straight I was a crazy mess again... insomnia, migranes and anxiety attacks galore. So, I had to re-think my plan. Perhaps now is not the best time for me to be cutting back on the meds. But I did ask if this was how my life was always going to be, anytime I got super stressed my "craziness" was going to take over. Basically, my therapist said he couldn't really answer that. But that he has absolutely no problem with the amount of medications that I am on and doesn't think I should worry about that. Instead, I should be focused on just feeling good today... tomorrow and the day after. That got me thinking. Why was I so anxious to get off my medications? It's obvious I need them. And then it hit me. I have heard from numerous people that believe that since I started taking medication, I have become a different person. That's what was driving me... but I need to do what is best for me. My therapist told me medicating is like religion and politics, people have very strong views about whether it is right or wrong. I was talking to my mom about it all later, one of the people who had said she noticed a change in me, and she said she didn't mean that it was neccessarily the medication. She felt like I had changed, but she totally understood why. I had been through a lot, a near-death experience, a life-changing disorder, mental problems that went untreated for months. The truth is, I am a different person. Whether you blame the medication, or the life experiences, it doesn't change the fact that this past year has forever changed me. I'm pretty sure I can't ever go back to the person I was before. I just have to learn how to be the best person I can be now. And for me... at least for now... that includes medications... like it or not.

Boot Buddies

Apparently I have joined some sort of cult, some exclusive club, a fraternity of sorts. It all happened without me ever knowing. All I had to do was show up in public, wearing a walking cast, and BAM!! I was in. I would invite you in too, but I'm afraid this group is very restrictive. See you have to be wearing or have worn a walking cast, otherwise, sorry there is no room for the never-been booted. I first noticed I was in when I went to a spring training baseball game and like three people stopped me to tell me about how they had just gotten out of their boot, or show me their scars. And then if that wasn't enough, it happened again today at the grocery store. But here's the wierd part... we may all be in the same cult, but it is very competitive. Everyone wants to tell you "their story"... what happened to them to put them in the boot, and then they want to hear yours. And this is the part where I really get them. It's pretty hard to top the "I broke my tibia and fibula in a spiral fracture just above the ankle and had to have emergency surgery so now I have a plate, 6 screws and 2 pins holding my now bionic ankle together". They just don't see it coming and then as quickly as they inducted me into their little club... I beat them over the head with it. I told my mom it's the only good thing about this whole ordeal. I least I really committed to breaking my ankle. I didn't just hair-line fracture one bone... oh no... not me. I went for it... and now at least I can be at the top of the boot club.

Are you feeling lucky???

So I'm reading this book called "The Survivors Club" by Ben Sherwood (I highly recommend it!). It's all about facing a crisis whether it be car accident, serious illness, injury, violent crime, financial trouble, etc and coming out on top. Not only surviving, but thriving. I'm in the chapter entitled The Science of Luck. Basically, it's all about how much luck plays into surviving any of lives difficult situations. The book is based on interviews with survivors and studies done by more psycho-somethings than I can count. Anyway, part of this chapter talks about the differences between lucky and unlucky people, claiming that there is such a thing, but that we create our own luck. Lucky people expect good things to happen to them, they don't miss any of life's opportunities and they listen to their hunches. But it also says that lucky people see that even the bad things in their life could have been worse and are always looking at the postive side. It totally reminded me of my friend K who just got laid off of work and still has the most fantastic attitude. When I talk to her, she says she really believes she is going to better because of this. And a year from now, she will be thankful it happened. The most amazing responses. That is what I am totally missing. I think I am totally one of those "woe is me" type of people. Like with my broken ankle (P.S. Still broken, still have walking cast), I totally have the "why the f did this happen to me?" thing going. I don't see a light or a positive side. I feel like I already did my time in the hospital with the blood clot and spent months trying to get my life back on track and then this?? That's just not fair!!! See... nothing positive.
And then I read a part of the book that really got me thinking. It was all about this woman who was allegedly the "injury queen". She had more broken bones and near death experiences than you would think anyone could take. She was like a cat with 9 lives! So she decided to look into her accident prone-ness and along the way discovered several studies which suggest that people "who experience repeated accidents often suffer from psychological disorders like depression and anxiety." Sound familiar?? Both problems I am being treated for right now, problems I didn't have before the first hospitalization. She realized that somewhere along the line she figured out that getting hurt provided her with a kind of nurturing, that she didn't have to be totally responsible, and that the physical pain allowed her a reason to cry that other people would understand. I don't know that I believe I totally fit into all of that, but it is interesting... and kind of scary to think about. Could I have let myself get hurt???
I'll leave you with one last thought about being lucky. Studies show that accident prone-ness does exist... and the people most at risk tend to be more hyperactive, impulsive, neurotic, extroverted and inclined to use alcohol or drugs.
So now... are you feeling lucky???

Curse of Cursing

So the other day I get cornered and scolded by a manager at work (not my manager, not even a manager in my department) about my cursing. Apparently, it is too often and I quote "a poor representation" of our company. Now this would be all fine and dandy if I were the only person at my work that swore. Or even perhaps if I was the worst offender. But none of that is the case. It feels like I was just singled out, for what reason? I have no idea. But the point is, if you want to ban the cursing, then ban it company-wide. Not just for me. Now I feel totally on edge. I am constantly trying to check my swearing so as not to offend anyone or worse yet, be a bad example at work. So basically that fact that I occasionally swear at work now has me walking on egg shells every day. And do you know what I have to say about all this??? It's a bunch of fucking bullshit... Why the hell should I have any different rules than any of the other douche bags at work?? Let's put the swearing ban to a vote... I'm pretty sure that I can tell you how it would end... with double middle fingers... all around!!!

Never Enough

Do you ever feel like you are just plain never enough? Never good enough? That is how I have been feeling at work lately. I work my ass off. I give 110% every day. I come to the table with ideas. I care... about my performance, and the overall outcome. But still it seems to not be enough. And every day I feel like it is something. Everyday I wake up feeling like, "It is a new day," and then I get to work and within hours my good mood is crushed. From a boss who I feel like hates me and is constantly targeting me and picking on me, to a manager I barely know telling me my foul language is out of control and I am a "poor representation" of our company. And then there is the fact that I am the only one losing in the ratings in our early show. All of it just makes me feel like shit. Especially because I do care so much, not only about my job, but being good at it and respected. And worse yet, all of my major health issues have returned. I have insomnia, migraines and anxiety attacks... things I went for months without having to deal with. Problems I was thinking I was finally getting over and then with a snap of the fingers I am right back where I began. Is this how my life is always going to be? When times get tough, I am going to have to deal with all this extra bullshit too? I'm snapping, crabby, I can't be any fun to be around or talk to. I feel bad for my friends and especially my boyfriend who gets the brunt of my bitchiness. I just don't know what to do to make it better. Everyone says just hang on. You just hang on. I'm busy going crazy. Everyone says it will get better, but when? Because in the meantime I am so unhappy it hurts. And I feel like everything I do to try to make it better, come to work over-prepared, with tons of ideas, just ends up blowing up in my face because no one really gives a shit. And I still get snapped at. I guess the bottom line is... at least right now... if there is a light at the end of this tunnel, I must be blind.

"His" Toys

A man and his toys. No I am not talking about the four-wheel drive riding lawn mower he just got or the weed whacker that also prunes bushes and trims trees (do those things even exist??). I am talking about naughty toys... sex toys. So today a couple of girlfriends and I are having a discussion about bedroom toys and boys and it all clicked. All of the boys in our lives have disliked the personal pleasure makers we had BEFORE they arrived. But as soon as we buy them together, or they buy them for us... then they become fair game. In fact, they are totally in to them and all about using them to spice up the sex. So essentially, guys can't handle the fact that a toy MAY have been used with another man. No matter how many times it has been cleaned and sterilized. It is like kindergarten all over again. They all want their own special toys and they have zero intention of ever, EVER sharing. Listen, it's fine with me, because it just means that my stock gets updated on a regular basis and that can never be a bad thing. You really should always be on the cutting edge of the sex toys... it's the only edge to be on!!

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

It's amazing how quickly our lives can change, whether we are prepared or not prepared, have advanced warning or not, see it coming or are totally blindsided... life changes happen in an instant and in my experience, most often when we are not looking. That's what happened to me this week. I was hit by a Mac Truck and lost one of my best friends at work. And even though I knew it was a possibility, I totally didn't see it coming. It was like I was walking blindly through traffic... knowing I could get hit, but just hoping I wouldn't. If you are thinking, well it wasn't you so what's the big deal? Then I am thinking either you A. Have never been through this or B. Have no real close friends at work. It is a loss.... an unexplainable, unfulfillable loss. Am I surprised by how hard I am taking it? Absolutely! But then again, I had no idea I would ever be here either. I feel cheated. I am extremely angry. I feel betrayed by the people I thought I should have been able to trust. How do you get over those feelings? How do you just let that go? How do you move on, when you know they fucked up?? They dropped the ball and let go one of our biggest assets. How do you go back to putting your heart and soul into what you do everyday, no questions asked, no complaints?? How do you go back to loving your job when you are hating what your workplace has done??

Handicapped Crusade

I've taken up a new mission in life, to educate those of you who have never had to deal with being handicapped. And since my little ordeal, I can not tell you how appalled I am, about parking, people, and attitudes. So I'm taking up the handicapped accessible crusade... and I'm not going to stop bitching until I get some action. For instance, the gas station by my house thinks it is doing its part by having two handicapped parking spots, but they are at the end of the building. And the only ramp to get up is at the end of the building, every where else it's this giant curb of death. Who puts handicapped parking spots farthest away from the door? Everyone knows that fully defeats the purpose!!! Irritating. I might be banning you, QT on Greenfield just south of the US 60. That's right, I just called you out... What are ya gonna do about it??? And then, there are the people. Some just see you on crutches or a scooter, obviously handicapped and still let the door close right in front of you. Others watch you try to empty your basket of groceries on your rascal scooter at the store (it's embarrassing enough that I had to ride that thing) onto the check out belt, knowing you are having a hard time reaching the front of the basket and still don't offer to help. HELLO!!! What has happened to compassion, humanity, being nice? But the thing that really put me over the edge was when I went to meet some friends for happy hour the other night at this bar. I know they have two handicapped spots in this lot next to the bar, otherwise you have to park on the street and walk. So I pull into the lot and both handicapped spots are taken. And then I look closely and realize that the car parked in the second handicapped spot, isn't even handicapped. They don't have a handicapped plate or a decal. So now I'm really pissed... I have to go park way down the street and limp my way into the bar, because this asshole has decided that handicapped people don't go out to the bar. On my very long and slow walk, I thought about all the things I would say to this asshole. And then I thought about writing them a note and leaving it on the car, but I really didn't want to take time out of my night, just to teach some douche bag (Can we agree on douche bag here frenemy?? I really think it applies!!!) a lesson. So I've come up with a new plan. I'm going to write a letter and make copies and just carry them around in my car, so I can just leave them and move on with my life without wasting anytime.
Here's my rough draft...

Dear Handicapped Parking Spot Stealer,
You or someone you know and love has obviously never needed to use one of these parking spots because otherwise there is no way you would be so arrogant as to think that you have a right to park in this spot. I don't care what your excuse is, it is not good enough. Be thankful you don't need to use this spot and then realize that there are hundreds of thousands of people out there who do and have the decency and the common courtesy to stay out of the spots that are designated to make their already difficult lives, just a little bit easier. If I were you, I would feel ashamed. And I would certainly hope that I wasn't watching you get into your car right now.
Have a wonderful day!

So... What do you think??
If you care to join the crusade and carry letters in your car too I could use all the soldiers I can get!!!