"Easy" Happy Birthday

My day... the day dedicated just to me... Yet all day I felt like shit. I felt neglected, alone, dismissed, forgotten. All around me there were birthday parties for everyone else. People were being celebrated, loved ones planned great get-togethers for everyone else's birthday. But there was nothing for me. I could have gone to all of these other people's birthdays, but then what... I would be the birthday girl crashing someone else's party? I would be the girl trying to steal someone else's thunder? I would be the one who needed to ride on someone else's party coat-tail's because I had none of my own?? I got so many birthday text messages and facebook messages... but it got me thinking. Do we live in a world of technology that allows us to be "easy" friends? I mean how easy is it to shoot a text or a facebook note to a friend wishing them a "happy birthday". I got dozens of them. But none of them came with a "what are you doing for your birthday tonight?" "I really want to celebrate with you." Only two people, only two really good friends made it a priority to say they wanted to see me today. And one went as far as to say she would do whatever the hell I wanted, just to make sure that I could have a celebration. Am I just being a complete bitch? Am I expecting too much? Asking for too much? I guess I just feel like birthdays are supposed to be really special. I have always felt that way. I have always made it a priority to be there, to celebrate, to plan something really nice and special for my friends and family on their birthdays. But I just didn't feel like anyone stepped up this year to do that for me. It was disappointing. And depressing. On top of the fact that I had to work on my birthday. Something that I shouldn't have had to do, but because of my recent schedule change, made a necessity. I had been looking forward to having this birthday off for a long time, since I usually always have to work on my birthday and am never able to take it off. I think realizing that I had to work today, just brought back all of the feelings of why I am in this position to begin with. I also thought that one of my best friends forgot my birthday, because I had talked to her numerous times in the past few days and she hadn't mentioned anything. In the end, when I got home, there was flowers with a nice card from her. But all day I felt very disappointed and let down. On top of it all, I'm PMS-ing... which doesn't help anything. But I guess the bottom line is, I wish someone would have planned something for me, made me a priority. And by today... it was just too late. My feelings were already hurt, I was already depressed and I already felt let down. Maybe I'm just a pouter... but I guess that's what I am. I just know how special birthdays are... and how special birthdays should be treated. Maybe 30 will be better....

Evil

You are an evil person. Only an evil person would use their power to deliberately crush another person's hopes and dreams. Only an evil person would have the audacity to look someone in the eyes and show zero emotion while they were taking away everything they had worked so hard for. Only an evil person would put personal feelings ahead of what they should be focused on. Only an evil person would intentionally try to break another person. You think I am weak... It is you that is weak. If this is your way of leading... that is weak. You are sexist. It is so obvious in the comments you make... and the way you treat people. And you know nothing about me. Yet you have made up your mind about who I am and what I do. And everything you have decided, couldn't be further from the truth. But none of that matters. None of it matters because you happen to have the power in this situation. You may have the power there, but you do not control me. You can try to break me... and you may partially be succeeding... but I am fighting back... I will not let you break me... in the end I will come out on top. And you will still be an evil, evil man. You will get yours. You see, I believe in karma. And you have done such awful things to so many people, you should be very, very afraid of what you have coming to you. That gives me a little satisfaction. But I can't worry about you, because I need to focus on me... and finding the strength somewhere inside me to pick myself up... find my happiness... and forget about you. Because in the end, you are just a giant bump in my road. An evil, rude, asshole of a bump in my road.
I leave you with a quote from a wise man:
"Power over others is weakness disguised as strength."

What Does It Take???

Lately it seems like the most difficult thing to find. It's just about the only thing I want... and yet I just can't seem to get my hands on it. It doesn't seem to matter what I do. I will myself to have it. I cry because I don't. I talk about having it, in hopes it will appear. I fake it and pretend like I do. I wish really, really hard. I sleep for a really long time and dream that I will wake up with it. I numb myself so that I don't have to think about living without it anymore. I pretend like I don't really need it (so then maybe it will come). I think I have tried just about everything... and still nothing. So what does it take? What does one have to do to be happy these days?? I miss more than anything being happy. Feeling good about myself and my life. I want my happiness back. I just don't know how to get it. I know only I can make myself truly happy, no one else can do it for me. But I feel so lost, so alone, so ashamed. I feel like such a failure. How did I get here? Well, I guess I know how I got here. Now I need to know how to dig myself out of this massive hole I call my life. I WANT TO BE HAPPY... at this point... I'll even settle for content.

Space

What is with your fucking attitude lately? What is with the sarcasm... the treating me like shit? What is with the snapping at me... the short temper? And why the fuck must it be now? Now, when you know I am in hell. Now, when you know I am extremely sensitive. Now, when you know I feel like no one is on my side. Now, when all I need from you is to be there for me. What the fuck is going on with you? I don't understand. I really don't understand how you would decide to act like this at the time I need you most. Especially after all I have done for you. When you were down and needed help, I was there for you. When you were looking for jobs, I did the leg work, happily. When you were miserable at your job... I supported you, even when you were taking it out on me... treating me like shit. And now that you are happy, I couldn't be happier for you. So why the fuck can't I get some of the same compassion, love, understanding, support. You are supposed to be my best friend, my rock, the person I turn to in any and all situations. Lately it feels like I have to walk on egg shells around you. I'm fucking sick of it.
Let's take last night for example: I walk in the door to a barrage of anger... all about how you didn't sleep good last night because you were sleeping on your arm. "Why were you sleeping on your arm.", I ask sweetly. Him-"Well, you try to sleep on 8 inches of bed... with one dog here and one dog here (picture a re-enactment here) and you here and 4 feet of bed on the other side of you." Me-"Honey, if the dogs are in your way, just move them over. If I am crowding you, just gently move me over." Him-"Oh like that's gonna work. I know how crabby you are when you wake up." Me-"Yes, but you also know what a heavy sleeper I am. Once I'm out, I won't even notice if you move me." This goes on and on for a good 20 minutes. I blow up. I've just got home from a long day, does he really need to interrogate me right now? We don't talk for about a half hour, then it starts again. Him-"I'm a right handed sleeper and I sleep on the left side of the bed... When I roll over, I'm on the end of the bed." Me-"Babe, why don't you just start in the middle of the bed then." Him-"Fine, that's what I'll do." It's finally settled but we basically don't speak for the rest of the night, he is so angry with me about the fact I apparently ruined his night of sleep. Then, when we do go to bed. He gets in first. And by the time, I get in... he is in the middle of the bed... with get this!... a pillow next to him as a make-shift barricade... just to make sure I don't get too close. I get into bed and then call the dogs from his side of the bed... to mine. But he stops me, "They're fine!" Me-"Are you sure? I just don't want them to bother you." Him-"Yes, I said they're fine." So, basically I am the only problem. I am the only one bothering him while he is trying to get his precious beauty sleep. Heaven forbid I should want to sleep next to the love of my life. You want your space asshole... you're gonna get it.

Standing a chance....

Do you know who you can trust? Do you know who really has your back? Do you know who is really on your side? Do you know who will still be there for you when the chips are down?? Do you know who will stand up for you when the "really important" people have turned their backs? I used to think I knew. I used to be sure who was going to be there for me... who would always have my back. But I have since learned, I was totally wrong on a lot of fronts. Now, the people I can trust are few and far between. The people I can count on... I can count on one hand. The people I consider true friends, the ones I believe probably didn't sell me out the first chance they had, are far out-weighed by those that did. It's sad but true. It's something that I am trying to come to terms with. Something that I am trying to understand. It's a dog-eat-dog world and friendships just don't stand a chance.

2 years of hell

That's what my life has been... 2 years of hell. (Insert you little violin, playing a little song just for me, but this is my blog and I'm still going to bitch if you don't like it... stop reading now! Keep reading, maybe you might relate!) It all started in April of 2007 when I fell down the stairs drunk in a pair of too tall heels. Who knew a simple little ankle injury would fuck up my life. A month and several misdiagnosis later, I was in the hospital with a blood clot the size of Texas in my leg (stop me if you've heard this one!) and two small clots (thank god they were small) in my right lung (we nicknamed them Bert & Ernie). After 6 days in the hospital, a few days on complete bedrest I was ready to go home... to my brand new life with a clotting disorder. No more birth control, no more smoking, coumadin for at least 6 months, and no drinking. HELL!! Take away the birth control, and I get SEVERE PMS... AND HORRENDOUS CRAMPS. Then came the mental effects of nearly dying. Severe anxiety attacks... depression... a psychiatrist diagnosed me with mild depression, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder and panic disorder. That came with a couple of medications to control my panic attacks and mood swings and such. Of course, it took time to find the ones that actually worked for me. And then came the migraines. Headaches like I have never expierenced before... usually around the same time I would get severe PMS. Sometimes so badly I couldn't see straight. As the months went on, they came more and more frequently. And then... just when I thought I was getting my mental health in order... I fell down some stairs (yes, I know, AGAIN) while in Hawaii on vacation with my boyfriend. This time, I couldn't just bruise a bone... I really went all the way. I got myself a spiral fracture of both bones in my ankle... basically I broke it in 3 places requiring surgery... a plate... 6 screws and 2 pins to repair it. It also meant that I had to be completely off my ankle for the next 6 weeks... then in a walking cast for 5 weeks. You should have seen me scooting up and down my stairs on my butt for weeks on end. It was by far the worst pain I have ever endured.. and the biggest pain in the ass. You just don't realize how much you need a leg until it is taken away! So now that that's taken care of... let's get back to those pesky migraines that still have not gone away... and did I mention are just getting more and more frequent. I saw doctor after doctor... who put me on migraine medicine after migraine medicine... all without success. I saw a neurologist who sent me for an MRI which showed nothing... and then he put me on yet another migraine medicine which of course didn't work. So when I finally got a migraine for 6 weeks straight... I decided to take some drastic steps. I went to this center where they do injections to treat chronic pain... actual shots into your head, neck, shoulders, back. They are a sort of anti-inflamatory that when injected works to soothe nerves and muscles. Also I started going to a chiropractor, who x-rayed my back and showed me how messed up it really was... requiring treatments 3x a week. So while I am trying to make myself healthier... I get yet another setback... this time from work. All of this is 1 year and 10 months. And that's just the health stuff....
Let us not forget about my several car troubles costing a couple thousand dollars... one time leaving me stranded on the side of the freeway... an accident on Thanksgiving that was ruled my fault and resulted in a nice ticket for me... my several photo radar tickets...
And of course, my always tight financial situation, due mostly to my never ending medical bills.
I now see a therapist about once every 2 weeks.
A chiropractor 3 times a week.
My pain injection doctor once every 2 weeks.
My pychiatrist once every 6-8 weeks.
All in an effort to get control of my health, my life.
But it just seems like everytime I get a handle on one thing, something else pops up... everytime it seems like my life is finally getting on the right track.. heading out of hell, someone or something derails me.

JUST STOP

STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.
STOP TELLING ME THAT WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER OPENS.
STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.
STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.
STOP TELLING ME THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.
STOP TELLING ME THAT SOMEDAY I AM GOING TO LOOK BACK ON THIS AND REALIZE IT IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME.
JUST STOP...
I know you all are just trying to help... but it is not working. I am mad... sad... hurt. I feel disrespected, unappreciated, misunderstood. I am angry... ashamed... depressed. I can't eat... can't sleep... can't stop thinking about it. A huge part of my world... a part that I worked so hard for, that I was so committed to, that I was so proud of, that I was passionate about, that I loved... has been crushed... and a part of my heart has been crushed with it. Maybe someday I will be able to feel like you all want me to feel now, maybe someday I will be able to look back on this and see the good.. but for now... all I see and feel is pain. For now, I know that someday is nowhere near. Most days, I have to drag myself out of bed and plaster on a plastic smile just to make it through. Most days I have to give myself a pep talk every hour just so I won't cry. Most days I have to remind myself that I am a good person and that I am good at what I do. And maybe someday, I will once again be surrounded by people who feel the same.