Mood Swing Sally

So for real... I am crazy. I am having the worst mood swings ever. Mood swings that I can see happening but can not control. I know why I am irritated, and I do have a right to be irritated, but I do not have a right to act like I have been acting. I am acting like a child. It's ridiculous. The problem... even though I can see it happening, I can't stop it. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?? Imagine watching yourself act crazy, almost like you are a ghost floating outside of your body, knowing that you should stop yourself or change your behavior.. or at the very least... apologize, but still NOT being able to do it. All that does is make you more frustrated. It is a viscious cycle. I hate it... I wish more than anything I had control over my life, my feelings, my reactions. Here's the thing... I am on medications.. I have been working on my "mental state" for at least 9 months. I'm sick of still feeling out of control, I'm sick of stil feeling like something is wrong with me, I'm sick of being crazy. Perhaps it is my lot in life, and the sooner I accept it, the better off I will be. I just want to be better, to be able to have a conversation with my boyfriend without intentionally making him feel badly and then getting off the phone and 10 minutes later being like WTF???? I am the biggest bitch ever!!! I am a mood swing mess... I just hope that I can manage to get myself together before I lose the best thing I've ever had.

Survivor

One year ago today... my life flashed before my eyes. In the blink of an eye, I ended up in the hospital with an Emergency Room doctor telling me I had a blood clot in my leg the size of Texas... and two clots that had broken off and traveled to my right lung. I spent the next 6 days in the hospital.. learning all about how lucky I was that I didn't die. I had probably been walking around with that ticking time bomb for at least three weeks... and if one of those chunks of clot that traveled through my heart had been just a little bit bigger... that would have been it.
May 9th, 2008 my world forever changed, I forever changed.
In the aftermath, I learned I had a clotting disorder which would make me susceptible to blood clots like this for the rest of my life. It also came with a laundry list of other side effects, like it can make it difficult to get pregnant, and if you do get pregnant, it will be a high risk pregnancy.
I was also immediately taken off birth control and told never to go back on it again. As a result my hormones went wacko, literally. I began having migraines, severe cramps and crazy PMS.
And then there was the worst part... the anxiety. I started having anxiety attacks... sometimes up to five times a day. They are undescribable, except to say that I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.
As a result, I am on medications to control my world and blood thinners.
There were some very dark times, and some times where I didn't feel like myself. I feel much better now, but I have forever been changed. I have always been a control freak, but I think now it is even worse. I want to control everything I possibly can in my life, because I know what it is like to lose control. I lost control of my health and that is a feeling I don't ever want to have again. One year later I am no where near recovered... or past this... but I am coping and learning and trying to be the best person I can be.
There have been some positives in all of this, I learned that I have a very rare clotting disorder that could have presented itself later, and the older you get the more likely you are to die from a blood clot.
I quit smoking... and so today also marks the one year anniversary of my last cigarette.
And I realized how strong a person I really am. No matter what anyone says to me, or thinks about where I am or where I should be, I know what I have been through. And I dare anyone to go through all that I have, and not come out a little bit scarred. If you went through this I guarentee you would understand what it is like to really be a fighter.
I'm not trying to pretend like I'm the only one who has faced tough times... I know they are all around us. I'm just saying I'm proud to say on my one year anniversary... I KNOW that I truly am a survivor.

Addiction

Addictions... I was thinking about addiction and how I truly believe some people just have an addictive personality, are easier addicted than others. I think I definitely fit into that category. So I decided to make a list of my addictions. Why? I don't know, but it seemed like fun.

Cigarettes- Past
Chap Stick- Present
Cell Phone- Present
Caffeine- Present
Birth Control- Past, I didn't realize I was addicted to "the pill" until they took it away from me. But now that I am experiencing what I can only believe is withdrawl symptoms, I must admit yet another addiction.
Text Messaging- Present, Seriously I used to be one of the haters. But I must admit, now I love it. It's so quick, you don't have to have time for a conversation and you can do it on your own time.
This Blog- Present, It started because someone asked me what my dream job would be and I said a columnist, where I could write about whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want. And then I decided, why don't I just start a blog, my own online column. And since I can't drink right now, I have a lot of free time on my hands... so here we are!! Thanks for supporting my new addiction!!