Loss of control- Part 3

Overall.. I can't really complain about my time in the hospital. I was constantly visited by friends, my mom flew in to take care of my dogs and me, and I had amazing care from my nurses and doctors. So... it would seem that my hospital stay was peachy-keen. But as I look back, I realize that I had my first anxiety attack in that hospital bed. It happened the second night. I had a few friends over (over to my hospital room- how weird does that sound??) We were just hanging out, having a great time, when all of a sudden I started to feel like I couldn't breathe and my chest was being squeezed in. I called my nurse, who called the lung specialist. They checked my lungs (for fear of more clots, or moving clots) and my oxygen levels. Everything tested fine, but still they put me on complete bed rest for the next 2 days, just in case. It was awful. But I did my best to get through it.
The other thing I hated... the blood draws... every 4 hours for the entire six days I was there... even in the middle of the night. In case you are having trouble with your math... that's 36 pricks in 6 days!!! I looked like a heroin user when I was finally released.
My life was no longer on my schedule. Everyone else made all the decisions for me... what time I ate, what medicines I got, when they took my blood, when I could get out of bed. My life was literally in their hands... and as a result, so was my control.

Letting it go!

Is this how it's always going to be?? Bitter, angry, aggressive?? It's certainly not how I pictured my forever after. I just don't understand. He is so amazing most of the time... and then he can be so mean, so hurtful. But more disturbing is that I feel like he holds on to every thing he gets really mad at me for. Instad of talking to me about the situation, he buries it, until it boils over and then he explodes and really acts like an ass. But everything he has said... HE REALLY MEANT. AND HE REALLY BELIEVES IS THE TRUTH. It scares me to death. Is this how my life is going to be... forever and ever? He is the man I want to be with. But I don't want to feel like I am walking on egg shells. Like I have to be careful what I say, because it will haunt me for the rest of my life. Bottom line... we are both going to fuck up... say the wrong thing, hurt eachother's feelings. And we are allowed to be angry and hurt. But we need to be able to talk to each other and let it go... for real... forever... My concern... can we both do this??

Loss of control- Part 2

One night, my calf was so swollen I was afraid to go to bed because I thought it was going to burst.
Not one... not two... not three.. but four phone calls to my doctor.. all of them repeatedly telling them about the extreme pain I was in.
I never got a call back.
I went in to my Friday doctor's appointment thinking... "Ha! He's going to take one look at me and realize that I wasn't lying, that I am in excruitiating pain, that he should have returned my phone call."
Well... I got that... and so much more.
He (an orthopedic specialist) took one look at my leg and I could tell something was wrong... really wrong. He left the room... and I heard him outside, calling someone and telling them he needed to get a patient in immediately for tests.
He then came back in to my room and asked me if I had any family here. By now, totally freaked out, I am crying. Through my tears, I told him no. And he informed me that I was going to be taken over to the hospital to have an ultra sound to see if I had a blood clot in my leg and that this was a very serious... life threatening... situation.
Then, he disappeared. I guess I would too if I had ignored 4 of my patient's phone calls.
His nurse helped me outside where an old man driving a golf cart picked me up. He took me over to the ER of the hospital across the street and dropped me off. I sobbed the entire way.
I went in, told them who I was and they took me back and drew some blood and stuff. Then sent me back out to the waiting room to... wait.
While sitting there... I made phone calls... to my mom... my closest friends...
Thank god one of my friends was off of work and she said she would rush right over to be with me.
Everything is kind of a blur... but I remember them taking me in a wheel chair to get my ultra sound of my leg, checking for a blood clot.
When the technician was done, she said I didn't have to get up, she would just push me back on the bed.
As I was wheeled into my curtained room in the ER, I looked at my friend and said "I don't think this is a good sign, do you?"
Minutes later, my ER doctor walked in... to give me the first of a long list of bad news...
I had a blood clot... but not just any old blood clot... one that stretched from my ankle to my mid-thigh.
Then he asked me if I had any shortness of breath lately. I told him yes.. in the past couple of days. But I thought it was from the pain.
Next I was wheeled off to have a CT scan of my lungs.. to see if there were any clots there.
Either way, I was being admitted to the hospital. So I was wheeled upstairs... and into a room where a doctor came to talk to me. Thank god I had friends with me, because by this time, I was in shock... I had nothing to say, no words, no idea what questions I should be asking.
The doctor was great. He spent 45 minutes in my room going over all the situations and how we would treat them. He answered all of my friends questions (since I had apparently gone mute). Then he told me he would come back after we got the CT results. Not 5 minutes later, he was back... with my second round of bad news. I had 2 small blood clots in my right lung. I was moved to the telemetry floor and put on a heart monitor. And my stay in the hospital was bumped from 2 to at least 5 days.

Loss of control- Part 1

Control... it's apparently something I have a huge problem with...
Okay... not "apparently"... really. Let's just say it. I am a control freak. I am probably a pain in the ass to be around. I probably annoy the shit out of those who have to spend any amount of time with me (i.e. my co-workers, good friends and certainly my boyfriend). It's not something that I am oblivious to. It's not something I am not working on. But really... the bottom line is I can't seem to let go.
I think I've always been a more "in control person" than other people. But, my "death scare" really brought my whole world crashing down... and further escalated my control-ness (Is that a word??? It is now!!)
But what I have realized is that I was pre-programmed for control issues long before my first hospitalization.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning...
A time when a 4-year-old girl realized something she has said and done had completely changed her life and the life of her family forever.
A time when I couldn't really comprehend what had happened to me, but I could understand the reaction of those around me. My mom was depressed and completely pulled away. In hind sight I know she was blaming herself, but at the time it felt like whatever I had said, had pushed my mom away, like she didn't love me any more.
I had to go to counseling. Something I can't even begin to tell you about because I decided that blocking out that time in my life would be easier than remembering all the hurt and pain... things that at 4-years-old I worried I had caused. My parents were fighting... because my mom was depressed and absent and my dad couldn't handle me and my sister and his job and faking like everything is okay.
At age 4 did I understand how profoundly this would affect the rest of my life? No way! But you can bet that kids are way smarter and way more in tune than you think they are. They sense tension, they feel if there is a problem and they can even blame themselves. I should know.
Bottom line... whether I realized it or not... now I know that was the first time I lost control of my life. And probably from then on... I have always sought that control...

Trust...

"I'm not ready to talk"
If only it were that easy. For a 3 year old, that is accepted, but in my world, HELL NO!!
Let me explain... that was the exact response this morning from my friend's 3-year-old... but in all fairness, she has just spent a week without her mom.
Bottom line for me... kids are adorable... I love to hold them, feed them, rock them, love them, but I am certainly not ready to have them!!!
COPY??? I AM NOT READY TO HAVE THEM!!
Right now, I am committed to my work... my job that I love. But I also fear is in danger... danger because for some reason the people I have trusted most, have turned against me...
But that's not even an issue... because there is so much more with my health that has to go in to having a baby... but that's not even worth the fight... so we will move on..
And I will, as I have promised to do, learn more about those people who I can trust and those I can not...

A volatile relationship...

What is a volitale relationship?? Is it a good thing?? A bad thing?? Perhaps a little bit of both. I know when you take the word volatile on its own.. it has negative connotations. But I can't help but think I kind of have a volatile realationship and I don't neccessarily think it is a bad thing. Let me explain... first of all... I am completely in love... with an amazing man who loves me just as much. But as anyone who knows me will tell you... I am also a very passionate, very emotional person. That means when you piss me off, hurt me feelings, etc... it doesn't just slide off my back. I, for good or bad, found myself a man who, for a man, is emotional too. He is sensitive to criticism... and people not supporting him or having his back. Sometimes, our emotions collide... sometimes we have a volitale relationship. We yell... not name-calling or in a mean/hurtful way, but we yell! Sometimes we pout and shut each other out for a period of time. We do fight hard.... but we also make up hard... and we are learning to communicate well with each other. And more importantly than that... I think it all stems from the fact that we love each other so much. Are we volatile?? At times.. yes... but... in the end... we are always loving each other... always there for each other. In the end... we are each other's best friends, partners-in-crime, he is the love of my life. Do we fight hard... hell yeah! But we make up quickly... learn something about each other... and move on. Maybe it's volitale. But I wouldn't trade it in for anything!!!

Never Right...

Ever feel like you are never right... never good enough... never working hard enough... never doing the right thing...
So goes my life... from work to home... I can't help but feel like I am always doing something wrong, despite the fact that I swear I am always busting my ass.
At work, I barely even take a break to pee, but still I always feel like I am not enough, not working hard enough, not doing enough, not good enough. I am constantly feeling like me and my job are in jeopardy. It's a very compromising place to be, especially in these economic times.
And then I come home, to a place where I should be able to put it all behind me. But still, I am not good enough. I have not done enough, am not supportive enough, am too demanding... whatever the charges may be... I am just plain not right. I always try to be supportive... loving... caring. I've been doing everything in my power to support my partner and help him in any way possible. But still it is not right... and never enough.
I guess I am just sick of trying so hard...both at work and at home... and feeling like a failure. I don't know what I can possibly do, at either place, to make people understand how important success is to me... in both my career and my relationship.
It would be a lot easier if I could just be like "fuck off" to all of those who don't realize how hard I try... but unfortunately that's not how it works for me. Unfortunately... in the end... I just end up feeling like I'm never right.