Aloha!

Not as in hello... but as in goodbye. I have the next week off of work... supposedly to go to Hawaii with my boyfriend, except there's a hitch. WE HAVE NO MONEY. I don't even know how I'm going to pay my bills this month. So I had to make a decision. Leaving town isn't just finding money for a plane ticket, my dogs have to be kenneled... and that practically doubles the cost of your trip. So now, I am staying and saying aloha to my boyfriend, who will be going back to help with a catering (and make money) and see his brother and twin nephews and all his friends. And I will be left here for four days... all by myself.. here's the kicker.. with no boyfriend... no work.. nothing to do.. and no money to make something happen. I am devastated. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad my boyfriend gets to go home, see his family and friends, have some good down time, AND MAKE MONEY!!! But what is my already depressed, fat ass going to do without him?? I'm just really sad... I'm sad that my boyfriend is going to be gone for 4 days (I don't think I realized until now how attached I have become to him) and I'm sad because he is going to get to do all the fun vacation things without me... and I will be here... alone... with my boys... whom I love don't get me wrong. I am just so sad at the prospect of being alone... Aloha!!

Love Dead

So yesterday I'm sitting at work when I get an email from my dad. It reads:
Do you know when the FBR Gold tourney is this year?
Dead

WTF?? I immediately respond to my dad...
Just got your email... first do you mean the FBR Open, like the golf tournament? And second, when you wrote Dead... did you mean Dad??

Turns out by gold he meant golf and dead was in fact dad.
He wrote me back saying he didn't know what happened... in fact he was a little concerned.. claiming maybe the "old age" was kicking in.
Then he signed it: Love, Dad (Dead)

It was hilarious... I'm not sure if I should be worried about my dad... but for the moment... I am just laughing.. and now I hope, so are you.

JUST TOO MUCH...

Do you ever just feel like you can't win? I am too needy... too crazy.. too impulsive... too anger management. Consequently, no one wants to hang out with me, even my own boyfriend. He thinks I am more than difficult, impossible. In fact, at times, I think he simply avoids me. Here's what I know. No.. you know what... right now.. I'm so angry, I don't know what I know. My boyfriend hates me. He thinks I am always over-reacting... he thinks I blow everything out of proportion. Let's break it down to what this fight is really about.. I have super bad PMS. I mean uncontrollable emotions... anger-management issues... I am out of control. I know it.. I can feel it... I realize it. I am well aware. Listen, I would have loved the opportunity to just go home and be at home in my comfort zone... and not have to worry about anyone else... any other interactions. But unfortunately that was not my lot in life today. My bf was all about hanging out with our friends... grilling steaks (yumm... did I mention I was a vegetarian??) and drinking scotch with the boys. Good for him.. but do I have to be involved because.. let's face it... I am in no condition to "kick it". I end up going to our friends house where my fave gf is not feeling her man either, makes it so much easier for me. We just hide out... I cry...
I cry because I feel like I am a failure... a failure for not finding him a job by now, a failure because he is not happy, a failure because he wishes more than anything he were not here.
Everyday I wake up and (ps I don't pray) but I wish that I have the strength to make it through the day. Bottom line... I am broke... more than I would ever like to admit. Would I love my bf to win Top Chef??? Would I just love my bf to get a job?? Hell Yea!!... but you wanna know what's most important to me?? Cheesy as it sounds.. that when he goes to bed at night... there is NO doubt in is mind that he wants to be with me... that we have fun together.
Of course all that also causes us pleanty of tension, I know he wants more and sometimes he takes that anger and agression out on me, he makes rude comments and then says he is kidding but I know they are designed to sting. I brought him here. To this big desert oasis wherer he still hasn't found work or a lot of his own friends. No matter what he tells you, he is bitter.. unhappy... probably angry.. and on the other side of all those emotions... ME!! Welcome to Arizona!

Fatty

So I had to go to the doctor today. And you know how they always weigh you? I never look because I have never wanted to know. But this nurse decided to announce it to me. I'm pretty sure that it is the most I have ever weighed. I am so unhappy with my body right now. I can't even fit into my jeans right anymore. And I know exactly what the problem is... drinking too much. But I am so stressed at work and then with money that sometimes I just want to escape. And then the drinking makes me snack. I'm still working out... eating good. I just start drinking after that. And what's worse... when I heard my weight... all it made me want to do, was drink. It's a viscious cycle... one that I don't know if I am strong enough to break. All I know, is I am not happy with myself, how I look. And I know that only I can change it. I just need to find the strength to stop self-medicating and stop being a fatty.

Bye, bye Rat Poison

That's right... After 1 year, 4 months and 13 days (but who is counting), I am finally weaning off Coumadin. For those who don't know, Coumadin is a blood thinner. It's designed to prevent me from getting another blood clot. But for the past several months, it hasn't been doing it's job. And it's rat poison. And it interacts with every other medication. And it makes it so I can't eat some of my favorite foods. So you can understand why I am so excited to be putting this part of my life behind me. In exactly 4 days, I will no longer be taking that shit. Instead, I will take an 81mg aspirin 2x a day. Fine by me. Aspirin is not rat poison. So to coumadin and the rat poison... I say... check ya later!

Sleeping Beauty...

Yet another night we had planned to spend together. I called my boyfriend on my way home from work with great news. I didn't have to go to work until noon tomorrow because I had to work later so that meant we could hang out tonight and I wouldn't have to worry about getting up for work and since he doesn't have a job... well I thought we could have a couple of drinks and a good time. Great plan in theory. We took the dogs for a walk when I got home. Then I did pilates and we had dinner. Then we had a couple of drinks, worked on some resumes for my boyfriend online and watched some tv... but just like in a fairytale... at midnight... my prince turned into a pumpkin and was passed out on the couch while I just kicked it. Another quality night... of semi-quality time.

Loss of control- Part 4

So you, I'm sure like everyone else in my life, think that as soon as I got released from the hospital, the worst was over. Well you, like just about everyone else in my life, would be WRONG. I saw more doctors in the next two weeks than I did when I was in the hospital. One of whom was a hematologist who gave me some fantastic news. We know why I developed a blood clot, at least in part. I have a very rare clotting disorder- Factor 20210A Mutation. It basically puts me at a way higher risk of developing a blood clot than the average person. It also, according to the hematologist, meant I needed to be on coumadin(AKA rat poison) for 1 year. As if that weren't enough, I also had to deal with some major side effects from going off the birth control. I now had awful PMS and killer cramps, debilitating cramps. I saw my gyno who believes I probably have endometriosis, but without doing an invasive scope, we can't really confirm. She doesn't want to do the scope because of the clotting disorder, but would like to treat me with endometriosis medication. The problem... it, like so many other medicines, interferes with my coumadin. So for now, it's pain killers for the cramps. Then there is the anxiety attacks. They happened every day at least a handful of times a day before I finally went to the ER, afraid I had another clot in my lung since I couldn't breathe during them. Instead, they told me I was just having anxiety. Just anxiety... it was supposed to be better, but if you have never had an anxiety or panic attack, let me try to clue you in. It feels like you can't breathe, like someone is squeezing your chest so hard your lungs will collapse. It is incredibly scary. But after experiencing 5 a day for a while, I learned that you have to try to relax and breath through them. Sometimes it works... other times, I was just a mess until it would pass. I went on medication to try and treat that. And then came the migraines. Brutal migraines like I had never experienced before. They were blinding and almost debilitating. As I started to pay attention to them, I realized many of them came in the week before my period. Then I learned about a little thing called menstrual migraines. Yes, it's true.. tied to your cycle. Once again, I had to get a daily medication to try and prevent them. My life was supposed to be better post-blood clot right? I was supposed to feel lucky to be alive. But I gotta tell you, it's really hard when around every corner is a new medical challenge. When losing one pill, put me on three other ones. It has been one year and three months since I was released from the hospital and I am STILL dealing with medical issues related to my blood clot, my coumadin, my PMS, my anxiety, my migraines and my cramps. But here's the thing, aside from educating myself as much as possible, there isn't much I can do. My health... how I am going to feel from one day to the next, is really out of my control. And that is perhaps the most frustrating feeling ever. I nearly died... I know I should just be grateful to be alive... but like the saying goes.. nothing in life is free.

Quality Time...

So it's Friday night and after a long and stressful week at work, I was really looking forward to spending some quality time with my boyfriend. First, of course, we had to go see our friend whose birthday it was. I was not in the best mood (dealing with a headache, cramps and the fact that I had not taken my medicine all day), but I sucked it up. We hung out. Me with the birthday girl and my boyfriend with her husband playing video games. Then, hours later we went home, for our quality time, right? Wrong! By this time my boyfriend is fucked up... not making sense... no fun to hang out with. And then, less than an hour after we got home... he was ready to go to bed. Great Friday night!! Really enjoyed my quality time.