"Easy" Happy Birthday

My day... the day dedicated just to me... Yet all day I felt like shit. I felt neglected, alone, dismissed, forgotten. All around me there were birthday parties for everyone else. People were being celebrated, loved ones planned great get-togethers for everyone else's birthday. But there was nothing for me. I could have gone to all of these other people's birthdays, but then what... I would be the birthday girl crashing someone else's party? I would be the girl trying to steal someone else's thunder? I would be the one who needed to ride on someone else's party coat-tail's because I had none of my own?? I got so many birthday text messages and facebook messages... but it got me thinking. Do we live in a world of technology that allows us to be "easy" friends? I mean how easy is it to shoot a text or a facebook note to a friend wishing them a "happy birthday". I got dozens of them. But none of them came with a "what are you doing for your birthday tonight?" "I really want to celebrate with you." Only two people, only two really good friends made it a priority to say they wanted to see me today. And one went as far as to say she would do whatever the hell I wanted, just to make sure that I could have a celebration. Am I just being a complete bitch? Am I expecting too much? Asking for too much? I guess I just feel like birthdays are supposed to be really special. I have always felt that way. I have always made it a priority to be there, to celebrate, to plan something really nice and special for my friends and family on their birthdays. But I just didn't feel like anyone stepped up this year to do that for me. It was disappointing. And depressing. On top of the fact that I had to work on my birthday. Something that I shouldn't have had to do, but because of my recent schedule change, made a necessity. I had been looking forward to having this birthday off for a long time, since I usually always have to work on my birthday and am never able to take it off. I think realizing that I had to work today, just brought back all of the feelings of why I am in this position to begin with. I also thought that one of my best friends forgot my birthday, because I had talked to her numerous times in the past few days and she hadn't mentioned anything. In the end, when I got home, there was flowers with a nice card from her. But all day I felt very disappointed and let down. On top of it all, I'm PMS-ing... which doesn't help anything. But I guess the bottom line is, I wish someone would have planned something for me, made me a priority. And by today... it was just too late. My feelings were already hurt, I was already depressed and I already felt let down. Maybe I'm just a pouter... but I guess that's what I am. I just know how special birthdays are... and how special birthdays should be treated. Maybe 30 will be better....

Standing a chance....

Do you know who you can trust? Do you know who really has your back? Do you know who is really on your side? Do you know who will still be there for you when the chips are down?? Do you know who will stand up for you when the "really important" people have turned their backs? I used to think I knew. I used to be sure who was going to be there for me... who would always have my back. But I have since learned, I was totally wrong on a lot of fronts. Now, the people I can trust are few and far between. The people I can count on... I can count on one hand. The people I consider true friends, the ones I believe probably didn't sell me out the first chance they had, are far out-weighed by those that did. It's sad but true. It's something that I am trying to come to terms with. Something that I am trying to understand. It's a dog-eat-dog world and friendships just don't stand a chance.

Poison in the room

Did you know it only takes one drop to poison your food, one seed to poison a garden, one person to poison an entire room??
One person to poison an entire group of people, to take good people and make them do things they would never normally do, act like they would never normally act, treat each other like they would not think about treating each other before.
It's amazing the power one person can have over many. The worst part... the "one" is the cause of all the problems. But because of the "one's" perceived power, everyone else would rather turn on each other, than stand together. People that have been friends, respected each other, been there for each other for years... are now instead backing down, saying nothing, or worse yet, actually throwing someone else under the bus. It's quite possibly one of the most despicible things I have seen... at least since junior high. I don't respect it... I don't believe it in.. I don't want anything to do with it. If only it were that simple...

A Million Little Pieces

I'm not really sure how I got here, but I know it's a place I certainly thought I would never be. I have always loved my job. I love what I do, the fast pace of it, the way things are constantly changing, even the pressure. But more than that, I loved the people that I worked with. They were more than co-workers, they were friends. And now, things are completely different. I don't know who to trust, don't know who is on my side, but worst off, I feel incredibly alone. Ever been in a room full of people and just felt like you were standing in the middle of the Sahara Desert? I miss the way things used to be, the way we used to treat each other, the way we used to care about each other. I miss my friends. I always told people how lucky I was to have a job that I loved. But what I have realized is maybe it's more important to have co-workers that you love. They are the ones that help you get through the day, good or bad... have your back and always understand what you are going through. I'm so confused... and so sad... sad that my wonderful work world that I totally took for granted has been shattered into a million little pieces, pieces I'm not quite sure will ever come back together again.

Betrayed

Betrayed... I think at least in my most recent dealings, there is no worse feeling, nothing worse you can do to a person/friend than to betray them. I Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, however you wish to look at it, I have realized that I haven't just been betrayed by one person I thought I could trust... thought was my friend, but at least two. The wounds in my back are deep. It's a pain unlike anything I've felt in years. I just don't "let people in". I don't just make anyone my friend. I have very high standards. In return, I hope that I always return those standards for my friends. But what I have now realized is that something else... something non-friendship related has become more important than I have. And sad but true, in this case, in these times, I think it it may be economic security. These people have been going behind my back... threatening my livelihood... without allowing me a say at all!!!!!!! My job is my life... I love what I do... but right now... I hate going to work. It truly is a sad situation. Everyday I feel like the majority of the people are out to get me. And on top of that, my friends have decided that saving their own asses have become more important than being honest with me about what is going on with mine. It's a position I hope I never sell myself in to....

Crazy & I didn't even know it

Am I really that crazy?? All this time I have been trying to tell myself that the people who say these things about me, just don't understand. They just don't really support me. They just don't really care. But tonight, I finally realized, I'm pretty sure everyone thinks these things about me. I just have a few select friends and family members who see how hard I am trying and have decided to try to spare me. But the bottom line is... I must be crazy. Crazy and I didn't even know it. It's weird. I know what it is like to feel lost and not like myself and that is totally NOT how I feel now. I feel more like my true self, myself before all this happened than I have in months, yet others still look at me and see a completely different person, and apparently, a person many of them don't like, or are fed up with, or are tired of. Their big complaint is all the same... I repeat myself, over and over, without realizing when to stop or when to let go. I thought I realized when I was doing it, and I was working really hard not to do it. But apparently, it has not been working, because the complaints just keep rolling in. And if they don't come directly to me, they come behind my back. I'm not sure which hurts more. To have your friends tell you how crazy they think you are or to just have them talk about it behind your back. I've tried for weeks... hell months to let these things roll off my back and just focus on me getting better, me feeling better. But the bottom line is, it hurts. It hurts to know people are talking about how crazy you are. And it hurts to not even realize it is happening or know how to fix it. You know what really made me realize it was true... when I asked a friend, who I know is on my side, and she hesitated as she said "no, you don't really do that". How can you not know that you are doing something?? I don't know what's wrong with me... and I don't know how to fix it. It is the story of my life... at least for the past year. I guess it's no wonder I'm crazy.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

It's amazing how quickly our lives can change, whether we are prepared or not prepared, have advanced warning or not, see it coming or are totally blindsided... life changes happen in an instant and in my experience, most often when we are not looking. That's what happened to me this week. I was hit by a Mac Truck and lost one of my best friends at work. And even though I knew it was a possibility, I totally didn't see it coming. It was like I was walking blindly through traffic... knowing I could get hit, but just hoping I wouldn't. If you are thinking, well it wasn't you so what's the big deal? Then I am thinking either you A. Have never been through this or B. Have no real close friends at work. It is a loss.... an unexplainable, unfulfillable loss. Am I surprised by how hard I am taking it? Absolutely! But then again, I had no idea I would ever be here either. I feel cheated. I am extremely angry. I feel betrayed by the people I thought I should have been able to trust. How do you get over those feelings? How do you just let that go? How do you move on, when you know they fucked up?? They dropped the ball and let go one of our biggest assets. How do you go back to putting your heart and soul into what you do everyday, no questions asked, no complaints?? How do you go back to loving your job when you are hating what your workplace has done??

2008- A Look Back

So I was sitting here thinking back on 2008 when I realized what a life-changing year this had been for me...
I nearly died
I had to quit drinking, smoking & birth control, all on the same day
I started having anxiety attacks-daily
I began having the worst PMS ever
Then I got horrible, horrible cramps
Along came the migranes
And the slew of ever-changing medications to try to cure my craziness.
Of course all of this came at a price- a very steep price- so for the first time ever, I went into debt (a place I am very uncomfortable being)
Then in this failing economy we were told no raises, no bonuses, just be lucky we have jobs!
And of course, I can't forget somewhere in the middle of all of that, I met the love of my life- the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. What a year!!!
I just wanted to take a minute to thank the people who have been there through it all... my friends and family, who were there when I was in pain and listened to me bitch, rushed to and never left my hospital bedside, filled the room with flowers, but more importantly gave me the support and love that I so needed at that time. And then in the weeks and months after, when it was like one blow after another, when it seemed like I should be getting better but instead always had a new problem, they were always there to listen to me. And I know so many times I was such a bitch to be around and they never compained (at least not to my face ;-)
Thank you all for being there for me... you know I have such high expectations for all of my friends, you have surpassed them and it will NEVER be forgotten.
To my boyfriend, the love of my life, my rock. The man who the first night I hung out with him, I had a massive anxiety attack and spilled it all... all about how crazy I was. Instead of running (probably like he should have) he rubbed my back and told me it was going to be okay. He still does that to this day. Before we even met, when we were just talking on the phone, that's when I was hospitalized, he sent a real fresh freezer-packed lei to the hospital for me. I couldn't even describe to you how supportive he has been of me and all my pu-pule pills (pu-pule is crazy in Hawaiian!!) And no one has gotten the wrath of my PMS worse than him. I don't know how I would have made it through this year without him. I can't think about trying to make it through this year without him.
I know I am not perfect- I mean I am perfect (insert your laughter) but we are still working on fixing my craziness. I feel like we are finally on the right path, and I just hope you all know that I could NOT have gotten here without you, your love and your support. Whether you knew it your not, there were days I wanted to quit, days I was so frustrated, days I was so over feeling crazy, or being in pain and then one of you, without even knowing, would do something nice and remind me what I was fighting for. I LOVE YOU ALL MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW. I don't have family here... you all are my family... Thank from the bottom of my heart for making what could have been a devestating year.. bearable!

Buffet of Friends

Is it just me or does everyone have a buffet of friends?? I was thinking about all the significant people I have choosen in my life, and I realized, they are vastly different. They each seem to fill a different role in my life, and in most cases, they are good at something or have some characteristic that I feel I am lacking. For instance, take my boyfriend... hello! He's a chef... meanwhile I can't even pretend to cook, nor do I have any desire to learn. Then there is my other friend... we'll just call her "J". She is incredibly smart... you know, book smart, and she is a wiz on the computer (the only reason I even have this blog!). Another one of my good friends "Y" is the most compassionate, caring person I have ever met. She is incredibly patient and selfless, qualities I totally admire. Another one of my friends "S" is just smoking hot. I mean she is constantly dating 3 or 4 guys at a time. Men are always lusting over her. She is just about every guys fantasy. It's not that I want to be like any of my friends. I have just realized that I seem to choose people in my life that bring something new and exciting to my life... they are my buffet of friends!!!