2 years of hell

That's what my life has been... 2 years of hell. (Insert you little violin, playing a little song just for me, but this is my blog and I'm still going to bitch if you don't like it... stop reading now! Keep reading, maybe you might relate!) It all started in April of 2007 when I fell down the stairs drunk in a pair of too tall heels. Who knew a simple little ankle injury would fuck up my life. A month and several misdiagnosis later, I was in the hospital with a blood clot the size of Texas in my leg (stop me if you've heard this one!) and two small clots (thank god they were small) in my right lung (we nicknamed them Bert & Ernie). After 6 days in the hospital, a few days on complete bedrest I was ready to go home... to my brand new life with a clotting disorder. No more birth control, no more smoking, coumadin for at least 6 months, and no drinking. HELL!! Take away the birth control, and I get SEVERE PMS... AND HORRENDOUS CRAMPS. Then came the mental effects of nearly dying. Severe anxiety attacks... depression... a psychiatrist diagnosed me with mild depression, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder and panic disorder. That came with a couple of medications to control my panic attacks and mood swings and such. Of course, it took time to find the ones that actually worked for me. And then came the migraines. Headaches like I have never expierenced before... usually around the same time I would get severe PMS. Sometimes so badly I couldn't see straight. As the months went on, they came more and more frequently. And then... just when I thought I was getting my mental health in order... I fell down some stairs (yes, I know, AGAIN) while in Hawaii on vacation with my boyfriend. This time, I couldn't just bruise a bone... I really went all the way. I got myself a spiral fracture of both bones in my ankle... basically I broke it in 3 places requiring surgery... a plate... 6 screws and 2 pins to repair it. It also meant that I had to be completely off my ankle for the next 6 weeks... then in a walking cast for 5 weeks. You should have seen me scooting up and down my stairs on my butt for weeks on end. It was by far the worst pain I have ever endured.. and the biggest pain in the ass. You just don't realize how much you need a leg until it is taken away! So now that that's taken care of... let's get back to those pesky migraines that still have not gone away... and did I mention are just getting more and more frequent. I saw doctor after doctor... who put me on migraine medicine after migraine medicine... all without success. I saw a neurologist who sent me for an MRI which showed nothing... and then he put me on yet another migraine medicine which of course didn't work. So when I finally got a migraine for 6 weeks straight... I decided to take some drastic steps. I went to this center where they do injections to treat chronic pain... actual shots into your head, neck, shoulders, back. They are a sort of anti-inflamatory that when injected works to soothe nerves and muscles. Also I started going to a chiropractor, who x-rayed my back and showed me how messed up it really was... requiring treatments 3x a week. So while I am trying to make myself healthier... I get yet another setback... this time from work. All of this is 1 year and 10 months. And that's just the health stuff....
Let us not forget about my several car troubles costing a couple thousand dollars... one time leaving me stranded on the side of the freeway... an accident on Thanksgiving that was ruled my fault and resulted in a nice ticket for me... my several photo radar tickets...
And of course, my always tight financial situation, due mostly to my never ending medical bills.
I now see a therapist about once every 2 weeks.
A chiropractor 3 times a week.
My pain injection doctor once every 2 weeks.
My pychiatrist once every 6-8 weeks.
All in an effort to get control of my health, my life.
But it just seems like everytime I get a handle on one thing, something else pops up... everytime it seems like my life is finally getting on the right track.. heading out of hell, someone or something derails me.

Bye, bye Rat Poison

That's right... After 1 year, 4 months and 13 days (but who is counting), I am finally weaning off Coumadin. For those who don't know, Coumadin is a blood thinner. It's designed to prevent me from getting another blood clot. But for the past several months, it hasn't been doing it's job. And it's rat poison. And it interacts with every other medication. And it makes it so I can't eat some of my favorite foods. So you can understand why I am so excited to be putting this part of my life behind me. In exactly 4 days, I will no longer be taking that shit. Instead, I will take an 81mg aspirin 2x a day. Fine by me. Aspirin is not rat poison. So to coumadin and the rat poison... I say... check ya later!

Loss of control- Part 4

So you, I'm sure like everyone else in my life, think that as soon as I got released from the hospital, the worst was over. Well you, like just about everyone else in my life, would be WRONG. I saw more doctors in the next two weeks than I did when I was in the hospital. One of whom was a hematologist who gave me some fantastic news. We know why I developed a blood clot, at least in part. I have a very rare clotting disorder- Factor 20210A Mutation. It basically puts me at a way higher risk of developing a blood clot than the average person. It also, according to the hematologist, meant I needed to be on coumadin(AKA rat poison) for 1 year. As if that weren't enough, I also had to deal with some major side effects from going off the birth control. I now had awful PMS and killer cramps, debilitating cramps. I saw my gyno who believes I probably have endometriosis, but without doing an invasive scope, we can't really confirm. She doesn't want to do the scope because of the clotting disorder, but would like to treat me with endometriosis medication. The problem... it, like so many other medicines, interferes with my coumadin. So for now, it's pain killers for the cramps. Then there is the anxiety attacks. They happened every day at least a handful of times a day before I finally went to the ER, afraid I had another clot in my lung since I couldn't breathe during them. Instead, they told me I was just having anxiety. Just anxiety... it was supposed to be better, but if you have never had an anxiety or panic attack, let me try to clue you in. It feels like you can't breathe, like someone is squeezing your chest so hard your lungs will collapse. It is incredibly scary. But after experiencing 5 a day for a while, I learned that you have to try to relax and breath through them. Sometimes it works... other times, I was just a mess until it would pass. I went on medication to try and treat that. And then came the migraines. Brutal migraines like I had never experienced before. They were blinding and almost debilitating. As I started to pay attention to them, I realized many of them came in the week before my period. Then I learned about a little thing called menstrual migraines. Yes, it's true.. tied to your cycle. Once again, I had to get a daily medication to try and prevent them. My life was supposed to be better post-blood clot right? I was supposed to feel lucky to be alive. But I gotta tell you, it's really hard when around every corner is a new medical challenge. When losing one pill, put me on three other ones. It has been one year and three months since I was released from the hospital and I am STILL dealing with medical issues related to my blood clot, my coumadin, my PMS, my anxiety, my migraines and my cramps. But here's the thing, aside from educating myself as much as possible, there isn't much I can do. My health... how I am going to feel from one day to the next, is really out of my control. And that is perhaps the most frustrating feeling ever. I nearly died... I know I should just be grateful to be alive... but like the saying goes.. nothing in life is free.

Loss of control- Part 3

Overall.. I can't really complain about my time in the hospital. I was constantly visited by friends, my mom flew in to take care of my dogs and me, and I had amazing care from my nurses and doctors. So... it would seem that my hospital stay was peachy-keen. But as I look back, I realize that I had my first anxiety attack in that hospital bed. It happened the second night. I had a few friends over (over to my hospital room- how weird does that sound??) We were just hanging out, having a great time, when all of a sudden I started to feel like I couldn't breathe and my chest was being squeezed in. I called my nurse, who called the lung specialist. They checked my lungs (for fear of more clots, or moving clots) and my oxygen levels. Everything tested fine, but still they put me on complete bed rest for the next 2 days, just in case. It was awful. But I did my best to get through it.
The other thing I hated... the blood draws... every 4 hours for the entire six days I was there... even in the middle of the night. In case you are having trouble with your math... that's 36 pricks in 6 days!!! I looked like a heroin user when I was finally released.
My life was no longer on my schedule. Everyone else made all the decisions for me... what time I ate, what medicines I got, when they took my blood, when I could get out of bed. My life was literally in their hands... and as a result, so was my control.

Loss of control- Part 2

One night, my calf was so swollen I was afraid to go to bed because I thought it was going to burst.
Not one... not two... not three.. but four phone calls to my doctor.. all of them repeatedly telling them about the extreme pain I was in.
I never got a call back.
I went in to my Friday doctor's appointment thinking... "Ha! He's going to take one look at me and realize that I wasn't lying, that I am in excruitiating pain, that he should have returned my phone call."
Well... I got that... and so much more.
He (an orthopedic specialist) took one look at my leg and I could tell something was wrong... really wrong. He left the room... and I heard him outside, calling someone and telling them he needed to get a patient in immediately for tests.
He then came back in to my room and asked me if I had any family here. By now, totally freaked out, I am crying. Through my tears, I told him no. And he informed me that I was going to be taken over to the hospital to have an ultra sound to see if I had a blood clot in my leg and that this was a very serious... life threatening... situation.
Then, he disappeared. I guess I would too if I had ignored 4 of my patient's phone calls.
His nurse helped me outside where an old man driving a golf cart picked me up. He took me over to the ER of the hospital across the street and dropped me off. I sobbed the entire way.
I went in, told them who I was and they took me back and drew some blood and stuff. Then sent me back out to the waiting room to... wait.
While sitting there... I made phone calls... to my mom... my closest friends...
Thank god one of my friends was off of work and she said she would rush right over to be with me.
Everything is kind of a blur... but I remember them taking me in a wheel chair to get my ultra sound of my leg, checking for a blood clot.
When the technician was done, she said I didn't have to get up, she would just push me back on the bed.
As I was wheeled into my curtained room in the ER, I looked at my friend and said "I don't think this is a good sign, do you?"
Minutes later, my ER doctor walked in... to give me the first of a long list of bad news...
I had a blood clot... but not just any old blood clot... one that stretched from my ankle to my mid-thigh.
Then he asked me if I had any shortness of breath lately. I told him yes.. in the past couple of days. But I thought it was from the pain.
Next I was wheeled off to have a CT scan of my lungs.. to see if there were any clots there.
Either way, I was being admitted to the hospital. So I was wheeled upstairs... and into a room where a doctor came to talk to me. Thank god I had friends with me, because by this time, I was in shock... I had nothing to say, no words, no idea what questions I should be asking.
The doctor was great. He spent 45 minutes in my room going over all the situations and how we would treat them. He answered all of my friends questions (since I had apparently gone mute). Then he told me he would come back after we got the CT results. Not 5 minutes later, he was back... with my second round of bad news. I had 2 small blood clots in my right lung. I was moved to the telemetry floor and put on a heart monitor. And my stay in the hospital was bumped from 2 to at least 5 days.

Survivor

One year ago today... my life flashed before my eyes. In the blink of an eye, I ended up in the hospital with an Emergency Room doctor telling me I had a blood clot in my leg the size of Texas... and two clots that had broken off and traveled to my right lung. I spent the next 6 days in the hospital.. learning all about how lucky I was that I didn't die. I had probably been walking around with that ticking time bomb for at least three weeks... and if one of those chunks of clot that traveled through my heart had been just a little bit bigger... that would have been it.
May 9th, 2008 my world forever changed, I forever changed.
In the aftermath, I learned I had a clotting disorder which would make me susceptible to blood clots like this for the rest of my life. It also came with a laundry list of other side effects, like it can make it difficult to get pregnant, and if you do get pregnant, it will be a high risk pregnancy.
I was also immediately taken off birth control and told never to go back on it again. As a result my hormones went wacko, literally. I began having migraines, severe cramps and crazy PMS.
And then there was the worst part... the anxiety. I started having anxiety attacks... sometimes up to five times a day. They are undescribable, except to say that I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.
As a result, I am on medications to control my world and blood thinners.
There were some very dark times, and some times where I didn't feel like myself. I feel much better now, but I have forever been changed. I have always been a control freak, but I think now it is even worse. I want to control everything I possibly can in my life, because I know what it is like to lose control. I lost control of my health and that is a feeling I don't ever want to have again. One year later I am no where near recovered... or past this... but I am coping and learning and trying to be the best person I can be.
There have been some positives in all of this, I learned that I have a very rare clotting disorder that could have presented itself later, and the older you get the more likely you are to die from a blood clot.
I quit smoking... and so today also marks the one year anniversary of my last cigarette.
And I realized how strong a person I really am. No matter what anyone says to me, or thinks about where I am or where I should be, I know what I have been through. And I dare anyone to go through all that I have, and not come out a little bit scarred. If you went through this I guarentee you would understand what it is like to really be a fighter.
I'm not trying to pretend like I'm the only one who has faced tough times... I know they are all around us. I'm just saying I'm proud to say on my one year anniversary... I KNOW that I truly am a survivor.

Can we know too much???

Anyone who knows what happened to land me in the hospital the first time, knows I learned a very valuable lesson from that. We must take an active role in our own health care. You must be your own advocate. You must do your own research, only go to doctors you feel totally comfortable with, get second opinions and trust yourself, if you think something is wrong with your body... 9 times out of 10 it is. Insist that you get the medical help you need. So since then, I have taken a very active role in my medical care and knowledge of what is going on with me and my health. I actively research my medications, other medications, my diagnosis, my doctors, etc. But my question now is... can we know too much?
I was researching my clotting disorder... very much in depth... and this is what I found... I'll just write down the highlights for you.
Prothrombin 20210 Mutation Factor 2
Prothrombin is the protein in your blood required for blood to clot. Too much prothrombin means blood clots will form.
It is an inherited mutation of one of the prothrombin genes.
2% of the U.S. white Population has the clotting disorder.
The risk of DVT(Blood clots in you legs/arms) and PE(Blood clots in your lungs) increase with age. 1 in 10,000 people in their 20's get them (let me remind you, I was that 1). 1 in 200 people in their 70's get them.
Having a blood clot in the past (which I have!!!) increases the risk of another.
Estrogen birth control increases risks of blood clots by 16x. It also increases the risk of developing a clot in the brain.
Progestin only birth control does not appear to increase the risk of blood clots in the majority of women but it is not known whether they are safe for women with pre-existing clotting disorders.
Hormone Replacement Therapy increases the risk of a blood clot by 2 to 4 times.
Pregnancy Dangers:
There is an increased tendency to clot 6 weeks after giving birth.
Pregnancy increases the blood clot risk by 5 times.
P.S. Those statistics were for the average woman... now for me...
1 out of every 1000 women with a prothrombin mutation will develop a blood clot during pregnancy.
Prothrombin mutations may also lead to other complications... may contribute to still birth, 2nd trimester pregnancy loss, placental abruption and preeclampsia.
It also may lead to infertility.

So those are the highlights... do I know too much... of course not. I need to know this.. all of this. I need to be aware of every danger... every no-no... every side effect of my clotting disorder in case I come across a doctor who doesn't know everything he/she should know before he/she tries to treat me. But you must admit... it's not all roses and sunshine... it's kinda scary... and certainly not what you dreamed about when you were a little girl. I guess for a while now, I haven't really known if I wanted to have kids or not. To me, it was more about if I found the right guy to have those kids with. Well now I have found the right guy, but I might never be able to have those kids... and if I do... it could be a very scary and complicated process.

I'm going to leave you with some knowledge I think we should all have...
The signs and symptoms of a blood clot:
pain
swelling
redness
warm to the touch
unexplained shortness of breath
chest pain
coughing with blood
And I'm going to add one of my own: cramping almost like charlie horse feeling in my calf

You don't have to have a clotting disorder to get a blood clot... long plane/car rides will do it... try to move your legs... get the blood flowing even if you can't get up and walk. And there are pleanty of people who have a clotting disorder who will go for years, maybe even their lifetime without knowing. But if you get the perfect storm of events... it can be very dangerous. Remember... we can never know too much!

Living in fear

For 3 weeks I was living in fear... in fear of this thing that can creep up with no warning... and if you are not paying enough attention, take over in an instant. This thing that can lay dormant for days or weeks, or at any moment decide to take you life. This thing that I have battled and beat once before. Would the odds be in my favor yet again? For 3 weeks I was living in fear of another blood clot. You see, it is all about the thickness of my blood. It is a very delicate process. When they did surgery on my ankle, they had to thicken up my blood or I could have bled out on the table. But then after surgery, we had to, as quickly as possible, get my blood back to the right "thinness" so that I am not at risk of clotting, because you are most at risk of clotting when you are immobilizing a part of your body. The blood is naturally not going to circulate as well in that area, making it easier for a clot to form. Add to that the fact that I have a clotting disorder, a mutation that makes my blood more susceptible to clots. And then on top of that.. throw in the fact that this same situation was how I got my last clots. Only then we didn't know. Now we know... and now we know what we have to do... get my blood back to the right thinness. But for whatever reason, my blood is not thinning quickly enough. I have shots in my stomach twice a day for a week to cover me. That is supposed to be long enough for my blood to thin, but it is not. For 3 weeks, once a week I go to get tested and then wait for days for the phone call, the call that I hope will give me some peace of mind, the call that will tell me my blood is "theraputic"... that's what they call it when it's thin enough. But for 3 weeks it is bad news... still to thick... still at risk. For 3 weeks I worry, what if I have a clot under my cast and I just can't see the symptoms? What if the pain is from the clot not the ankle break? What if I don't pick up on it? I don't want to be back in the hospital. And what are the odds that I could walk around with another blood clot.. and not do major damage? For 3 weeks I was living in fear... and then... I got the news I was waiting for... therapeutic. It doesn't mean I can't get a clot, but it does mean my chances are a lot lower. They are the chances I will have to live with for the rest of my life... I have a clotting disorder... but at least for now... it looks like I have dodged a bullet.

To Sue or Not To Sue: That is the question

I woke up this morning dreaming about how I could win over a jury... let me take about 17 steps back...
I've been stewing over the idea of suing the orthopedic specialist who missed my blood clot diagnosis and landed me in the hospital.
Let me go back to the beginning... for those of you who know this story... think of this as a choose your own adventure book and start reading again at the stars... for those of you new... continue here.
I fell down the stairs in April, hurt my foot, went to Urgent Care, they X-rayed it, no break, wrapped it up told me to see my doctor if I was still in pain in 5 days.
Sure enough I was, so I went to my doctor who sent me to have an MRI after those results were muddy at best, my doctor sent me to an orthopedic specialist (we are now about 2 weeks post-injury) The orthopedic specialist put me in one of those walking boots, to be worn at all times except for when I was sleeping or showering and sent me to have a CT Scan of my foot (add a week) and then come back to see him. By the beginning of week 4, (my next appointment was Friday, exactly one month after the original injury) I knew something was really wrong. My leg was swollen up to my knee, so swollen and red it was bigger than my thigh and the skin hurt it was pulled so tight. It was so painful there were nights when I would cry and crawl upstairs to bed and cry and scream as I walked down the stairs to work. The orthopedic specialist gave me no pain medication- told me I didn't need it, but I was in so much pain I couldn't bear it and the stuff my other doctor had give me was gone so I called his office four times in 3 days. Once I left a message on a machine that said that it was checked every 10 minutes and someone would get back to me, no one ever did. Once I talked to someone and they said he was in surgery but they would leave him a note. The next day I talked to someone who said there was a note for him but she would leave another one. No one ever called me back. And no one ever asked me what was going on, why I was having so much pain. Apparently, by this point, the symptoms of a blood clot were so apparent that a med student could easily have diagnosed it without even looking at it. Finally I gave up, deciding I would just attend my appointment on Friday and then they would all feel really stupid because they would realize that something was really wrong. They did... but that something turned out to be a blood clot that started in my ankle and went all they way up to mid-thigh. It had been growing for more than three and a half weeks. I had certainly had it the first time I saw this orthopedic specialist. I had also had it long enough to have two pieces break off and travel through my heart and lodge in my right lung. Luckily they were small enough they didn't lodge in my heart because then, I would have died. I was a walking time bomb for three and a half weeks.
***So I have went through a series of emotions about whether or not to sue this doctor. No matter what I still would have gotten the blood clot. It started forming three to five days after the injury. But as my sister, who is now a PA tells me, a blood clot should always be on the top of an orthopedic specialists mind. I was a smoker and on birth control (factors I disclosed to him), two big risk factors added to the fact that he was isolating my leg almost 24 hours a day. All of that and apparently it never occured to him that I could have a blood clot. For me the bottom line is, if he had paid attention, the blood clot would have been caught way earlier and wouldn't have spread to my lungs. And more importantly, I called that office and was ignored. And during that time that I was ignored, I could have died. I understand that everyone makes mistakes and because of how the medical profession works he's never going to write me an apology letter, so I guess I think the closest thing I'm going to get to an apology, is a little bit of money. I don't want to take this guy's license, or put him out of business. But I hope he has learned a lesson. I hope he has learned to listen to his patients. I hope his whole office staff has learned that if a patient makes that many phone calls, someone needs to talk to her. So last night, my sister said that she thinks he realizes that he screwed up and that he would probably just settle out of court with me, but that a jury would probably be unsympathetic if my case went to court, because I did live. So I was thinking about it. And I think she's wrong, I think I could totally make a jury sympathetic to me. I did everything I was supposed to do, lisened to my doctor and when my body told me something was wrong, I tried to call and tell them that and I got no response. I could have died at any second, this doctor is just lucky that I am young and healthy and he made this mistake with me, because that's probably why I didn't. I am a very charasmatic person (plus I cry just thinking about it and juries love tears, right?) and what happened to me could happen to anyone. I could make a jury see that, I'm sure of it. Bottom line, I don't want to go this to go to a jury. But I am leaning more and more toward the suing. He came to see me in the emergency room of the hospital just minutes after they told me I had a blood clot in my leg the size of Texas and he was so arrogant.
He said condscendingly, "So did they tell you about your blood clot?"
"Yes"
"So that's what's really important right now. Why don't you focus on that and then call me in about a week."
As if I didn't realize that his mis-diagnosis didn't land me here. That he could have sent me here 2 weeks earlier and saved me a lot of time and trouble.
This has been life-changing.
Am I better off knowing I have a clotting disorder than not knowing? Absolutely.
But I would have learned that 2 weeks earlier too.
I am now dealing with massive anxiety attacks, that my therapist says are post-traumatic. Would I be dealing with them 2 weeks in?? Who knows??
I feel like we are all allowed to make mistakes, but we also have to be accountable for them. And if I let this guy just walk away... how is he accountable? How is he learning anything from his mistake?
I haven't decided... but you know I am such a big closure girl and I really feel like this would give me some closure.
To sue or not to sue: that is the question...

Heavily Medicated

The laundry list of medications that is my life...
Coumadin- 10mg Monday thru Friday
7.5mg Saturday & Sunday
Lexapro "my pupulei pills"-20mg Everday
Xanax- 1 pill at the onset of an anxiety attack
Midrin- 1 or 2 pills at onset of migrane
Vicodin- 1 pill every 4-6 hours to treat cramps
I though I would share the long list of medications that make up my life with you. Why? I'm not really sure. Maybe I'm just looking for a little validation that a list this long is crazy... crazier than I apparently am. I mean I am 27 years old, fairly healthy, in pretty good shape. So WTF... should I really need this many drugs to deal with my daily life?? I have even resorted to using one of those daily pill containers. You know, the one where you put your pills in for each day so you don't forget to take your meds. The ones your grandparents probably have. Yea, I'm at that point. So you may be thinking all those pills are a little extreme... and that perhaps I am just a wuss, who can't deal with my life, or things not being easy. To you I would say "Fuck off!!" If you are not crazy, you could not, would not and will not ever understand. If you don't get PMS, you could not, would not and will not ever understand. If you have never had a blood clot, you could not, would not and will not understand. If you have not had cramps, you could not, would not and will not understand. If you don't fit into any of these categories, thank what ever holy figure you believe in. Here's the thing... I would really like to be able to live my life prescription free... but I would also like to be able to live my life without pain, anxiety or feeling totally out of control. Now if only someone would make a pill... one pill... for all that!!

The Pursuit of drunkiness...

Before you just decide that I must be some alcoholic... I must have some problem, let me explain. You see, I have not had a sip of alcohol in 3 months, 3 weeks and 1 day (but who's counting, right??) My new sober lifestyle is certainly not by choice... hence my current state... the pursuit of drunkiness. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. It was 3 months, 3 weeks and 1 day ago that I learned I had a blood clot the size of Texas growing in my left leg (nicknamed by my friend "R" Big Daddy). But Big Daddy wasn't alone... two of his little friends had broken off and traveled to my right lung (dubbed Bert & Ernie). Consequently, I ended up in the hospital for 6 days and things in my life changed drastically! Immediately I had to quit smoking, stop taking birth control pills and start blood thinners (by IV while I was in the hospital, pills now that I'm out). And those blood thinners mean no drinking!! It's a situation that has definitely changed my life... and made me crazy. Sometimes I wonder if I really do have a problem. Because otherwise, why is this not drinking thing so difficult. But then I think it's really more than that. It's that so many things I was dependent on in one way or another, were taken away from me... all at the same time. It's enough to drive anyone crazy. So back to my pursuit of drunkiness... I feel like my goal these days... is to just make it through, get healthy and hurry up and make it to the point in my life where I can start drinking again. The point where I no longer have to be on these blood thinners. I look at that day as the day that I'll be able to go back to that comfortable life I had before I almost died. I truly believe on that day I will no longer be crazy. Is that really going to happen?? I don't know... maybe it's wishful thinking. But it's all I have right now. It's the day I dream about... the day I can't wait for... the day I will be re-born and my pursuit of drunkiness... will end!