"Easy" Happy Birthday

My day... the day dedicated just to me... Yet all day I felt like shit. I felt neglected, alone, dismissed, forgotten. All around me there were birthday parties for everyone else. People were being celebrated, loved ones planned great get-togethers for everyone else's birthday. But there was nothing for me. I could have gone to all of these other people's birthdays, but then what... I would be the birthday girl crashing someone else's party? I would be the girl trying to steal someone else's thunder? I would be the one who needed to ride on someone else's party coat-tail's because I had none of my own?? I got so many birthday text messages and facebook messages... but it got me thinking. Do we live in a world of technology that allows us to be "easy" friends? I mean how easy is it to shoot a text or a facebook note to a friend wishing them a "happy birthday". I got dozens of them. But none of them came with a "what are you doing for your birthday tonight?" "I really want to celebrate with you." Only two people, only two really good friends made it a priority to say they wanted to see me today. And one went as far as to say she would do whatever the hell I wanted, just to make sure that I could have a celebration. Am I just being a complete bitch? Am I expecting too much? Asking for too much? I guess I just feel like birthdays are supposed to be really special. I have always felt that way. I have always made it a priority to be there, to celebrate, to plan something really nice and special for my friends and family on their birthdays. But I just didn't feel like anyone stepped up this year to do that for me. It was disappointing. And depressing. On top of the fact that I had to work on my birthday. Something that I shouldn't have had to do, but because of my recent schedule change, made a necessity. I had been looking forward to having this birthday off for a long time, since I usually always have to work on my birthday and am never able to take it off. I think realizing that I had to work today, just brought back all of the feelings of why I am in this position to begin with. I also thought that one of my best friends forgot my birthday, because I had talked to her numerous times in the past few days and she hadn't mentioned anything. In the end, when I got home, there was flowers with a nice card from her. But all day I felt very disappointed and let down. On top of it all, I'm PMS-ing... which doesn't help anything. But I guess the bottom line is, I wish someone would have planned something for me, made me a priority. And by today... it was just too late. My feelings were already hurt, I was already depressed and I already felt let down. Maybe I'm just a pouter... but I guess that's what I am. I just know how special birthdays are... and how special birthdays should be treated. Maybe 30 will be better....

JUST STOP

STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.
STOP TELLING ME THAT WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER OPENS.
STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS HAPPENS TO EVERYONE.
STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.
STOP TELLING ME THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.
STOP TELLING ME THAT SOMEDAY I AM GOING TO LOOK BACK ON THIS AND REALIZE IT IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME.
JUST STOP...
I know you all are just trying to help... but it is not working. I am mad... sad... hurt. I feel disrespected, unappreciated, misunderstood. I am angry... ashamed... depressed. I can't eat... can't sleep... can't stop thinking about it. A huge part of my world... a part that I worked so hard for, that I was so committed to, that I was so proud of, that I was passionate about, that I loved... has been crushed... and a part of my heart has been crushed with it. Maybe someday I will be able to feel like you all want me to feel now, maybe someday I will be able to look back on this and see the good.. but for now... all I see and feel is pain. For now, I know that someday is nowhere near. Most days, I have to drag myself out of bed and plaster on a plastic smile just to make it through. Most days I have to give myself a pep talk every hour just so I won't cry. Most days I have to remind myself that I am a good person and that I am good at what I do. And maybe someday, I will once again be surrounded by people who feel the same.

Goodbye "Perfect Friend"

It's time to say goodbye, adios, aloha... to one of my best friends. It is with mixed emotions that I give a final farewell to a constant companion... someone who was always there for me... always made me feel better... made my problems seem to melt away. Someone who was never selfish... never required anything from me... who always put me first.
Sounds like the perfect friend huh??
So why the hell would I be shutting this out of my life??
Well, it's like they say, things are not always as they seem.
See my "perfect friend" was also ruining my body and my self-esteem. I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror right now. My jeans don't fit right. I have about 25 pounds to lose. And as much as I have tried all other things... It comes down to this my "perfect friend" is the only thing holding me back.
I have become dependent on my friend to get through things... good and bad. It has been the one thing I turn to when I am depressed, but then it just makes me fat... and more depressed.
So I am stopping the viscious cycle.
Goodbye my friend...
At least for now I'm taking my last drink.
Peace out alcohol.
This last sip is for you....

Loss of control- Part 1

Control... it's apparently something I have a huge problem with...
Okay... not "apparently"... really. Let's just say it. I am a control freak. I am probably a pain in the ass to be around. I probably annoy the shit out of those who have to spend any amount of time with me (i.e. my co-workers, good friends and certainly my boyfriend). It's not something that I am oblivious to. It's not something I am not working on. But really... the bottom line is I can't seem to let go.
I think I've always been a more "in control person" than other people. But, my "death scare" really brought my whole world crashing down... and further escalated my control-ness (Is that a word??? It is now!!)
But what I have realized is that I was pre-programmed for control issues long before my first hospitalization.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning...
A time when a 4-year-old girl realized something she has said and done had completely changed her life and the life of her family forever.
A time when I couldn't really comprehend what had happened to me, but I could understand the reaction of those around me. My mom was depressed and completely pulled away. In hind sight I know she was blaming herself, but at the time it felt like whatever I had said, had pushed my mom away, like she didn't love me any more.
I had to go to counseling. Something I can't even begin to tell you about because I decided that blocking out that time in my life would be easier than remembering all the hurt and pain... things that at 4-years-old I worried I had caused. My parents were fighting... because my mom was depressed and absent and my dad couldn't handle me and my sister and his job and faking like everything is okay.
At age 4 did I understand how profoundly this would affect the rest of my life? No way! But you can bet that kids are way smarter and way more in tune than you think they are. They sense tension, they feel if there is a problem and they can even blame themselves. I should know.
Bottom line... whether I realized it or not... now I know that was the first time I lost control of my life. And probably from then on... I have always sought that control...