Loss of control- Part 1

Control... it's apparently something I have a huge problem with...
Okay... not "apparently"... really. Let's just say it. I am a control freak. I am probably a pain in the ass to be around. I probably annoy the shit out of those who have to spend any amount of time with me (i.e. my co-workers, good friends and certainly my boyfriend). It's not something that I am oblivious to. It's not something I am not working on. But really... the bottom line is I can't seem to let go.
I think I've always been a more "in control person" than other people. But, my "death scare" really brought my whole world crashing down... and further escalated my control-ness (Is that a word??? It is now!!)
But what I have realized is that I was pre-programmed for control issues long before my first hospitalization.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning...
A time when a 4-year-old girl realized something she has said and done had completely changed her life and the life of her family forever.
A time when I couldn't really comprehend what had happened to me, but I could understand the reaction of those around me. My mom was depressed and completely pulled away. In hind sight I know she was blaming herself, but at the time it felt like whatever I had said, had pushed my mom away, like she didn't love me any more.
I had to go to counseling. Something I can't even begin to tell you about because I decided that blocking out that time in my life would be easier than remembering all the hurt and pain... things that at 4-years-old I worried I had caused. My parents were fighting... because my mom was depressed and absent and my dad couldn't handle me and my sister and his job and faking like everything is okay.
At age 4 did I understand how profoundly this would affect the rest of my life? No way! But you can bet that kids are way smarter and way more in tune than you think they are. They sense tension, they feel if there is a problem and they can even blame themselves. I should know.
Bottom line... whether I realized it or not... now I know that was the first time I lost control of my life. And probably from then on... I have always sought that control...